Did really want to write a cheerful post this morning, am feeling all peppy in any case. But sadly, the events of the past 24 hours are of not all orangey!
Was all set for the gym in a flaming pink t shirt, when a friend of mine called, his wife is a dog addict, and wanted to see the puppy, now named Machku Singh. Dont even get there.
Anyway, couple in question were on their way back from a counsellor. I am a closer friends of the man, than the wife, but sort of intuitively understand the core nature of the wife. She is a corporate gyspsy, one of those, who needs to be doing something different, needs to be surrounded with electic people, yearns for an intellectual connection, conversation, freedom to express and above all this, needs passion.
She flies down "cats" across cities to get them a home, wakes up a 4.30 am to join a hug a tree campaign, restlessly moves from countries to countries, wears a bracelet from Ghana, while she is texting a close friend from Korea. Her, conversations are global, multi cultural exchanges, openness in dealing, dissolved boundaries. You get the picture.
Her biggest grouse is that there is no passion in the man, or in the relationship. Junoon is not there.
tricky word, this ... PASSION ;-) This is not the passion of the romantic kind. Replace the mental image of the Kamastura ad, with that of say, Boman Irani, who took to acting when he was 40+. She wishes he had a cause, something higher than the mundane realities that consume their lives, and Y is this important for her? Coz, she needs to Look UP to her man, and its only then that it shall happen. When he is a JOSH MACHINE!
The Man: One of the nicest man that I know of. I deliberately use the word Nice, because that is genuinely what he is. NICE. He is a corporate guy, works well, works hard. Is successful, a pedigree of the best colleges of India, he is a doer, content with doing the regular, and willing to try the novel. What he is not is, electic, but on the flip side is exactly the person a hippie needs.
He grounds her, provides her with the stability needed in their life, and yet is perfectly ok with her doing whatever she needs to do to be happy, non intrusive non interfering. Sounds like a perfect blend
Yet there is something missing. Its not working for the now.
The amazing thing for me as an observer was how factual their conversations were. Tough questions like do u even want to be together, is there love etc were all treated like a business negotation. Fights were polite agruments the kind that you have with business colleagues. SO THANDA, truly no josh
They asked me if I thought they had a chance to make it work.
Hmmmmm.... the truth be told. Yea they can make it work. A few conversations, some middle path list of things to do and they can sustain this for a longish time.
BUT, will they be happy with each other, during this or continue to live half lived lives is another question all together. Sometimes people just grow up to be different with time, and the new selves that they are want different lives. You cant get a regular corporate guy to become someone who loves to hug trees, save animals and do all this with passion unless he wants to from within, and you cant get someone who is forever in the space o limitless possibilites to remain in the straight and narrow.
Yes. it can work, but at what cost?
The reason they remain married, is more out of FEAR, fear of hurting each other, fear of being alone, fear that they are 30 and now too set to find someone new, lower tolerance of others idiosyncrasies.
Lacking the courage to face the bitter truth, that as our worlds expand they shrink even faster. Its getting tougher to make new friends, tougher to find people within your city you can call your security blankets.
My best friend gave me a letter last month, an ode to the old form of freindship, the non facebook kind, where you just sat and talked, and knew exactly what was happening without using ";-)' or "brb" or "lol' . I am a g-chat addict, and that is how retain most friendships, but when asked to count, have very few REAL people in the city i call home.
Am digressing. The point was, that in a marriage, is the fear of being alone, enough to keep you in the relationship? Should the reason to remain married not be... BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO GROW OLD WITH YOU?
Have always maintained. The toughest question that life throws at you is not what career, what job, what college..but
Is this relationship dead? or just going through a rough patch?
the line between belief and surrender can be capillary thin.