Wednesday, February 10, 2010

CHANGE - the ultimate bitch

Change is such a bitch, you crave for it and when it comes knocking on the door you metamorphise into the best ostrich that you can imagine and wish it would leave you in peace. Change is unsettling, nerve racking, enthusing, scary as hell, makes you wonder if you are capable, confident or is this a big mistake.

Each time you stand on the cross road there are 2 choices to make, one to stick to the comfort zone, where suddenly with change knocking on the door, you realise that you are in fact allright, all the stuff that you have been bitching about is just so tolerable that you wonder why you hated it at all.

Ha haa haa life is so ironical, wrote the above two paras in the afternoon and now at 11.40 in the night am faced with choices, each with uncertain outcomes. But unlike everyone else, there is no comfort zone that currently exists for me, so a leap in any direction is just that a Leap of faith………

Awesomeness to Newness

This was the corny phrase, Jungle 82 ( my travel buddy currently languishing in some Ivorian country in wild Africa) had on his cake, right before he left everything that he considered home to leap into AFRICA.  A place that he knew little about, except that a girl sent him a mail ending with XXXX, his introduction to kisses in email. Being a good Kannadiga boy, getting kisses from someone overseas in a mail, was fascinating and he lunged at the chance of leaving…

Nah am kidding. As much as he was craving a change, wanted to experience a new thing, he was scared, butterflies hatched eggs in his belly and the larve consumed his dreams. Infact we fought a lot before he left, guess we just had no clue what letting go was about.

Gorgeous boytoy of mine, my roommate, MR. Delicious in a small package, was the one who first embraced change.  Left his OHLALA, high flying corporate job, that let him get away with a TWANG, worse that a home grown britishers, to live in the Mumbai chawls and do 2 years of teach for india. His change I SALUTE!!!!!!!!

It was not only about changing a career, or trying out something new, he literally changed the inner fabric of himself. Of what he held dear  hmmmmm sounds too hallmarkish don’t i?

Ok let me try n create a visual. Mr. Delicious is…. this..

Crisp white linen shirt, formal khakhi Armani pants, bodyshop lemon scented bodybutter, dash of bodyshop lip balm. The berry flavor does it for him, black shoes, a gigantic pair of sunglasses, the frantically lit classic milds, smoked while talking in a super animated manner with the hands carelessly flinging the hair back and the accent making the listener, scrabble for an autograph!

This man, is now not drinking, doing yoga in the morning, teaching little kiddies the value of dreaming , of believing in themselves, getting Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Bose to meet his class.. and being a daily Santa to the kids.

He howled and wept the day he got through Teach For India. That is how scary change is. It alters your life.

Was talking to Male Monica, this morning and realized that I am sitting on the edge of what I always wanted to be. Wanted to be a freelancer, free of time constraints, no leave policy, free to head to a meditational retreat without explaining in depth to a fat paunchy corporatey boss, the value of saying OM  345 times, while standing on the tips of your toes.  Am there, almost there, yet it somehow does not feel like an attainment.

Feels more like an asthama patient scrabbling for the inhaler, the fav scene of the Saaz-Bahu serials.

Change and transformation time for me too.

The only mantra that seems to work is to know that ALL IS WELL, and in the blip of time this too shall pass.
 
To learning to feel certain in uncertainty.