Monday, February 3, 2014

A little lost

After a gap of a year I met an old friend from school. Its been a rather strange friendship, one that does not lend itself to daily chats or coffee meetings but a friendship where one meets, connects somehow knows something core about the other and then orbits off into their own world only to reconnect somehow sometime later again.

Today before I write anymore I feel compelled to share a little more about her.

She for me is the gypsy horse. Wild. Free. Loyal. Determined and restless to carve her path in her own way and pace. Has always been that an explorer who lives in methods that make sense. Ok I shall demystify.

For the past few years she has been devoting time to doing the only things in life that truly matter. Learning to grow food and build houses. Prime needs of man are food and shelter and its shocking how little we often know about these. By itself both are worlds unto themselves, add to this an additional layer to make it more compelling. Make it sustainable organic agriculture and rammed earth based housing. Remove the setting from the ease of a city to the interiors of small states, where seeing a lady from the cities till the earth and work in the fields is unheard of.

ok fine, so she has made unusual choices when it comes to her work. So what? lots of people can do that.

That isn't the point. In the conversation yesterday, there was a difference to herself. She had reached something definitive in her. A space of knowingness- a space of belongineness inside. This inner zen was a mixture of several things. Her meditative practice getting more grounded, her quest to heal giving more outlets, her work finding a source of fulfilment -- No as i write this there was something far simpler far easier that there was to it

it was the charm of a person who was living inside out. peacefully.

In our afternoon chat, we didn't get a chance to dive deeply into what really was going on in the other persons life. Yet her few basic questions got me off guard. - So what do you want to do? What makes you happy? Where does the passion lie?

I gulped. I gulp even now. I know at some level or rather I feel at some level certain changes in me that have come in the last year or two. Slowly they have snuck up and made a home for themselves in me.

I need to confess that at this point in time, at a deep core level I don't know what I want from my life. I have dreams - candy floss types - you know the - one day I shall travel the world. Or the flimsier I shall do a masters to understand the human body mind and energy connect. Or say, I shall be a marathon runner. Statements that I know don't carry an inner conviction or zeal.

At some level I feel like Rip Van Winkle or Kumbhkaran, waking up from a deep sleep and feeling disoriented.

Ha how I romanticise. Its even cruder.

I think its how the last few months of 'survival mode' based living has sucked some deep level of energy out of me. For the now things that were passions or dreams have been dumped in the for later bucket. Thinking as a mom has replaced thinking as an individual. As I write I realise that this is bullshit. Circumstances don't make a person, a person maketh the circumstance. Or the whole I am responsible for what I have created line of thought comes and mocks me.

I see that line and I shut up.

Reality is that right now - what I want is some form of stability. If this comes with additional trimmings that is fine. That isn't the point of this therapeutic type of writing either. Its for me to ask what do I want? Deep down truly what are my desires. Guess its fair to state that I am no longer sure and work from there.

A few years ago there was a different urge in me to do and be plugged into more worlds. I read a larger funnel of books. I met a larger more diverse set of people. Movies were not the block busters but things that were sought out. There was a learner a creator living inside. A fearless being.

I miss that person.

At the same time its true that that younger me craved family. personal stability. home. a child. For these blessings I thank the universe everyday. It has grounded me. Rocked me and given me the warmest blanket of love to carry around.

I feel like I need to return to the inner space, finding the inner voice. a guidance to guide. Otherwise yet again in the haste to do more there shall be noisy events, hobbies, dinners and more - I shall become a person that a younger me promised to not become. A person who ebbs away.

Reading Brian Weiss these days - person after person regresses. Lives, experiences lifetimes of pain and joy. Some were the Nazi guards, some the prisoners, rich, poor, lifetimes ago or more there was always a lesson in the life we lead. Often it was something basic. learning to forgive, learning to let go. Or learning that its there is love everywhere.

Yet as I write this. I am loved. A dog is lovingly cajoling me to come for a walk, my little one is bouncing up and down on the bed next to me kissing my face. Love and…… ?

;0 To lives that always leave us wondering. Think a time to center approaches once again.

note from a younger me to me.
- in the infinite of life everything is whole and complete