Friday, October 29, 2010

peaced out

Life is good, this morning was great.

There was a sense of unwinding to me, a slowness of quietness that swept inside me. Did the kriya after a long time and think my guru is calling me to him.

Got ready, danced to music, looked pretty.
Organized weekend plans
and now am working, the pace of the day is just right

As I began the day, I randomly picked up a Wayne Dyer from my shelf
and remembered the time to create a new thought line
diwali draws near, the festive season is here
and with that the time to create a new memory a new day


emotional atyachar

India seems to have grown up, well not matured yet but atleast reaching the stage of being the rebellious teenager that is not willing to listen to the "this is how it is" spool anymore.

This not so pathbreaking insight, was reached last night with the screening of Emotional Atyachaar. For those unfamiliar with the show, it is reality tv that breaches the norms of intimacy by an entire new level. This is what takes place

There is a girl friend. Usually the cow types, the one who worships the man, kisses the ground he walks on and has before tying the knot- gives him her all - to be read as- had sex.

Spy cameras, hot women as baits, the lust filled men the fish are all made to dance a merry dance and then a few days later the gf who had initiated the entire drama comes to a room to view the footage of the loyalty test displayed by the man.

Invariably the men fail and are seen professing love to the new girl in a few days while sharing detailed information about the intimate moments shared between him and his ex.

The few paradoxes that emerged for me from watching 2 of these shows were amazing

  1. Indian men have not changed. Any women who has had sex with them before marriage seem to be loose, shallow, desperate and they claim always to have been forced into this sexually active relationship
  2. India is no longer shy about sex. Bollywood knew this a while back, but seeing women on TV listening to details about their sex lives beamed across national tv and not flinch is quite startling
  3. Indian parents are growing up. Most women were not lying, the parents knew about the loser boy being there, and turned a blind eye towards the activities that they knew were taking place just never discussed it
  4. Men don't feel apologetic about being caught in the act, far from any sense of 'apology' there is the anger and fury of the 'audacity' regarding the girls actions blinded them
  5. Women are stupid. The levels of belief, faith and trust they place to the extent of calling the man their life line is amazing and then they themselves place temptation and are unwilling to deal with the results
As disturbing as the serial is, given the encroachment of the media to the inner confines to ones life, there is a sense of liberation of how open the sharing is, how free of censure and taboo, how the women of today is raising her head and standing for her choices on her terms and her rules. 

The rest can walk her lines............

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

richness of india

Yesterday someone had a rather strange observation to make, that the Indian elite dont look well elite. As in the most connected person, could just be the ill kept with a poor haircut, non styled clothes, language issues, and gold rings displayed here there and every where

This same person however, could have the who's who's could have the ability to zoom into the CM;s house and sit for a random cup of tea.

Class and wealth. In the western context they always go together. Well almost, the wealthy people are also the ones with a certain level of class that they have, here the twain may not be together

Take the case of my brethren marwaris, rich as how. Classless as how....
unfit with rolls of fat oozing off their bodies they wear the most loud clothes, stones and diamonds jostle for attention, as they yell across the room to each other.

Money somehow gives them the license, to fart and belch a perfectly accepted norm in a room and worse spit and chew betel leaves with the mouth open. This same person would be the king of some empire somewhere

In the quest between acquiring wealth and knowledge the former seems to win
Class- is an illusive quality. The external parameters are easy to see, in the clothes, the shoes, maybe the mobile etc
But the internal parameters are the ones that make for more interesting judging., the depth and variety of knowledge, the meanings of it.

Guess the terms and conditions of class are tough to define
for me it is about the dignity of the person and respect for the others that labels it.

is that true? dont know

Tuesday, October 26, 2010


For me the start of the diwali day would mean the coming of the karva chaut, the fast that was kept by women for the long life of the husbands, the one ritual that has been sold as a tear jerker for aeons in each Karan Johar movie.....

There is something very sweet about festivals. One has the sole choice to do as much or as little as they want for themselves. But doing something makes the day that much more special, adds to the memory bank of moments else everyday fizzles of without any highlights into the other day and moments are not collected as one moves along.

I am sounding like some character from an Indian soap series!
not the intention

on other matters, it always amazes me how some corporate decisions are taken, they seem to stem from the gut more than any other place, there is so much under lying agenda, time spent on reading between the lines and getting a sense of what is going on.. pheeww what a waste of time i say!

love the drama of the corporate world and what it stands for
always so much excitement

to newness in this stage too

Sipping Coffee

Am listening to the chants of Ganapati come from my desk early in the morning, after a long time there is a slow peaceful start to the day and almost cant wait for it to take off.

Been a lazy blogger, slipping very fast from the one blog a day rule and that is not acceptable is it. So here is a quick recap for me about what has been happening


I love fridays, specially the ones where you did do some good work and then have the right to kick ur heels up and saayy aaaaah! that was good. The day was spent bb messengering with people abroad and connecting with friends. But the highlight of the day was Bollywood!!!

After ages went and saw a crap hindi movie and loved it. Jhoota Hi sahi. For those looking for a movie review, sorry by absence from bollywood makes me a very biased person to give a fair assessment of it, been singing the kai kai song ever since. Yes I am ready to be shot dead.........

Stayed up the night reading a book, and the 10 books on the list has been knocked down by one

The Colour Purple- Alice Walker a simple heart wrenching narrative of a black women and her truimph over her spirt, sounds very pansy like here, but was a tale well written. 

The Games Indian Play and Mythology are next on the agenda


What a day! woke up annoyed, got a call, got the framers to come super late, turned out to be a particularly annoying man who wanted to impress us with all the german songs he knew and took 7 hours to hang up the frames... but the evening was super fun

October fest was on. Beer rain as we showered in cans of beer and yelled along with shaan, and made it to the house with beer reeking off our clothes.

but for now this post has to end now because i have to head to work! laters

Friday, October 22, 2010

rummaging shelves

As i squeezed between the crowded shelves of my favorite store in Bangalore, I pondered about what kind of books attracted me. Accompanying me was an interesting colleague

 a consultant, MBA, exponent of mythology, passionate board game player, researcher in his tasks and a believer in the universe. 

Right before stepping into the bookshop this gentleman had been counselling me, yet again on the several advantages that would accrue to me, if I were to step out and get that MBA stamp done on the resume.. The list went on and on..

  • entering the best consulting orgnainzations
  • getting venture funding for a start up
  • being on a platform where more doors would open up for me
  • international cultural integration
  • automatic proof that you are good and have arrived
  • validation that u are elite, smart and capable. 
etc etc etc, a debate that had reigned last year and saw me invest a good 6 months of my life into applying, Gmating and stressing about the entire thread. The smart professional women me, heard it all, agreed with it all and then the only answer that i had, (more for me than as a counter argument) was.........

If there is something that you truly want, the universe shall conspire and give it to you

Practically speaking all he said held true. Spiritually speaking also there is no harm in being practically savvy and organized. More at peace with this thread than the last time, the subject reared its head, we headed to the book store.

And I smiled. There between the shelves, I found my answer

From the dazzling array of books, on everything from corporate stories, to turn around news, hedge funds and  strategies. little miss blondie went like a moth to a flame to sections that were only about, mythology, meaning of symbols and signs, relationships and more, the tao of pooh and the fundamentals of life, the deepak chopras and some fun reads

This was not an aberration. This was a lot of me. 
As I came to the billing counter, I smiled as i recalled how the maveriks of the world is who i associated with
the off beat dwellers
to be them, i needed invest in the straight and narrow
my meanderings, shall someday take me where i need to be

what and where that is. it does not matter.

Thursday, October 21, 2010


Its one of those non inspiring days, there is a lot to do and a lot to attain but the drive is sort of missing, i wonder what i shall muse about?

The plight of the educated indians? the sham of the paper colleges? the CWG and the investigations? the gujjar marriages, the 210 tonnes of drugs found in mexico? the feeling of corruption in my state government and the entire spectrum of disillusionment....naaah! that is too depressing

Here is another thread instead!

a story for the day.

Madhu sat wondering why he had been called in to office of the madam bitch, she was in a growling mood the moment she had entered office, must have been one of the maid not coming in the morning days because venom was dripping from her pores

and he was the unlucky one to bump into her. meet me in 2 minutes she growled. 

He knocked, timidly

Come in already, she snarled

He entered. She fumed. In 3 minutes flat she had destroyed his life as he knew it. For no reason she had given him a choice, to change his behaviour, grovel, apologise, decide to eat shame cake or to quit. At 30 and after spending so much time in this company this is not what we expected

anger bubbled in him, hatred and animosity. his normal moderate stance at events jostled for rationality and acceptance. Only him. only today, no reason. Why? his insides yelled..

he thought of his wife, the holiday he had promised her just this morning, the car that was three months old and the emis pending, the lavish plans made for new years, the uncertainity looming and how ill prepared he was for the rug below his feet being pulled like this

tears crept up unasked. Angry at his eyes, he rubbed them. making them yeild even more tears. Not wanting to be spotted like this, we slipped out of his office, switched off his phone was walked

Was a hot day, the unrelenting sun playing havoc with his mind. the park came around the corner and aimlessly he sauntered inside. 11am in a park. this had not happened in ages. he sat there and knew he should be thinking, stratergizing, planning but for some reason his mind was a blank. 

nothing came but the same thought, am fired. i am fired. it is real, it has happened to me, i of all people am fired, i am a failure, a incompotent fool, the chain of thoughts went over and over and over in his head repeating like a mantra that was god given

A sparrow came and hopped near the bench. timidly making a move towards some stale bread morsels lying on the ground. one hop, and a step back. one more hop and a step back. the distance of 2 feet took her about 7 minutes to get the courage to cover.

he sat there mesmerised. this is me isnt it. making one move that takes me to a level and then retreating, a circlular player in my own life, a dancer without a stage

a loud sigh escaped him as he sat and not knowing what else to do, got on to his bike, drove to the closest temple. set aside his slippers, moved to the most isolated pillar and sat there with his eyes closed

Peace and silence
mumbling of the bells.
old ladies praying for sons weddings, and promotions, 
young brides accompanying them holding the prayer plate as, they quickly slipped in a prayer of their own

he was not alone, others had fears and worries too
there was a god, there was a continuum
in the infinity of life, everything was whole and complete

Quieter and calmer, he left. Switched on the cell, saw the messages from concerned colleagues. Sigh! so the news was already all over the grape vine. He did not want to meet them, did not want the sympathetic looks and the pats that said it would be ok, life is shit but something happens for a reason and all that bollocks

not today, not now.

he straightened up. 12 am. the whole day was his, no emails nothing, The crisis management could wait for the now he wanted to live the day without any worried without any fear, to be alive, is what he needed most

Hmmmm so what does a free man do in a city he wondered? see a movie? nah.. lame, call friends.. nope everyone is at work? walk? too hot..... coffee ? alone.. made no sense!... 


He sat on his bike and drove. Drove without a plan, drove with music in his ears, drove till the highway called, drove till he saw he had come to his favourite lake. parked. got off stripped his clothes and dove in

Bliss, the sun, the water, the divine feeling of being alone in the middle of the day. He laughed as he splashed water around himself. Pretending to be a abandoned sailor in the middle of the sea.. Imagination! it is so good to talk to you again ;-)

He laughed at himself, feeling lighter. 
dove in head first, swam below water
waved to the amused kids standing by the edge and called them in.
They ran off and came back, holding his clothes threatening to steal them

he chased them, they laughed and ran faster, everyone landing up in one merry mess by the side of the fields, the cows mooed and for that one moment..... he knew it would all be all right

Life would flow, the answers would come, he was free and alive. 

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

sinful starts

One of the most sinful ways to start a Sunday, is to wake up, curl back into bed, get the basics of a coffee arranged and then crawl back into bed with a movie on. AAAAAAAH!! bliss. yes i know its the lazy mode of operation, and there is a lot more that one can attain in a day if one moves, be active etc etc

but sinful mornings are movie marathons in bed, curled in and engrossed
Where one can be disdanfulyl garfield types

As one movie traded place with the other, I became less and less aware of time. Meetings with friends that were vague plans were not followed up on and the day was allowed to slide on a slow pace of nothingness

Made me realise that I had become one of "those"

Those- being the friends who once they got married, you knew you were wishing them farewell for at least a few years before they resurfaced into wanting to be there and re connecting. The ones who seemed to float into a void that contained them and and their immediate family unit.

As shocking as this realization was, the more surprising thing was that I was totally all right with it.!!!

Disgusting really, how contentment has lead to some level of dis engagement from a lot of the people that I truly do care about, but for the first time in years have made peace with being the passive one not needing to be engaged in calling and plan making, but willing to let others take the lead and if they dont, its fine as well ;-)

hmmm its a strangely ok feeling, know in the gut that i should reach out more, do more etc etc, but for now.. i think i shall watch a movie!

kickstarting blues

This is a Saturday afternoon, breakfast done it was time to finally face the beast. The beast and me have had a long relationship. Started several years ago, in Delhi, would face the beast, move away from the glaring mouth and sheepishly head to the back and vala be off

In winters would freeze, in rains enjoy the lashings and in summer face the heat

So geared and ready Saturday we went down, strapped the gear on. For one of the first times saw him in the eye. Gave him a mean look and was on.

Only the beast had more in store that I had bargained for....... From the minute go we were on a war path, I would kick him, he would kick back, I would grunt his silence was the war cry. The BIKE LESSONS ON THE BULLET WERE NOT GOING AS PER MY MENTAL PLAN OF CRUISING FROM THE MOMENT GO!!!!!

2.5 hours later, 2500 kicks done on the kick start
face contorted into visions of absolute FEAR

I would accelerate when i needed to break, release the clutch when i had to press it, be convinced that each car was there for the sole purpose of toppling me and the coordination was about as fluid as that of a sumo wrestler trying to do the Ballet... pathetic

but to make myself feel better, at least is a pattern. It took me 235 days to learn to balance a cycle, my dad told me that it was genetic and that he had taken as long to learn, i told all my friends that each time they ere fed up of me not getting the silly thing to move.... much later when i was peddaling along with the wind in my hair did dad tell me that he had infact learnt in minutes, just did not want to discourage me from not learning.


So I shall cruize and cross the nation
smile in June with the bullet and the SLR against the Leh mountains
Be writing bullet tales and more

It is only a matter of time before the clutch dances to my tunes. kickstart is another matter

Friday, October 15, 2010

aaj ki taaza khabhar

Its here, its here, the festive season is upon us.

Though I am safely enclosed in my room, I can feel the festive season is drawing close. The shops are getting decorated, the newspapers are full of advertisments, the house is getting a new look, card parties are being launched, the sellers of flowers have got the stalls up and their are lights everywhere.

Even my gym is shut for the puja tomorrow.

I absolutely love Diwali time.Almost everything about it.

The permission you get to do up the entire house with pretty lights, the diyas twinkling in the oil, the little puja that you are not doing, without a clue if you are doing the right thing or not, the frenzy in the kitchen as things loong forgotten are made.

Each family has its own set of customs that must be followed. Ours was simple. It began with food and ended with gambling. The day began with everyone, the dog included waiting for the Kitchen to do its thing.

Fancy bf was made, and eaten with all the matris, and namak pareee, and cocunut barfi made earlier. One sweet had to had to be made and we remained obsessed about making Dahi Vada. The one customary thing that had to be done.

Each year mom fretted about not knowing how to make a nice dal ka halwa, so each year we trooped to a relatives house to meet, greet and well for sure, EAT. Annoyed at the long drives, one would come home and the best part would start.

Rangoli making, candles being put up, little feet being made on the floor. Dad yelling 1001 things that he needed for the Puja, mom muttering as she did this and that threatening that the TV better be switched off or else.

The puja itself, with the Marwari songs of mom, mixing with the chants of Jainism from Dads side, while me and my brother rolled our eyes. For sure there would be some teary eyes, as dead relatives were fondly remembered and missed. the solemness of the moment, would come to life then, as we all sat around the plate of the diyas and each one made one silent prayer of thanks and gratitude.

Then came the crackers, and the gambling. Diwali aint diwali if u are not gambling the nights away. To making it special this year. to showing how it is done, to the bloreans!

Thursday, October 14, 2010

fuller life

Met the person who has made a company devoted to giving everyone a chance to lead a fuller life. At 31 he knew, like his insides knew the time had come to become a business person. There was no clear plan, no business model in place, no heavy duty bank balance, but a conviction that there was something new that he needed to do, else he would be a bald man with a paunch and a wallet that combined to make him sit in an awkward manner.

So he decided to get others to lead a life as full as he wanted.

Hence began the fuller life and the runner for life forum. ( A company devoted to running, they organize runs and charge people for the organizational effort that goes into it. The community grows by itself as the fuel is internal and not provided by the company

new runners, old, young all come to feel the joy, of a sport where the only equipment worthy of envy is how you have maintained your body. And the takeaway a sense of accomplishment, that no money or product can provide

For me it was an interesting meet, not because there was a runner there but yet one more person, who knew who he was, had the balls to follow his heart and despite going away from the oft trodden path made his life to be a replica of what and who he is, a symbol of something he cares about.

Am sure there are a lot of mis fits there, not wanting to walk the 3 steps to the glass office that is a boxed existence, not knowing what else to do, not giving up questioning, but knowing that life is to be lived, not spent answering countless emails and living life is creating moments! all the time

memory makers alive

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Eat Pray Love

While I have come to Italy in order to experience pleasure, during the first few weeks I was here, I felt a bit of panic as to how one should do that. Frankly, pure pleasure is not my cultural paradigm. I come from a long line of super conscientious people. My mother’s family were Swedish immigrant farmers, who look in their photographs like, if they’d ever even seen something pleasurable, they might have stomped on it with their hobnailed boots. (My uncle calls the whole lot of the ‘oxen.’) My father’s side of the family were English Puritans, those great goofy lovers of fun.”

The above is an extract from the book Eat Pray Love, a book that remains one of my favorites of all times and whose lost meanderings in search for meaning for that inner voice, for that sense of being alive I associate with. While looking for material for this blog post, I stumbled across someone who had written a rather unique book review combining, photography, reading and food. ( a commendable piece of work

As the author states, yesterday was for me a day of pleasure. Pleasure without guilt, pleasure for life as is, in what it offers. 

I saw a movie in the middle of the day, in the middle of the week and refused to be anything but thrilled about the experience. My love for the mission and the journey, the protagonist goes through is deep.

Everyone knows the storyline, but what is missing was for me the deepest connect, was the scene where she realizes she is now hollow. Something has gone missing, there is nothing in her, no joy no sorrow, just automode. and to continue living like that is not something she can do anymore. 

So she travels. Slows down. Opens up. Learns to be alone and not be lonely. To look for answers, to ask the deep questions, to battle uncertainty, to enjoy the moment when a lot of balls were up in the air. To be and allow it to happen.

During her stint in the ashram, there was the sense of how the hell does any of this help that came up. Loved the advice that the Bali man gave her later, meditate with a smile on your face, your heart and your liver. Smile from inside.

As the day passed yesterday, I went back to a yoga class after what felt like years. The class did not make me smile, it made me sweat and made me realize how far I had drifted from the "center of me" but as i finished the class I was beaming. A beginning towards the centering had been made, and for now that was enough. As the shlokhas of the class drowned the teachers voice, I found myself nodding that this, is what I would run one day.

A simple place to unwind and de stress.

Towards the end of the movie, she states that the past year taught her, that if and when you are stuck, if you are willing to give up everything that you know is as safe and comfortable, and delve into the world of uncertainity, trusting the people that you meet, admitting and acknowledging that there shall be a lot of flaws that you shall see in yourself, falling in love with yourself despite these flaws and loving you as much as you love others, then and maybe then a new space starts to open up, where something new emerges.

There was a flow to her life, as is there in each one of ours as well. recently someone tried to teach me the art of 'free floating', not thinking not being, not nothing.

Was amused at how tough it was. In class yesterday, we had to trust 2 sticks to hold our weight as we well on to them. I could not. In fact have never been any good at all those trust falls that corporate camps insist on, specially the one where everyones stands around u in a circle and u let yourself go.

The last three words being the tough ones. Let it Go.
Not everything has to have an agenda.

Pleasure Seekers. That should be the name of some tribe.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Monday non blue

The non bluest monday was yesterday.

This is how the day went, woke up, decided to work from home (we all know what that means) went back to bed, got the coffee and the papers, cleaned the room, made some food, got the book, curled in read the book, curled out, wrote here, explained this space, had a fight, had a bath, resolved the fight, shook myself up, spoke to old soul, who is the gf, went for a swim, got thrown out, went for a walk, bought new running shoes, bought new socks, went to check out gyms and yoga schools, went to see a new club to maybe use, came home to a framers, converting house into home, took dog for a walk, ate junk food on the road, made the dog sit there while i ate the food on the street, the dog walked me home, plonked on the bed, read some more, spanked th4e dog, shut the lights, set the alarm for 6 am to use the new swimming cap and head for a swim, to then go for the yoga class at 7 am

excited and determined i was to change

dreamt that i had not heard the alarm and never gotten up
heard the alarm and did get up
hit the snooze for the dreaded 5 minutes
the 5 minuted made themselves 45 min by some strange sorcery
resolved to make it to the yoga class
the dog came there instead
love overflew
took him for a walk

met friends who are preparing for the marathon and running 5 km on day one
got ashamed, came home, packed bags with the intent of making this a better day
office said chill man, take it easy today
so the events of the top, are all to be recreated in reverse yet again ;-)
only moving from enquiries to action, fingers crossed!

BTW- people born in 1981 are Roosters. Big thinkers little doers. Apt

women vs men

Men and women are different. Not a very deep observation clearly.

Over the past two days, and 3 different conversations have made me realize how very different the mindset treatment is between men and women towards relationships, the expectations and the desire set.

Let me speak with an example to carry it through:

Interaction 1. Man is about to marry a lady, who he respects and believes can be crafted to be a good life partner as she is mouldable and has the same values that he desires. Fair enough, but there in the conversation came the one word that I have begun to dread, and learnt to expect.... Permission!!!! .. without intending to there came this point of time, where it was apparent that for her to do certain things, he would have to be ok with it, he would have no issues with her say doing X, as long as there was a requirement for it.

Interaction 2, another man a sole son who has for a long time been the good boy, the family spent a lot on getting the daughter married and now the son believes that he shall be the bait in the sea, to snare the fattest fish there is. this is not what he would want or desire, he wanted love, affection and the entire hog of what relationships are about.,.

Interaction 3- a young man said how he would like as a dad, to be able to veto and throw out some of the scum men that his daughter may in her not so developed wisdom choose to associate with, he had seen his close associate ruin her life and the choices she made thanks largely to the people she choose to call lovers, and believed that maybe this kind of counselling was not all bad

These are all well not really symbolizing the point that i was trying to make, but just reflect some strange societal malady that we have

Someone asked me.. is there a deep rooted conditioning to be married? is there a time line fixed to it for it being done by 30?

Knew that the answer to the First was POSITIVE. Indians need to marry, it is almost one of the KEY givens that they need to do in life. The rest being

  • study and graduate
  • take care of parents
  • be the best parent u can be to ur kids
  • save
  • leave the rest of destiny
But whatever we did we mostly at least got married. at least once

The 30 thing though; or maybe let me not call it the 30 syndrome, but the bio clock syndrome------- the effect of its existence what did it it mean.....was a question that made me pause, and do a dip stick with the women that i know of.

Here is what i found

For those who are married- and only MARRIED. the live ins/ relationship etc ppl dont have this sense of complacency, the bio clock is an undercurrent, they are aware of it, know about it, shall plan for it, but because they have the freedom at any point of time to exercise the choice, there is no hurry about it. As in because they sort of know, who they are with they seem to have dropped the larger question of When to.. not now maybe later, we are not ready yet etc etc

For those who are in a relationship-- the men and women play a dance. much like the antenna dance of insects. The men are there, they are genuine and all that, they make the women feel special and warm. The women dwell in this space and at the same time, commence to read and re read into each little move of the man the desire to settle or run. The actual conversation is never on the table and interpretations, assumptions rule the interactions

For those who are single- the clock is as alive, making them choose and wonder if it is time to let go of being the sole seeker and let the society in the form of parents, relatives or dating sites be the magic wand of rescue. Getting them out from the world of single hood

But at the bottom line... think both the men and the women have the desire to FIX IT, to close the deal, to know. Know if the other person wants what they want, if there is a shared aspiration, is this aspiration is going to become real from the dream state

The sense of urgency - the Age of Urgency differs
women peak it between the 29- 30 mark, the anxiety commences, peaks at 32 and may slide into passive destiny is as is thoughts at 35
For men the anxiety commences at 30 (Indian men, 32-33 for others) and peaks at maybe 36 and life begins anew at 40

This then creates a the crisis priority test
whose sense of urgency wins?
mans? or womens?

Monday, October 11, 2010


4.20 am. woke up early, moved into traveler mode. got ready, got moving
headed down, took the bike
went off to the first ever multiple bike ride

lots of bikes, lots of men, a select few women, a desire to cruise and 1 mountain top to view
if speed was a tester, and the way to ride a clue
each man and his machine was symbolic of the very person in them

there was no showroom bike, each had been crafted and moulded as per them
the stripped down bikes, hugged the road along side the electric blue ones,
the raw black competed with the gadgets

Each persons riding style was a clue too
the careless cutter between trucks, the daredevil
laughed at the tea stall, as the cool cruisers unmoved by speed and thrill chugged in

The sense of joining in together, was evident
one for the other, without really knowing who the other was
changing tyres, spark plugs all these without asking
the sense of comradeship, underlined it all

yet there was a distinct sense that being on the bike was a release
like the whistle on the pressure cooker, for a while it let them be
someone they were not allowed to otherwise be
think that is the missing link with men and gadgets
the need to let the machine talk about who and what they are
craft and identity out of what they drive, what they wear, the attitiude is on the helmet
because ............
dont know, maybe there is no other channel to vent and release it?

interesting, maybe this is what this space is for me

Saturday, October 9, 2010

letting go

There are choices that you make in life. Some of them should be simple enough to make, theoretically they are. but in actuality they are not.

Each choice that you make has consequences, and the willingness to accept them makes it tough to move on. What do you do when you dont want to make a choice, where you want to have your legs in two boats? Eventually you sink, drown or get exhausted

Never mind, the choice has been made.

As the weekend starts, I want to get organized. See my movie, walk, sleep, read, get bike lessons, get moving and commence to float.

m not very here right now, so this writing sucks
maybe tomm shall be a more lyrical day

Friday, October 8, 2010


I am at home today and it feels so slow, warm slow.

Sources of enthusiasm over the past 24 hours.

  • showering in my very own bathroom
  • Discovering that anything nice i own has moved out of my cupboard, ditto for my shoes
  • my car started, after a month, the tyres still had air and the 3 inch layer of dust could be peeled
  • there was food in the fridge and the bed was made
  • Reading Cine Blitz - a bollywood film magazine after years. Information learned included - antics of Salman uncle, SRK has discovered how to use a SLR, Imran Khan is preferred over Ranbir Kappoor, Kanguna's bitch gave birth and that Deepika Padukone has RK ex bf's initials stenciled on her neck ;-0 my life is infinitely more enlightened now. 
I can feel my insides un- winding as I stare at the laptop and refuse to look at the mountains of work that I still need to address. like a cat, i wana sit in the sun and stare into space, float into nothingness and even the idea of reading a book is too much of a strain. The lazy libran days seem to have come back into being....

my fingers have rested on the lap top, with threads of writing being rejected as too personal or too lame. There is no goal, no specific agenda that i feel the need to attain. accha feeling hai.

Time for a story......

Once upon a time there was a little insect called Minchu, who lived in the plains of Tibet. Minchu was a very privileged tick as he lived on the collar of the head lamas dog. The dog was well taken care of, with a thick furry coat that protected Minchu from the brutally cold nights, and strangely the dog never ever scratched around the area that Minchu stayed, almost tenderly only brushing the area around and letting Minchu dear be.

But today, as M woke up in the morning a strange sense of forebeding was looming on her. As she went about her day, hanging onto the dogs fur and surveying the world from her elevated status, she sensed a change in energy in the lamas abode. There were tense conversations, a increased fevour in prayers, the rosary beads being moved with a energy that was miles away from the slow drone of the past days.

M drew up on her haunches and wished the dog would walk into the head lamas liar, where the most frantic discussions had been on for the last 3 hours. But the silly dog, was buzy gazing at the cooks daughter waiting for her to drop a bit of the food she was stirring. Gawd! even the most intelligent dog seems to go to pieces when there is the smell of food in the air. 

She decided to wait for 15 minutes, and if he still refused to move she would have to use her last reserve tactic. Content with her devious action plan, she lay down, sniffing for the sweet spot to gorge on. Tucking herself below the collar, the heady smell of old leather filling her nose, she dug into her meal of the day and floated in bliss. 

Whooosssshhh,.., whoooaaaa.. she tumbled and had to cling on to the dogs hair frantically, as he began jumping up at the treat that the cooks daughter was offering. Clinging on for her dear life. Minchu let loose the choicest abuses at the silly girl and the even stupider dog, who fell for the same game each time... Come on sweets, good boy, yes you can do it, once more lets try to jump.. Y oh y , did god not makes these animals more intelligent she lamented. Would have been better to be on a cat!

Annoyed at having her dinner interrupted, she waited no more. Determination personified, she began the long walk to the back of the dog. Navigating, dirty hair, residue of dead ticks, the landscaped garden of the underbelly she made her way painstakingly to the ass, where the fleas colony was growing in numbers.

Knocking on the door, she was greeted by Flecia; the housekeeper for the colony. The fleas too had heard of the commotion in the monastery and were curious to learn more. Like gossiping aunts, they quickly hatched a plan and parted ways to begin the attack.

Bite, bite, the fleas marched out all over the dogs back, his legs and belly, nibbling, bitting, scratching. Scattering as he bought his legs to itch himself all over. Hassled, the dog finally left the kitchen and ran barking frantically into the head lamas room, on to his favourite couch, flipped himself on the rug and rubbed himself against the hard fur to relieve the never ending itch.

The fleas and Minchu cheered. Their plan had worked. Flecia hushed them afraid of being discovered, as they strained to hear the whispered conversations...

#@^%^H^&^.. rttytrt.. etr .. tashi reitisnt, whterer
yashi, lamshieres. chinese arrives

Chinese? Arrives?

The fleas paled. Minchu nearly fainted. 
The Chinese were coming
The lamas were worried

Whoever these chinese were, they def sounded scary and very very sinister. The head lama, had his head in his hands and for the very first time Minchu saw tears streaking down his face. Sorrow filled her core, even as the dog began yet another frantic rubbing session.

Minchu knew she had to do something. ........

Thursday, October 7, 2010


To continue from the post yesterday, I want to be published. Was reading some of the inflight entertainment articles in the Spice Flight and the desire to write in a manner that gets me published grew, travel writing being only one format of it.

Writing a book is such a unique experience. Years ago my brother wrote a book called Jenny. I my view it was heavily inspired by Heidi, a claim that he rejects to this date, and since the book never saw it to the shelves of any book store I remained part of the elite circle of readers.

Was probably the only book I had to read in parts, would wait anxiously as my brother wrote in pages and after pages, and since it was a secret mission, would have to hunt the house to find the notes, then hide in a corner and lick the imagination to the core.

Its magical, how a simple word document or a ruled notebook can be transformed into a land of creatures and emotions. A good book for me is one, where my mind takes over and creates fuzzy rooms where the main character stays, i smell the depression he may be in, have a visual of how he does his hair and probably borrowing heavily from real life, a visual movie is created in my mind as the book unfolds.

I dont have a story in me yet. But a desire to be on the back cover of a book, with one of those hair flowing, soft smile images, and a short note on the author, where the authors life always seems to be frameworthy perfect. You know what i mean... " she now lives in Vancouver with her husband, three kids, two dogs and a turtle"  ;-)

Think that is why I dont like seeing movies made from the books that I really really like. It kills my imagination. I would hate to see a movie on Atlas Shrugged, because then the movie makers visual replica would have to replace the huge cave like raven that currently exists, or how now for me Gone with the Wind = the dvd cover.

But coming back to the Spice Magazine that started this thread of thought in the first place. The text of the articles were not the greatest, but the content was. There was one article about this man, who started a club that encourages Blind people to photograph.An art form for them, it encourages them to feel the space, the light, the warmth, the subject as they compose and the results are fantastic

Or another on someone called Pete, who moved from being a docker, to a drummer, to a tabla player and is now a percussionist, and like the alchemist, each of these transitions seemingly happened to come when they needed to.

Kathmandu and Colombo were the travel places covered, along with a hidden jewel called Deeg- the last maybe a place i would like to visit, its only some 5 hours from Delhi. For the now it is good to head home, and look forward to a weekend of calmness. Despite my hating it, I want to see Eat, Pray love this weekend and swim.

Simple pleasures. Simple life.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Abort - disengage

Wake up, first thoughts are of work, the day ahead, the people to meet, feed the undercurrent of business, want to chase the idea of being a self starter, grope for answers, remember something about letting it flow, then i let it flow, the day proceeds, a new idea comes, there is a grasping that takes place, a lot of there is more to it, an immersing, a questioning of where all is this leading me?

ideas surface of how there is potential in India. can see it, feel the pulse of it. step back and can also see the shores of aussie land as atttractive as not, but then i ask myself what is it that i would work there as? and the idea of being in an office there is not the best, or what and how do i position myself remains unclear.... at the bottom of it remains an insecurity of maybe being a not too good enough brown person masquearading to be a know it all

I think too much, i talk to much, the difference is that i articulate it well
in a quest for what and where i want to be the answers are still unclear
the disguise of words works well

had a morning conversation today. someone pointed it out to me. the time to face me and make hard choices, to get somethings to work is here

Question 1-- what am i wanting to chase? If i want to live a passion induced life where i believe in something and that is why i do what i do. what is that belief? that big plan
Question 2- am i willing to make that leap to be here? remain and give a few years to grow that

there is a fuziness to me. A desire for a lot, each a tentacle worth grasping. As the last birthday drew to a close a reminder of a lifestlye surfaced. As i enter the next decade, i can flounder, remain a salary based person, creating memories from vacations... or i can choose different where i carve and create moments of success for me, which are true achivements

and from the little i know myself these achievements are not about getting the Honda or the house- those are by the ways things that you pick up. The achievement has to be frequently living moments where the gut tells u that u did good. the moment of reaching a goal that you designed for yourself.

Too many words again.
Believe that it shall come. Believe it is interlinked for me personally at some level with spirituality and the more i shine away from it the more i am going in circles
time to pull out the yoga mat, only this time the difference is that i am  not in a desperate situation, but maybe one of perceived calmness

Tuesday, October 5, 2010


10pm. Coimbatore bed. Dinner on its way.
Logging online to pay bills as the last date is here
The day was a blur of conversations, meetings and more digging into the recesses of peoples minds.
conjuring questions one after another that maybe strike the right cord and get you the answers that you are looking for

Ended with a session where i stared helplessly at the earnest faces of 15 tamilian men, with ash smeared foreheads, who had chosen to buy this car out of a sense of pride for the nation.. how incredible is that? Imagine some fluent english speakers, some tamilians, taxi drivers, finance people all crammed together and that was enough for me to howl into the moon

want a day where i dont have to think cars, stop whining little one! shall do so
So anyway as airport reviews go. Coimbatore is decent, u can walk from the airplane to the terminal. The luggage comes fast and there are no touts harressing you. infact it is better than chennai and kolkatta airports. The city to seems to be less closed in than Chennai is, maybe it is the hill air

Met a person who was the MD of a company that does all the R and D for tata cars. Big guy, rich and all but there was nothing in his attitude that would make one believe of his stautre. not merely financial but more the sense of knowledge and status that got him. Same with the international rally car people that i met who had won championships and were as humble as can be

lessons that we north indians can learn
am tired, this is it for me for today
nothing more is gng to be legible

Monday, October 4, 2010

horoscope of the day

Go your own way. There comes a time when you have to decide what it is you believe and separate that from what you think you should believe or what others tell you to think. Having a set of personal morals and standards is an invaluable tool for this life, so work on developing yours. It may not be terribly easy at first -- after all, going along with the crowd can be ever so much more comfortable -- but it'll be so worth it in the long run.


I am writing this from a conference room in Chennai, the one city that as much as I try to warm up to, it seems impossible.

Guffaws for the city seem to forever be longer than anything charming about it, but at least today the people were warm and not wanting to shred me to pieces, am meeting a bunch of people, from army majors, generals, some car rallies, the personal driver of adbul kalam, car ralliest and even the brave women of tamil nadu have decided to brave themselves for this one event

the event being very simple, if ambassador was to make a comeback, what is the shape and size that it should adopt for the car to be a success, a simple question that has me moving from city to city, balancing stress levels of people whose careers hang on this one question and of those who are passionate about this topic

As i travel i meet people, as i meet people i am amazed at how such a seemingly inconsequential question can arouse such emotions.
Cars and emotions. A connect that is strong, though to me was non evident

Take for example this one person i met in Delhi. His grandmothers vintage car was sold. He was upset. It was 2000. He decided to become a heritage keeper. In a span of 10 years, he opened a car museum, bought over  80 vintage cars, got into a whole new world of obtaining knowledge about who sells what, loves the chase of buying them, resorting them etc etc and all this while managing a full blown career!!!!!

He is not alone, there are several little such driven men sitting across the nation. 225 members of vintage cars alone. Maybe, just maybe it is making a sense to me why Rajas and Maharajas of the world went hunting, or why an athlete pushes himself to train at crazy hours, or a musician practices for a years in a back room for 30 min on stage

its a heady cocktail of being lifted beyond the mundaneness limited life, thinking free for those select 30 minutes, the adulation, the records and feeling the HIGH where there is nothing else interrupting your thoughts, no past no future no taxes, just the moment

Felt like that on the Quad bikes i got to ride on my birthday
But how did i get here from Chennai

Well for todays session, all these super buzy people are braving traffic and coming in to spend 2 hours for a session they know nothing or little about. it is for a car! makes me feel humble and jealous. Jealous - from absence of a desire to have that feeling of contentment.

Sunday, October 3, 2010

missing trivia

Its Sunday night and am sitting in a relaxed setting. The dog is by my legs, 2 walks have been undertaken, work set for the week, the lights are yellow and a super holiday in a series of holidays has been completed, yet it feels at some level exhausting and tiring. Wonder where this draining feeling is coming from.

What is missing?

Balance? exercise? meditation?

At least i know that it is not travel ;-) if there is one thing that the Germany trip and the travels showed me as a lesson is that I am ready to grow roots, to get a routine that works in a place, no matter what the place is. As I spoke to fellow seekers in the Berlin ashram and met people who had come from Australia, to Romania, to Berlin to settle there and discover who they were .. a deep sense of fatigue began setting in.. all i wanted was to crawl back into getting into a routine that was more balanced and routine and within this get something BIG to happen

BIG- Maybe this is work, maybe it is running a marathon, but think the answer is somewhere in making a difference to me and others, maybe at someplace some time getting something mamoth to happen. Like the Steffi Graf and Agassi foundation- that is raising money.. or some who are getting education. The time will come to nose dive, know that I am collecting my dots, and the next decade shall be about stringing them together.

As a wise Berlin man told me, there is a set time for everything and you cant rush it
Waiting and enjoying the wait is wise


Gandhi Jayanthi

Was a dry day.

Sad but true that seems to be the most vivid association that is left with the day. alongwith shameful head nodding that the day has happened to fall on a Saturday and so, there is no additional holiday that we are entitled to ;-)

Pathetic in a way really that after all that has happened we are left with an apathetic feeling about it being so taken for granted. Freedom is valuable, cant dream of it being any other way.

And the fact that we were secondary citizens for so long seems a reality that was a dream. A tiny idea has been growing inside me, there is a certain rush of energy is devoting your self to something larger than yourself. For some people it is the passion of collecting bikes, for some paintings, recently met people who are devoting time and energy to vintage car collection, for someone else it is womens rights, whatever the forum the one thing that is tying them all together is the need to be LARGER THAN A MUNDANE LIFE

So, the challenging thing for me is what is the one thing that i want to choose. Life is good right now, very good there is a lot of interesting work, people, love, life, etc but there is a challenge factor missing, a new thing that consumes you, something that is so internal that there is no need for an internal motivation.. wonder what that is. as i reach 30- there is a danger of letting life become mundane and slip you by or seizing it and doing something that makes u say.. yea well that was a ride worth taking

Friday, October 1, 2010

29th September 2010

Its good to land in Bangalore and come to work, have a routine. These were the thoughts that came into my head as I landed.

The next thoughts, were even more of a jumble. I suddenly realized that I did not have any city anywhere that I associated strongly with. In Delhi, I felt at home but felt like I was passing through, in Blore - I knew it was home, but also knew that I did not quite fit in, was not a true blood belonging there person, in Kolkata, the old world charm was appealing but the slowness, the quaintness and the babu attitude seemed to override any desire to be there. The north east is baffling, south language barricaded, north - technically home but since i am not the conventional alloo paratha you remain a fringe dweller. so where then is home?

did not know.
did not seem to matter
all i knew was that atleast within India the skin tone let u hide or slip in unnoticed and no one questioned you anymore

As I sat once more in a bus, I saw myself becoming the agitated bitchy traveler. Was angry as the bus being 45 minutes late, at the conductors refusal to store my bags in the luggage dump, at his insistence that I have the curtain drawn around me, the loud blaring music from the first stop, the beeping of the horn, every little thing of the ride was making me holler from inside.

Realised then that I was fighting the impossible.. you cant fight india, you have to allow it to flow, for things to go wrong and when once in a way they fall into place all by themselves one can only be amused and not take that as the new standard

But as I mentally worked myself to accept this reality. A sense of anger at this state of affairs became stronger n stronger. Sri Lanka manages to remain clean., it just came out of a civil war. Ditto for Indonesia, Singapore, Thailand, Malaysia., what do we lack that makes us so "agreeable" to low standards of hygiene? or just laziness in delivery?

Someone said it is because we lack leaders, and so have always remained leaderless, directionless, spreading laterally. maybe that is it.

There is a need to defer, to bow down to respect not the person but the chair.
wonder where that came from
interesting is all i think that is
and a great thing to change too

30th September 2010

I have a very historic birthday. Am serious. Very impactful events seem to happen on my birthday. None that I create.

For example
- 30th September 2010- The Ayodhya verdict comes out, India waits with bated breath
- 30 Sept some year- Plague breaks out in Gujrat
- 30th Sept some year.-The gigantic earthquake of latur happens
- 30th Sept someyear - the sofa in my house catches fire
- 30th Sept someyear- Unprecedented floods in Kolkatta

Ok so maybe not every year but often enough there is enough and more that happens causing a lot me to wonder what do destruction and me have in common.

So this year I turned 29. The fact that this was surprisingly old, came and hit me when the papers mentioned that it had been 18 years since the Babri Masjid drama and I have clear recollections of it. Meaning that I am old enough to remember and comment on historic facts. Sad

But the birthday itself was mesmerizing
There was moonlight and champaghne
quad bikes and beachy sands
children on the bikes and screeching
afternoon mojitos and the pool
lazy lunch and
new shoes
a catermaran
the wind
a sunset and
a drink

a series of experiences that made each one more alive and perfect in its simplicity. Now the pressure is back on me to create some magic and make some noise... May I live up to my expectations
to such days, that make crap days worthwhile

What a birthday

I admit. I have slipped on the blog writing HUGELY! the backlog is so immense that I wonder if it is worth even trying to make the effort of rewinding and rewriting.

Anyway, it is October 1st today. A day that means I am stepping into a brand new year after an entire 365 days have gone past. In my silly head i treat it almost like a New Years Day, with milestones and little goals of things to do.

But before anything else... this was the king of all birthdays. By the sea, in the moonlight, champagne in hand i spent the day being with the only person I wanted to, choose to acknowledge and not take a lot of calls because I was too busy doing things, new ones, riding, surfing, jumping, sitting, "being" something that had been missing for a long time now.

There is something that back to back travelling does to you. On a good note it makes the week so much more alive more vibrant, on the other it makes u feel that you have been gone forever, from the place called home.

Drama aside. Here is the news flash, this is the last year of being in the 20's. There is something very very ADULT about being 30! like you are now BIG and GROWN UP and must have an investment portfolio. Needless to say, I dont think I am any of these, latter specially not.. So was thinking of cooking up a list of things to do before I am 30

Corny Corny I know. but come on.. I am writing after a while. so Ssshh

  • Scuba dive
  • buy property - not a lens but a house
  • visit sri lanka, leh, ladhak, australia and spain
  • learn 1 language
  • ride the bullet
  • walk without falling in high heels
  • jive
  • cook- without always experimenting
  • start yoga, be anorexic
  • do the M thing that i dont want to label
  • have savings
  • a looong car
  • meditate daily
  • contribute to charity
  • have one thing, something that is larger than me that I enjoy doing and give time to
find me, in the chaos of momentum i find me and before I am 30 I learn a little bit of stillness that can be...

Here is to resuming writing, I missed this space
to the next year, may the growing from now to 1st October 2011 be sensational
may i prosper while remaining grounded, create a house while buying a home, create friendships while retaining the old, recognize inner silences while dancing wildly with the crowds, learn to let go, learn to control, enjoy the moment, create a tomorrow and hope that there is a little maddness to blog about in all this.