Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Abort - disengage

Wake up, first thoughts are of work, the day ahead, the people to meet, feed the undercurrent of business, want to chase the idea of being a self starter, grope for answers, remember something about letting it flow, then i let it flow, the day proceeds, a new idea comes, there is a grasping that takes place, a lot of there is more to it, an immersing, a questioning of where all is this leading me?

ideas surface of how there is potential in India. can see it, feel the pulse of it. step back and can also see the shores of aussie land as atttractive as not, but then i ask myself what is it that i would work there as? and the idea of being in an office there is not the best, or what and how do i position myself remains unclear.... at the bottom of it remains an insecurity of maybe being a not too good enough brown person masquearading to be a know it all

I think too much, i talk to much, the difference is that i articulate it well
in a quest for what and where i want to be the answers are still unclear
the disguise of words works well

had a morning conversation today. someone pointed it out to me. the time to face me and make hard choices, to get somethings to work is here

Question 1-- what am i wanting to chase? If i want to live a passion induced life where i believe in something and that is why i do what i do. what is that belief? that big plan
Question 2- am i willing to make that leap to be here? remain and give a few years to grow that

there is a fuziness to me. A desire for a lot, each a tentacle worth grasping. As the last birthday drew to a close a reminder of a lifestlye surfaced. As i enter the next decade, i can flounder, remain a salary based person, creating memories from vacations... or i can choose different where i carve and create moments of success for me, which are true achivements

and from the little i know myself these achievements are not about getting the Honda or the house- those are by the ways things that you pick up. The achievement has to be frequently living moments where the gut tells u that u did good. the moment of reaching a goal that you designed for yourself.

Too many words again.
Believe that it shall come. Believe it is interlinked for me personally at some level with spirituality and the more i shine away from it the more i am going in circles
time to pull out the yoga mat, only this time the difference is that i am  not in a desperate situation, but maybe one of perceived calmness