Over the past two days, and 3 different conversations have made me realize how very different the mindset treatment is between men and women towards relationships, the expectations and the desire set.
Let me speak with an example to carry it through:
Interaction 1. Man is about to marry a lady, who he respects and believes can be crafted to be a good life partner as she is mouldable and has the same values that he desires. Fair enough, but there in the conversation came the one word that I have begun to dread, and learnt to expect.... Permission!!!! .. without intending to there came this point of time, where it was apparent that for her to do certain things, he would have to be ok with it, he would have no issues with her say doing X, as long as there was a requirement for it.
Interaction 2, another man a sole son who has for a long time been the good boy, the family spent a lot on getting the daughter married and now the son believes that he shall be the bait in the sea, to snare the fattest fish there is. this is not what he would want or desire, he wanted love, affection and the entire hog of what relationships are about.,.
Interaction 3- a young man said how he would like as a dad, to be able to veto and throw out some of the scum men that his daughter may in her not so developed wisdom choose to associate with, he had seen his close associate ruin her life and the choices she made thanks largely to the people she choose to call lovers, and believed that maybe this kind of counselling was not all bad
These are all well not really symbolizing the point that i was trying to make, but just reflect some strange societal malady that we have
Someone asked me.. is there a deep rooted conditioning to be married? is there a time line fixed to it for it being done by 30?
Knew that the answer to the First was POSITIVE. Indians need to marry, it is almost one of the KEY givens that they need to do in life. The rest being
- study and graduate
- take care of parents
- be the best parent u can be to ur kids
- leave the rest of destiny
But whatever we did we mostly at least got married. at least once
The 30 thing though; or maybe let me not call it the 30 syndrome, but the bio clock syndrome------- the effect of its existence what did it it mean.....was a question that made me pause, and do a dip stick with the women that i know of.
Here is what i found
For those who are married- and only MARRIED. the live ins/ relationship etc ppl dont have this sense of complacency, the bio clock is an undercurrent, they are aware of it, know about it, shall plan for it, but because they have the freedom at any point of time to exercise the choice, there is no hurry about it. As in because they sort of know, who they are with they seem to have dropped the larger question of When to.. not now maybe later, we are not ready yet etc etc
For those who are in a relationship-- the men and women play a dance. much like the antenna dance of insects. The men are there, they are genuine and all that, they make the women feel special and warm. The women dwell in this space and at the same time, commence to read and re read into each little move of the man the desire to settle or run. The actual conversation is never on the table and interpretations, assumptions rule the interactions
For those who are single- the clock is as alive, making them choose and wonder if it is time to let go of being the sole seeker and let the society in the form of parents, relatives or dating sites be the magic wand of rescue. Getting them out from the world of single hood
But at the bottom line... think both the men and the women have the desire to FIX IT, to close the deal, to know. Know if the other person wants what they want, if there is a shared aspiration, is this aspiration is going to become real from the dream state
The sense of urgency - the Age of Urgency differs
women peak it between the 29- 30 mark, the anxiety commences, peaks at 32 and may slide into passive destiny is as is thoughts at 35
For men the anxiety commences at 30 (Indian men, 32-33 for others) and peaks at maybe 36 and life begins anew at 40
This then creates a the crisis priority test
whose sense of urgency wins?
mans? or womens?