Wednesday, February 23, 2011


A nugget of a thought has been germinating in my tummy for a few days.

In the spectrum of people that I am close to there are around me there are a 2 broad categories that I can define them in. Know it is a general classification and that there are several lives that are being lead by different peoples doing several things.

But on a broad level. In my world there are 2 classes of people

One. - Those who have moved and evolved in the personal life. 

These are the friends whose faces I see dotted all over Facebook. The streams of albums are regular with content snaps about kids, the mothers last visit home, the first diwali, the honeymoon, the wedding, the baby bump, the baby walk, the albums usually convey 2-3 things

- if there is a baby, life is centered around it. often there is little more than the mom and the dad and the baby there, unless u are lucky to have the grannies around
- if there is no baby, then the albums are about the couple and the weekends spent together, some fun moments and occasional drinking sessions where there is a lot of drinks around.

The careers and the work are a part of who they are, but a much smaller part. The contentment seems to stem from their personal anchorage, the friends that abound and the feeling of security that comes with it. For the women there is more so true, they being the ones posting more than the men images in general.

Two - The forging ahead in careers, self expression and self exploration. 

Intense, experimental people they are the ones who have experimented with what they choose to do, where they choose to do and what they make of it. Being human they too are seeking love and promise, but the partners are to be part of the journey not a pause to it.

These are the people sitting in scattered corners doing things that make sense to them... it may be painting walls for street kids, or teaching theater to the kids in jail, for some it takes the form of having a large social group that challenges them or for the other travelling and expressing themselves... For each work is also a part of what they do, but the quest is HUGE to express themselves, be themselves - all through the day, all the time, as much as they can

This category is also restless. Often discontent, falling into mind spirals and deeply questioning of even the good things that may come to them. Speaking about the self, it also means that you are deeply impressed and swayed by what someone else is doing.. the GRASS ALWAYS SEEMS GREENER SOMEWHERE ELSE..

But they DO. Whatever it may be the chaos has a sense of doing and being ... it may be in the form of getting a bakery to form in South Africa or in living in Ireleand.. a lostness of the soul finds anchorage in exploration.

If this remains the classifications of people that I choose to make, for some reason I feel that the while navigating the turmoil of life, I have landed up close to where I started from, with the wishes and aspirations being similar to what it was a few years back. Movement has been there, internally but reflected poorly externally

as a believer in the law of attractions, maybe the fault lies in the confused signals that one sends. As one enters the 30's there are different things, each strong in its desire, each compelling that make ones mind turn.

One wants to travel and see the world
One wants to have a family, a home
One wants to study again, not for the thappa but for the joy of knowing
One wants this all. and now

Result one keeps wanting. Glad am entering the silent course for 4 days, can let go of all the wanting and move to some receiving. 

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

fainting spells

Its a terrible thing to do, not write for a long time and then and come at the screen, wondering what to drivel here about. As usual there is so much that happens and fades so fast from memory that there is little left to recall but here goes.

Its a super duper day in Bangalore, the rains came, the clouds are here and there is a breeze that is just super tempting .. it calls out to you to come there and make merry, jump in the puddles, run in the rain, get the cycle out and strap yourself on it wheeling and yelling as you head downstream.. instead I headed to office and despite the long long drive was super happy.

So hence its proved. Sun = Sad me. Clouds = happy me. 
In fact I hate the sun so much that I faint when made to stand in the sun for too long. hmm actually I can faint in a number of occasions, one is made to stand in the sun, then see blood.. mine - urs anyones... and sometimes when i have fever.

This is actually news to me. All my student life, I hated morning assemblies. The standing in the ground, - March Pasts- what the hell is the point of a march past? carrying a flag and romping up and down the ground with some silly uniform on you and the arms moving in some posture.
The obsession with screaming out - Squad left turn and right turn,,, and then watching as everyone turns looking like some puppets strung up on keys... 

(think i hate them that much because I never ever got selected on the squad, ever)

Moving along, think I shall cite some of my most dramatic fainting spells. They never ever happen when I want them to.. and never as a student.

Memory 1

Sitting in Cafe Coffee Day, a long time ago when all of a sudden there was a crash. The glass a friend was drinking from cracked, crashed and she got a cut on her palm. Being a doctors child she rushed to the hospital which happened to be across the road and howled. The nurses wanted to bandage her and give her a teatnus shot, but she wasnt in the mood at all.. she wanted mommy. So the nurses called me.... to hold her down Fair enough. 

I went behind her, was talking to her and my eyes were looking at her wound. Net reaction, I became woozy, she continued yelling and the nurses threw us both out as soon as she could.

Memory 2 
Community blood donation camp. I am just a few months short of 18. The camp rules state that one must be above 18 to donate. I am elated and the guilt of the Kargil Soldiers not getting my share of blood feels a little better. But being a responsible citizen I feel that I must do my two bits and so.. I decide to solace those who were donating blood.

Armed and Confident I enter the room. See mommy friend stretched out on the stretcher. Stand next to her and begin to praise her, her courage, her karmic points. She is nervous... and asks to hold my hand. I gallantly extend it to her. Resolute in my stance.

The needle is taken out of the packet. Cotton swabbed on the veins, the nurse finds the right point and inserts the needle in. I STILL stand, then the blood comes. Trickles through the pipe, from the pipe into the bag, sits there.. can see the red river flowing out.. ominous, thick.. like a snake with a life of its own. 

My head begins to get lighter. I hold on to the ladies hand tighter. Seeking solace from her than giving her any. As my hand clutches hers, she reacts, contracting her other arm.. causing more blood to come spurting out. phhheesshhh... phhussssh.. like jets of bloody red rivers

Hmm the confident me collapses on the bed.
Is escorted out and asked to please leave

So much for that....

Memory 3 and 4 

Memory 3 and 4 - are clubbed because they have 1 thing in common. In both these spells when i fainted I dreamt about Shah Rukh Khan, and when I was made to wake up.. I remember being very cross because the dream was far better than reality. 

Memory 3 saw a recovering from fever me, tired of being bed ridden and determined to get some fresh air. I head out of the house to the local fruit seller. The house was new, and none of the neighbors or other people had any clue who i was. Badly dressed in flappy pajamas and over sized T shirts I commence asking the price of papayas and the rest.

The man stacks them on the counter. I start leaning on it too. Trying to make sense of the maths and the squiggles that count as numbers, they seems to be swimming. The last thing I remember is that they were all dancing on the page....and then............................................. zzzzzzzzzzzz

nothing... Shah Rukh Khan is dancing in a giant depression in the ground. Vivid hues of drapes are there giving a glimpse of the sky, a south indian swing appears, he hops on and is dancing on it.. the heroine is making her entry, its a shot of her back.. she is moving slow n sensous, he is about to twirl her... 

ARREY!!!! wake her up.. which house? Guard Guard... hmmm WTF?? I wake up to see me on the ground, no actress in sight and am escorted to the house, promptly faint in the lift again and sleep!. So much for the fruits.......

Memory 4
1 bike, 2 people. 2 buffalo's and 1 farmer. Farmer ties buffaloes to each other and dies them jet black for fun, then to increase the comic appeal decides to make them walk in the middle of a crowded highway. The 1 bike 2 people- decide to be smart and to overtake the series of cars on the left.

The bikes see the buffaloes. 
The buffaloes ignore the bike
Bike gets mad, and decides to go through the 2 buffaloes
Except the buffaloes-- were well .. tied

Bike hits Buffallo 1, is tossed on to bufallo 2. 
Both Buffallos then move off, without much ado
the bike is on the ground as is me. 
along with a crowd watching like bees

I am dragged to the road, wake up. declare that I am fine.
Touch my hair, feels weird
see my hand and see red
fall on the closest man..,.. and slide off him onto the road

Shah rukh khan twirls the heroine.. its none other than Kareena Kapoor, they are singing on the swing.. a lot like the zobee doo bee song in three idiots.. I am deeply asleep enjoying the spectacle.....

Water ... I pop my eyes open. and yell.. WHAT!!! LET ME SLEEP!!!! only to see that there are about 20 ppl looking at me, that i am on the road.. and sheesh, well cant be allowed to sleep there!!!

Hmm.. so far that was the last fainting spell. 
shall keep u posted if and when the next one emerges.
Till then, no sun no blood. 

Friday, February 18, 2011


Sheetal checked herself in the mirror.. hmm not bad. This new short hair look had a certain something about it. Tossing her hair side to side, she ran her fingers through it to see how it fell in several directions.

Her eyes met those of the hair dresser. His deadpan look, implied immense boredom.The hair dryer perched on his shoulder with the 100 pocket pouch strapped against his waist.. his eyes were vacant, not even looking at her as she preened and pouted.

She pushed her chair back a notch.Startled, he collected himself and glanced at her. "would u like to see the mirror for the back view maam" ? She declined, happy with the way her hair was falling around her face, she wanted to bounce off from the chair and head out .. sashaying down the street.

Megha used to always qoute this, there is nothing like a haircut to instantly make a girl happy.. Smart child she was... ;-)

She got up. Slung her big handbag on the shoulder and marched to the billing counter
The lady there, glanced up and smiled
'nice haircut maam, suits you'

She grinned, resisting the urge to slide her fingers n toss her tresses some more. Paying her bill, she left the tip amount at the counter, not wanting to disturb her stylist in his dreams. There was something about parlours that she could not place her hands on. Either the place wanted her to sink into the nearest chair, close her eyes and surrender. Or somehow they made her squirm- where she did not feel classy enough to be there. Felt like an imposter and wanted to run.

Think it was somehow connected with the sense of comfort that was there with the person touching her. A man sitting in front of her, with her feet on his knees, scrubbing with all his might was - ' shameful?' and 'powerful' at the same time.

Dominance- a subtle feeling that comes over you when a man is bent over you. Spending his time in beautifying you. The same things when done by a women feels somehow normal, there is a sense of gratitude that comes in but somehow with a man there is a difference.

She paused as she walked, slowing down her pace. Maybe it was a childhood thing. Anything that was about personal touch she can only remember her mom doing it for her. The baths in the morning as a child, buttoning the shirt or tying her shoe laces.

Men like dad and uncles were far removed, to be used as cuddlers in the morning or at best for the occasional session spent swinging in there arms.. gleefully grinning. Men were somehow not meant to be that close, not meant to touch as much - there was an unwritten rule that she had imbibed

Interesting she thought as she walked along the street.


A world onto itself. You gave license to very few people to touch you- even in a platonic manner. What defined it? Gender or the role they played in your life?

She traced the list of friends she had. Men and women. With both sides, there were some, she would not think too much about before hugging or maybe even putting her head on there shoulder. For some others - she would be careful to ensure that while the fastest banter was on, or personal conversation took place she would not get too close. not hug. not touch.

Recoiling at touch was instinctive. Even when it was innocent.
it was personal. it was about me.
even a doctor was somehow allowed in, with reluctance.

Yet this one thing- could say so much without words. She remembered the few times where someone holding her hand was enough of a reassurance.- the world was ok, that meant. .......... as much as she appreciated it. this spontaneous touch did not come easy to her. it never had.... not beyond the world of lovers or babies or dogs.

Group hugs with friends, or lying down with a lot of body contact with a bunch of girls was weird. In school, the girls wanted to hold hands even when going to the loo.. and she never got it. ever.

She smiles. Holding hands.... what an introduction that was. Hazy memories of the first time she held a boys hands came rushing back.

The hot afternoon, the fingers tracing the area where the others hand lay... the hesitation, the fear, the desire all heady unreal. The retreating finger meeting the palm. hovering, wondering .... if he wanted it too, would he respond.

the soft touch, tracing lines on each others palms.
fingers dancing.
conversing in there own tongue

the rest of her and him. pretending nothing was on
talking to the others on the table
living 2 lives in 1.

the one touch and the possibilities it opened up.

she sighed. Tossed her sparkling hair and looked up into the sky. Grateful for her life, her world. For the people who had allowed her to be with them, and allow the language of touch to be speak.

Thursday, February 17, 2011


After almost a year of wanting to watch it, the movie was in my hands. Udaan the coming of age movie of a teenager, caught in a no way out situation between his compulsive father who refuses to be called anything else other than Sir and the fact that he is a simple 17 year old.

Anurag Kashyap, says the story without any frills, a no hold barred as in movie where the stark realities of Indian households are depicted for all to see. Think the other movie that was able to get so real into the Indian household was Fire and Khosla Ka Ghosla. A no holds barred view.

Seeing the movie one was hit by how a weak social security system leaves so many vulnerable. ...... it has become one of those things that we are resigned to .. have come to accept. We accept that there are child beggars, we accept that there are 14 year old maids, little boys in road side dhabaas, women who are beaten and maids who tell us about it as we sip chai in our drawing rooms.

It is reality, and the best we can do is offer some chai, some companionship, lament about karma and move on. ... Strange, even as a educated legally aware women, if I was in a situation of domestic violence and needed shelter for the night I would not know who to approach beyond a friends place. The police would be viewed with fear ... more of a barrier than a solution giver... and def not a place for someone in a emotionally worked up state.

Juvenille Jails are bursting at the seams. Not surprising, a friend of mine is working on using theatre as a medium to get them to connect with themselves.... in Mumbai in my friends teach for india school, there are so many children with parents who dont deserve them.. kids for whom coming to school is itself an achievement
He does his bit, gets a little bit of sunshine into their life but one wonders .. if some of the swiss funds parked by our dear politicians .. released every year for these kids was to be released to them - then maybe the world would be a little happier.. a little more human .. a place where a 4 year old is not raped... 

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

how the tide turns

Knots are loosening up. Solutions are being found and smiles are slipping out from the lips. Between yesterday and today, a span of 24 hours in the mental set up there is so much that has changed. 

Yesterday was grey, more questions few answers. Each question seemed to be leading to another issue. Each issue was lining up like the head of a Ravana and mocking me from the distance.

Much of it was real, much of it was self created. Silly things, like needing to withdraw, who shall take care of the dog, how do I make a rhythm for me, where is home, when do I silence myself. 

There was a bottle of carefully preserved anxiety that broke, the oily mess refused to be contained and all I could do was be weepy. Water helped, some cleaning took place.

But suddenly the knots are loosening up. Bit by bit.

There has been a solution found where the dog shall be taken care off without me feeling terrible about it. A colleague has decided to shift in from Mumbai and this is good news for me too.

In a day some rays came in.

A little thing took place yesterday.. without orchestrating it there were three women in the house together. There was one who had just separated and was beginning to explore love again. Tentative little bursts of energy, and then a with-drawing shy. Scared and dabbling in middle class values.

As she sat on the table and we discussed her work, she spoke about life in a village, the time where she lived with a farmer community in their house. The daughter in law, at 19 would walk 6 km one way, collect Mahua and then return.. without any water and proceed to cook, clean wash and then only eat herself.. as outsiders this was bearable because it was for a bit. Then we would come back .. to amenities and petty woes

For them it stayed as life. 

On Sunday I was out for lunch. A begger women had her baby in her arms .. the baby was ridiculously cute, smiley happy gurgling little thing.. the mother was begging with an empty milk bottle. For that moment – you did what you could and proceeded to enter a fancy Italian place where we ate a lunch for some 2500 bucks. Devourved some wine n mushrooms. Followed it with ice cream.. and came back happy.

Was just thinking .. how much birth determines it all. Everything stems from that act. Who is where, who is what. All comes from there, all is that

Mythologically speaking there are 7 worlds above and below. The level we descend to or arise from determines where we head to the next time. If this becomes the mandate then all we need to do is to do the best to as many people as we can all of the time, baas.

Tuesday, February 15, 2011


It hit me that I am not listening to myself.  In the rush of life there is a lot of things to be done, firefighting here, fire fighting there, meetings here and there, travel now, get the flight, decide this, decide that, move this, sign up... I have allowed myself by myself to become flustered and knotted.

These knots are not unwinding in a hurry, each knot has a rope coming up leading to the other knot, a quest for answers within answers that take place. In this hustle that I have in my mind i need to Pause for me, to rediscover what and who i am.

Self preservation.

This is where it is stemming from.
I have a dream and believe in it, and am so very keen to begin living it
that i cant wait.
yet, there is a little demon inside that tells me .. what if it does not happen?
what then..
life teaches u lessons
learn from it

Yet there is the need to give the dream all it needs
fuel it, flame it and let it leap to life
between the practical and the emotional
am not sure where i stand

all i know is that its finally time to acknowledge that inside of me
i am not ok
i am not at ease
and i am scared. very scared.

Sitting in office with weepy eyes, i am reminded of time a few years ago
for me to be good to me
i need me to feel me
slow down
pamper urself and know that its all right

time for the yoga mat to come out again.

Monday, February 14, 2011

huuuhhh huhh huuhh hmmm huuuhhh hhhhh

That’s the mood that I am in. if you have ever met me you even know the sound associated with it.. its like a constant hum, interspaced with the movement of a bike.. sort of like a bike coming to life in a chocking manner.

Ok it’s a whine. A grumbling kind of a whine… that I am exceptionally good at making as a noise, and it manages to annoy the daylights of the people.  The point that is there to be made is what in the world is it that I am annoyed about? What is making me hum like a particularly annoyed bee? Well nothing n everything.  Actually nothing…

Been travelling for the past week, was in Delhi and became that kind of a boring corporate traveler who shrugs her shoulders at the luxuries all around and dismisses them as things that are non applicable to me.
Let me do a luxurious rewind of the week gone by … feel like writing today


For the record I hate working on weekends. I hate it, it’s the easiest way to get me to quit. Get me to work consistent weekends. I remember seething in college when there was a college play that I had to rehearse for and was made to be the grandmother.. never mind that story. The point being that weekends are more sacred that mount Kailash and is not a easily tradable commodity.

So it was with much disgust that I boarded the flight to Delhi, alighted and took a cruise to this place called Westin.  Ok, so for starters Westin is this fancy resort, you know the kind where they change your soaps even if you so much as have slit the plastic cover and then go on to advertise about saving water… hehee
As soon as I reached got jolted for two reasons..

One bumped into my former colleague and he was driving a swanky car, had got a whole I am such a big man look and was event managing the place.. think it hit me for 2 reasons, one it was someone from the glitzy event space where I just did not belong was not cool enough, off beat or may I say superficial enough to belong.. 

But seeing him made me wanna rise.. screw all the nonsense about being happy n content and be RICH! Drive a corolla and bitch.. Of course the fact that I had a women with me who was asking me to focus energy on what I want and chant for it reminded me that my not being there was my own doing did not make me any happier!.. hrrmpph..

They did not let me check in till 3 pm and so muttering under my breath I ordered the largest lunch ever! Spiteful me.. never ate the half of it but so what..

My roommate for those 4 days was one of those super intense women, who wanted to save energy all the time.  Electricity, lights, towels, soaps all were natural earth resources to be used with love and grace.

Night one

Spent the night conversing and sharing stories,  with someone new. Realized post all that talking that I really was not in the mood for deep reflections, or questioning the where am I headed, what was the impact that my world was creating. I was enjoying the stability and not that keen to rock the boat.. was keener to add more to the boat… to get some more wisdom to it instead.

So as we fell asleep the only thing I wanted to do, was to work and sleep. Be productive and not wasteful… so fed like queens we cuddled into our beds, post hot showers and the luxury of bath robes. Have no clue y but bath robes are decadence for me, like indulgence reaching new heights.

Day 1
Stuffed with the morning breakfast we stumbled our way to Session 1.  Speaker guided us through the realms of cases one after the other of companies who had innovated and succeeded. Was good and partly interesting and at times I wanted to be in the shoes of the guy leading all this global change. Was a heart lifting thing to note that there was a lot of oil based research being done and newer sources of fuel being harnessed.

This along with the Ekharth Tolle book, seems to indicate that we are in good hands there is a lot of stuff that is going to change and soon.. ello spirituality ;-)

Day 2-3 and 4 were all similar, food and sleep and half eyed opened siestas mingled into each other one after another… we laughed we spoke we wanted to do more …. We dreamt of change, I found a new house mate and gave up my escape route.. I changed some fundamentals of my life and some I did nothing with

Crux- Those 4 days were a lot about asking the more difficult questions about where you are, what are you working towards and where is your energy coming from… and my answers were from my gut, not now. Am ok now, am happy, am allright that it is not the final pit stop but for now it fulfills more than it leaves empty so for the now.. don’t ask me for deeper answers.. it’s a phase I like and enjoy, while I am aware that is is not the end,.., there is a long road to go through.

Night 4- Jacussi it baby

Get out of this Westin. They had started repeating the menu in any case and moved to the next venue. Galaxy Hotel – Gurgaon.

The room was amazing, 2 rooms in one. With 2 bathrooms,  one shower with the nozzles spraying you from head to toe and wonder of wonders a Jacuzzi..

Hmm this was going to be good.

So I turn the tap gleefully tapping my feet in the tub. Ugly brown water gushed out. Undeterred I let the water run out, and out, hoping the brown would eventually give up. It did not. 

Fuming, I had a multi level mutli head shower… There were lots of pretty tubes of shampoo n conditioners etc in vibrant colours on the ledge.  Loving this pampering side of the corporate world, I took one of the shelf and sqeezed it to death.

Nothing emerged.  Squinting at it, I shook and squeezed again. Nothing.

Oh lord it was one of those, remove the lid, remove the cap, remove the silver lining covering the cap, screw the cap and then squeeze. With water flowing at all levels, in all frequencies,  all over the space .. I squeezed my eyes and the tube. One after the other.  Showered and bath robed, .. I plonked onto the bed and flipped TV channels but the Jacuzzi  was there. Grinning at me in the distance

So off I went, waited there till the brown water became white.
Managed to find out how to plug in the water plunger
Got the tap open to full throttle.
Waited for the water level to rise.
Kept waiting,…. And waited some more. .. for the longest time the water level remained till the toes.. it did not rise not one inch.., wondered why.. wondered how it would rise.
Realized the plunger was not completely pulled in
Settled in again. Waited some more.
It took nearly 35 min for the water to get to the permissible limits .. post which I was allowed to switch on the Jacuzzi.
Then I lazily, gracefully pressed the on button.
Waiting for the water to roll around me,
surrendering to the luxuries of this life.

Nothing happened..
Pressed harder, nopes – zilch

Wiped my hands and with a dry hand pressed again. And again- nothing
Got up. Fiddled with the lights switch, the curtain trap, the volume control lever.. the plunger, the head the foot. Tapped all the way around the dam thing….. nothing happened.
After 45 minutes I was not going to give up! No way..

Sloshing water all over the perfect loo.. I found the cause of my woes.
The dam power switch was off.
Arrgghh.. took a dry towel. Flicked it on and sat back, pressing all the controls to the maximum

I was determined to enjoy this, come what may.
Lounging back, the water began to move
It moved like water boiling in a saucepan.
Enormous bubbles erupting over me

In my own head I looked like the cartoon characters, who were doomed to die in a boiling volcano.. other than the water being clear there was nothing relaxing about it.  I chastened myself, told myself that it was something that grew on you.. to sink into it.

I did just that, sank into it. Water shot up my nose, the bubbles erupting over me. Felt like some giant fart machine had been released.

I finally gave up. 50 min into trying and trying decided it was not my thing… sprang up from there and began the day.

There is more to write but for now I stop.
Let one blooper be enough. 

Monday, February 7, 2011

Starting the day

Am writing this from a swanky resort in Sohna, Haryana. Its one of those places that makes no sense for the most part.

You leave the Delhi airport and drive out in the direction of Gurgaon. There are the swanky new buildings, the glass facades and the malls. Then comes the smaller shops, giving away to the Gaonness of Gurgaon... the cycle wallas, the tyre shops and for some reason the multitude of band wallas

The car winds through them, showcases yummy vegetables- well the carrots looked heavenly and continues. the road becomes calmer, yellow flowers begin to be spotted once or twice, the frequency increases and suddenly u are there in the middle of rural india. there are the charpoys in the sun, the men lounging n playing cars, road side vendors selling fruits and the Shiv and Bhole dhabhas  .........

on this road, as one is slipping into a lullness thinking about the trees, the flowers and the greenery that is india comes a MASSIVE GATE.. welcome to $%$%^ Inn... a humengous place in the middle of nowhere. You enter to men in blazers and women in short skirts, there is abundance of everything. and everything costs a bomb

Somehow... as I sip on Rs 560 soup. I cant seem to savour it because the last thing i saw before i stepped into this artificial perfection, was the 8 year old boy, with his 13 goats and know that this somehow is not the smartest way to go about money.... now is it?

Enjoy the riches, then live your own life....

Friday, February 4, 2011

Believe and See

In Lewis Carroll’s famous masterpiece “Alice through the Looking Glass,” there is a dialogue between the main character and the Queen, who has just told something quite extraordinary.
- I can’t believe it – says Alice.
- Can’t believe it? – the Queen repeats with a sad look on her face. – Try again: take a deep breath, close your eyes, and believe.
Alice laughs:
- It’s no good trying. Only fools believe that impossible things can happen.
- I think what you need is a little training – answers the Queen. – When I was your age I would practice at least half an hour a day, right after breakfast, I tried very hard to imagine five or six unbelievable things that could cross my path, and today I see that most of the things I imagined have turned real, I even became a Queen because of that.

copying inspiration

Character of the week: Muhammad Ali

Ali by Annie Leibovitz
I am the greatest, I said that even before I knew I was.
At home I am a nice guy: but I don’t want the world to know. Humble people, I’ve found, don’t get very far.
The fight is won or lost far away from witnesses – behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights.
Friendship… is not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.
A man who views the world the same at fifty as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life.
Service to others is the rent you pay for your room here on earth.
I never thought of losing, but now that it’ s happened, the only thing is to do it right. That’s my obligation to all the people who believe in me. We all have to take defeats in life.
I’m so fast that last night I turned off the light switch in my hotel room and was in bed before the room was dark.
If they can make penicillin out of mouldy bread, they can sure make something out of you.
It isn’t the mountains ahead to climb that wear you out; it’s the pebble in your shoe.
It’s just a job. Grass grows, birds fly, waves pound the sand. I beat people up.
It’s the repetition of affirmations that leads to belief. And once that belief becomes a deep conviction, things begin to happen.
I hated every minute of training, but I said, “Don’t quit. Suffer now and live the rest of your life as a champion.”
Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee.

to Paulo, from Muhammad Ali

Y so much Guilt?

What is it about having sex that makes us think and over think it. Even as I type the first line I can see the rivers of controversies brewing internally

Isnt sex about intimacy? the purest form of giving and sharing me? isnt it sacred and something akin to divine? isnt it the one thing we cling to in relationships.... if he/she loved me she would not have strayed.. its becomes a test of our credibility and character.

But all the above holds true when one is in a relationship. Whether its a fair binding or not within a relationship is not what this post is about. Indulge me - by parking sex in marriages, live-ins and relationships aside for the moment. Lets focus our attention on the single, the semi attached, the maybe we dating but still too early, the getting over a break up stage, the just entering college and those who are just happier being unattached. 

Interestingly even here, there is not a gay joyus celebration of intimacy, of selfishly indulging your bodies and your carnal desires.... instead often even where there is a surge of physical desire, the mind and the heart comes in to make statements about 'how its not appropriate'. 'they cant let them selves be used', or worse the other is only here for sex and not for the person...

Sex then far from becoming about your own mode of celebration, becomes a bargaining tool. A GOLD MEDAL that both parties try to wrestle from the other. Mind You- I have nothing against flirting or good old dating, in fact I think both are ART forms .....!

What I dont seem to understand - is Self Whipping that is on. Where one does not simply allow yourself to ACCEPT that your bodily cravings, that there is nothing self defeating by celebrating that ... and how its not about putting yourself low.

So what am I saying.. all right everyone lets become the worlds best sluts ? or hey men- see you had it right all along?


all this is about is- delayering the multiple meanings that we have attached to the action of sex. Its giving your self a license to allow yourself to be and breathe... to flow once in a while and be spontaneous. to know that sometimes there are connections between people that may- not end in a relationship... but for that time its there and its real and its OK to want to explore that. It does not make you a flippant person.

If in that one moment. You are in a space of calmness coming from your insides and not manipulation for yourself of the other. ... then its shall be your gift to yourself. The other person a fellow traveller in his journey .. and the two of you co- passengers whose paths met for a bit.

Live a little. There is only that much time.

Thursday, February 3, 2011


Its that time of the month.. no u ass, the time to pay all the bills and call the customer care people and to add to the woes the Government is making life a living hell!!!!!!! Bonkers and more!!!!

Lets see the list of crap dealings

1. Citibank card- some person has been making me pay the same transaction for the past 6 months, dreading call centers i never called to check and now when i did, there was a 45 min call... repeat 45 minute call which included an issue being raised, my card is now blocked, there has been an address change, a new card is being issued and then i shall need a new ipin.... blah blah blah.......horrible!!!

2. my lazy landlord refused to encash the rent cheques.- so some random afternoon while i am happily planning a new vacation.. beep beep goes my phone and i am given the jhatka of my life that some obnoxious amounts have been debited from my account and my imagined plans go for a full toss

3. LPG - Its a bizzare nation when the gas connection gives u nightmares. The tech non savvy me took about a week to even acknowledge that what the entire nation has been raving n ranting about applies to me that i need to furnish gas details

I tried to be super organized, got the right papers, scanned them, opened the link and all that and it did not go... !!! they want a jpeg n not a pdf.. Fine,. so rescanned them and uploaded the jpegs and even then it refuses to scan! WTF!!!

So the better half of the day has been spent with mindless crap and its still not over which is what makes me super FRUSTRATED!!!

To add to my little green monster woes.. friends are moving to UK... but despite all these hassles that are a part of city there were some super moments of yesterday.

Like the morning walk, where Puppy Singh, jumped the gate of the park in his uber excitement to play with the dogs and in the evening where he tried desperately to shag the street dog by humping his head... hehee needless to state he did not get far.
Getting up and moving, getting into the health mode, eating right and exercising.. yada yada
and thats all.. a warm slow but content day. if only call centers and the government did not exist

On a closing note- silently cheering for the public of Egypt - hoping there is a speedy end to the protests and Mubarak shoots himself. Always get amazed at the swiftness of public uprisings and how they cant be traced, no one knows why then, and in that scale.. it just surprises everyone!

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

its all possible

Once upon a time, a not to little but very lost girl did not know what to do. Days had melted into weeks, weeks into months and aside from books read and some meals eaten there was no sense of joy or purpose. All that she touched seemed purposeless and dull.

Desperate for contentment, she decided to head off and spend a month in a yoga school seeking her self out. The bags were packed, a long train journey undertaken and she was off to commence the yogic experience. 

In the train itself she met an imp. The imp was travelling with a sketch pad and water colours, painting away portraits of her co passengers. Turned out she too was heading to the same place. heee hee and better still she too was not enthusiastic about heading to the ashram immediately. 

So off went the imp n the lost one, to Kovalam and discovered a connection between each other. Between laughter and random painters, the life stories were shared. Armed with the comforting presence of a friend the dreaded ashram gates were approached and stifled giggles exchanged as we the late comers were heralded into a room of foreigners singing and chanting... WTF!

Now I smile, its been five years and that special connection remains intense. Just recently a series of emails were exchanged between the imp, the lost one, the other travelers and explorers. Journeys of the last 5 years were shared in effortless emails....

There was so much that seemed to have happened, & nothing had changed. 

Some had traveled extensively- ferociously uprooted themselves and tried to plant themselves in other countries and schools. Some stayed where they were and moved away from the system, to live a life that reflected that which they believed in, some got sucked back into the system but with the window of questioning still open like an antenna knowing that there was something deeper

But no matter which route was taken, the mails coming in 5 years later all have a sense of change, of adventure of living beyond the safety of jobs and routine, of making mistakes and not knowing what next but throughout it all - there was one common thread. the one of acceptance and the one of knowing that it was all right..

In hindsight, for me I think this forms the core essence of my spirituality- the surety and belief that no matter what comes our way,- in the infinity of life it is whole and complete.