Wednesday, June 30, 2010

tata june

June was the best month ever when i was a kid. It was the SUMMER HOLIDAY MONTH!!!

which meant days and days of reading, holidays, cousins, games being played till 3 am and then sleeping in, going for a swim, shopping, boating and all sorts of fancy dinners and treats that were just too cumbersome to squeeze into the year otherwise. 

the best used to be the train journey, in those days sometimes it would be in trains that were not the rajdhanis as the tickets were never available, and the regular sleeper was the mode of transport. .... ooh the thrill of jumping off the platforms, and dashing to see what all the vendors were selling, rushing back to the seats and waiting with eyes wide open in horror and the train began moving and you did not see dad sitting next to you.... the smile of relief when he did appear all seem like yesterday.... bottom line June was a month dedicated to the simple business of BEING

The not having summer holidays when u are working was the biggest downer! took me ages to get accepting of the idea but even then, the little child feels cheated and sulks in a corner when there has been no travel worth noting in the month of June and wants the adult to just get a kick and say.... "dude come on.. its summer"

heheehee.. yea yea .. i know...

well for once am glad to say bye bye june. Was a topsy turvy slow month. But the confusion has lead to some clarity and new avenues. Am feeling alive and purposeful. July u will be GREAT.. i know ;-)

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

the mojo is back

Fever bye bye. Mellowness bye bye.All this n that and but n why bye bye. Fine I admit it that I am a control freak and also a mulberry tree freak who insists on analysis paralysis, too much thought and little action.

totally unrelated, but have u ever seen the chinese animal calender thing? the one where the year you are born determines the animal u r? well i am a rooster, and the one line that would always make me laugh was.. big thinker little doer!! haha how apt

well yesterday was action day and how. Room has been remodeled, the pending lists of things completed, a course exactly suited for my needs located and more than that a centering letting me flow with life and its ebb been found, instead of clutching on super duper tight. am sometimes like a lunatic micro managing things to the nth degree.. flow and enjoy the ride.. maybe a better thing to do!!!!

to that for the day.. simple joys and movement..

Monday, June 28, 2010

sickness reminder

Actue viral and flu was what the doctor pronounced, as he probbed my belly and back. Antibiotics were prescribed and I took to the bed, incapable of movement beyond tossing to the right and the left and then straight... in a sequence that made no sense.

Over dose of TV a few hours later, and nothing monumental occuring in the world, made me realize that there was some serious kick in the ass that i needed for me. This is what i ended up doing for myself............

post the mba fiasco, instead of figuring out a second plan of action, i leapt on the cloud called personal happiness and replaced my work station from the confines of my house to another place. Temporarily adjusting the surroundings, i candy flossed myself into believing that it was all o.k..

May came, the slugging work i ignored, with days of non buziness and some of hecticness, the wedding made me wonder where i stood in comparision to the other richer ppl there, who were just a year or two different from me, and June made me aware of the inner throb of stress/anxiety/drifting that i had been carrying on with for a long time. 

the fever bought it home....... I am ready to make a move to a larger organization. the task remains to find one that appeals to me and me to them, the connection needs to be located but the time to feel productive and useful for me is connected to this. its only when this is there that i enjoy leisure else leisure seems like a false waste of time!

on a unrelated note.a close pal got married yesterday, and another very close friend told me she is expecting ........................... think am getting to be glad for them. for sure there is a inner voice wanting the same for me, but it shall come when it does. amen

Thursday, June 24, 2010

thinking for 2

There is a freedom and a limitation that relationships come with

on one hand they liberate you. You are done seeking, testing, wondering, looking and evaluating every encounter that you have with the ever ticking mental chatter that asks ... him? possible? or the anticipation that precedes every social outing, with a maybe today i shall meet someone ... who knows. Its a hum that is there when we are single and though it does not rule every minute about our life, it does surface and makes you "eager" for lack of a better word

so when you finally find someone, the liberation to be still and delve into exploring what that holds is a luxury. From the water spider darting in mini circles, one can become the semi-paralyzed crocodile.. alert, awake but appearing inert to the rest of the world.

and once the euphoria has died down or at least begun to simmer... there are life questions that begin looming. Decisions that were made by you, without a second thought are now deliberated and weighed on a balance of 2 peoples life goals and expectations.

Tough it can be. Easy it can be.
Depends on the will and the character and the intensity with which certain things are desired
2 intense ppl; 2 intense dreams and both with the will to execute.... hmm the journey becomes that much more of a challenge

Find it fascinating, the interplay of emotions, finances, love, culture that interweave into deciding how life choices are made!... too preachy shall shutup


Yesterday was not a great day. Today shall be better. I am done bemoaning the hows and whys of what happened and instead want to focus on the now and the tomorrow. Much better attitude and idea i think than lame laments

Its interesting the sequence of people that i reach out to when it times of woe. those are the pillars that you have for that point of time and the remainder of friends exist, but are more peripheary to existence

A few interesting things did take place yesterday....

i)  i refound the calmness that comes with yoga and kriya, sitting on the roof top, with my eyes closed i hovered over the lake and slipped into the silence that is so quiet and ever present non questioning. I sat there and watched my breath and when ready to face the world i opened my eyes, i saw all the bats hovering in the sky as they left the trees for their nightly stroll 

the beauty and gorgeous interplay of all creatures convinced me that its ok.. life is ok... in the infinity of life all if whole and complete!

ii) mom returned from leh/ladhak and while she had a good time, she openly acknowledged that they were the safe travelers. Got a car, went to a spot took some pictures, ate the packed food of alloo parathas from the hotel and came back glowing with the emptiness of the leh landscape. She was surprised at the number of foreigners at the place and how each of them was seemingly so much more meshed into the terrain.. walking more, meeting more locals, going to more obscure locations etc etc ... 

havnt we seen that happen to ever so often.. the "hippies" as the explorers were refferred to while growing up somehow had a knack of getting to choose the prettiest spots, the quietest lakes and be there... of course not all were the peaceful kinds but there is something in the back- packer mentality that makes the world this huge play ground to work with.

Had a confrontation yesterday. The closing has to happen today. There is a knot in the belly. a Fear. - the fear is simply one of listening to someone say that i failed them. know it is more than likely to happen more than not in life, but makes me feel very sad... like i am loosing some part of me. Sigh!

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

drumming fingers

Am drumming fingers on the lap top and wondering what it is that i want to write about..

Well the round and round motions of the mind have gone into making me believe simple things that are lessons i wish i just got into my DNA

1.   Work will never ever be the one source of getting all joy

2.   Your happiness is related to making a decision and accepting it

3.   All the life buckets of joy - travel, personal, career and self shall never all be perfect. one shall be a high the other lower

4.   the moment when all the chinks shall fall into place shall come. You shall have to create it and it shall happen over time

5.   There is happiness on a daily level the quest is to find the balance between contentment and exploration

6.  Long bouts of no excercise is = feeling unhappy= resume a regular routine

Blondie mantras to life!

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

spread thin

I have been sitting on something and not been doing it for a long time; a feeling of inertia that i cant shake off. i need to do something different is also what i realize and seem to feel like a dog chasing its tail..

saw images of a girl .. someone i knew a long time back roaming and seeing venice. the traveler in me was morose in seconds and all i could say is i want.. no not to be in venice or in rome for 10 days but the life style that it implies.......... the constant permutation and combination that seems to be defining my life is leaving me so exhausted that i end up doing half of what i am capable of and this in the long term leaves me feeling more dead mentally than had i just done that what i needed to do

my house seems to bite; feel caged n trapped there .. a reflection of how i seem to be stuck in a cage of my own creation. the next option or the only option that seems to be opening up now is one that is so flimsy that it does not fill me with joy.. but with a vague sense of maybe being the stepping stone. .... some rational/pragmatisim but not inspirational.. this is making me deeply uneasy because i need to seek inspiration in what i do.........

someone told me today that i seem to be a contradiction. still floating and not really expressing that what i am.. what i am is .... is.. another topic itself. aware and lost together

on a whim decided to find out and begin the process of looking for international jobs ... But then am faced with a choice.. one that is being increasingly tough to make.

on one hand is the chance of being a drop out, dawning a half baked silly or maybe even a proper job in an NZ or an australia ... heck maybe bum it out as a yoga person there or try to enter the space as a consultant there and then get the EXPERIENCE or fail/ try/attempt whatever.. but make the move to move instead of talking about it

and on the other hand is this wise old man voice which is saying.... Enough! u have had the time to experiment. now is the time to consolidate, take stock of what u have acquired, give it some meaning some depth and bite into one thing than remain a floating protoplasm for the rest of your life.

this pragmatic voice has also got inter twined with the love and life and shared dreams and wants to be here, close by with the man to feel the warmth that has come after so long. Sitting on the fence. seems to have become a profession.......

am sounding whiny but am not coming from that space.
its more a dilema of trying to have a plan that balances the desire to explore and the stability of life
guess that this is a contradiction in itself

hmmmmmmmm hoping July is a saviour

Spoof it

yucky confrontations

I hate confrontations. I really really suck at being able to call a spade a spade because for me I fear that if I say something that is not nice, rude, blunt or too frank then the person shall hate me and my life shall be miserable because the person is not in love/like/equanimity with me anymore. 

This constant need to have the world be peaceful around me, makes it nearly impossible for me to raise my concerns and say things as they are. Resulting in not having the freaking balls to yell and tell people exactly what i think is not right or is right and hide behind convoluted conversations. 

Let me give you an example. 
  • Boss agrees to pay a sum X, then dithers and says mid way, maybe not the best idea so i dont want to pay u X, but I may be willing to pay you Y, then dithers again and says actually I dont want to pay you Y. My response to the above usually is  to hide in a corner and not have any answer one way or the other and have a gentle conversation about it.
  • or even worse, say if someone sends me a nasty email. - would not have a scathing reply but ignore it
  • The roommate and the cook have a fight monthly - i have had none.. ditto with the maid; have made a point and all that once in while but that is all and then backed off.. 
  • dad did something that i did not agree with. have not bought it up. dont think i shall also. 
  • running or hiding is better than a head on fight..... such is the lamness that is part of my DNA
Not the best strategy to adopt. takes longer to resolve issues, you end up getting pushed around and react very personally to feedback that may have been about an complete objective matter at hand. Bottom line- a confrontation, polite and diplomatic one, not necessarily rude and accusatory is a tool that is worthwhile keeping in the arsenal

hahahaa. as wise as i sound; know the natural instinct the  next time there is a situation that demands a confrontation i shall hide! loser!


Monday, June 21, 2010

Mr and Mrs Iyer

Sprawled out on the couch, was seeing this movie once again last night. It was set in 2001 and that is when it struck me that so much and so little had changed in the mean time…. As you know the man and the women are stuck in a remote part of west Bengal and have to stay there in a riot struck curfew zone till there is some break in the scene.
The changes in everyday life from now to then were so surreal to see
1.   the main actors did not have mobile phones and/or internet connectivity
2.   Rahul bose was a photographer and was shooting on film not on digital mode
3.    the near absence of cyber cafes.. in the entire zone
4.    Walkmans still being used to listen to music in the bus.

But something’s remained eternal to India .. the singing hindi film songs that somehow always seem to revolve around the RD Burman song era, the obsession for eating and playing cards. The mix of languages and lack of empathy for the other passengers are all what happened then and happen now. The asking the deepest most personal question without a qualm, sharing food that goes up and down the bus without even knowing the other person, conversations had in a tone that are louder than normal and embarrass the other.

But there is a sense of easy familiarity that comes with it. See it with M all the time; when we are out together; also because there is a certain ease that he carries about himself that permits people to just come and be around him effortlessly.. but there is a deep set desire to engage, share and know about you and where you are from and what you are about.

Yesterday, as we ate lunch at a local dhabha a little boy – must have been about 12 or so came up and was curious to see how the beer bottle had been opened minus and opener, so he came up to M and simply asked point blank.. show me! And he did. This for me is sometimes what india can be about.. a open directness that is just there. And yet at the same time, this round and round conversations that seem to layer every interaction that we may have. 

Monday Blues

Seems to be that I live 2 lives, much like Cinderella but on a weekly basis…. As in during the weekends I am the princess Cinderella, all happy alive swarming with possibilities, happy to be doing whatever it is that is being done. But come Monday, the clock seems to strike 12 and the realities of life are back to bite.

Its seems to be the last stretch, there is a new office in the horizon and the promise of colleagues. While that is a break from the lack of a routine, there is an inner restlessness that is coming in waves and cannot be ignored any longer.. Feel like a starving Shark, that has been swimming across oceans and nibbling on the offerings available but now wants a big fat MEAL!!! Akin to eating a baby seal or something

Ok shall stop writing trash. Am in a business mode and that by itself is fantastic. It shakes me up from the passive lethargy and makes me DO things as opposed to making long lists.

So working backwards this is the blue print for the next 2 months – approximately.....

Work wise
  • ·         June- complete the research piece. This week is the last week for it.
  • ·         July onwards – Start full time with Bhupi; see how much work and depth of work he has to offer; law firm approach; send out resumes, and see how I want to some consulting with man to happen.
  • ·         On the personal front – Ahoy Fitness.. P and I resume the gym and the yoga and that shall make me a happier person. Gives the day a structure and gets me back to a inner silence space that has been missing for ages.
  • ·         Save and get a camera lens, 1 photo workshop and the online German course to start as well
  • ·         And one holiday in July.

So bottom line start scouting for a break, give the new guy a honest effort and in the mean time keep the self learning happening. Maybe it is like the lady mentioned in the month of Janurary, this is the year of love and the career shall chug along as it shall without too much to show for it

Unrelated. I have 2 sheep who are parked below the house and insist on braying .. is that what sheep do through out the day!!!!!!! It is annoying the daylights out of me and have no idea what to do about it either.. Jesus Christ all mighty someone do something. 

Friday, June 18, 2010

Girlie day out

Yesterday the Girlie day out was perfection personified. Came home from a gorgeous drive to the airport, ate the idlis that are somehow soul food and arrived home with sincere desire to work. Except... i met L sitting on the couch with a book and a lit cigarette who moaned the fact that she did not seem to want to head to work and so ... we well sat

and spoke about.... hmmm surprise.. MEN!... there are such differences in upbringing that come to the surface from time to time that it makes me smile.. for example her parents permitted male visitors from a way younger age than mine would have dreamt of it and yet much is same the closeness to family, the ties those do not change that much at all .....

hmmm so report made and sent we drove the MONSTER CAR... to the Mall. There is something about a women driving a SUV- very sexy even if i say so myself. ... heheheee

Got in.... were surprised that mid day mid week tickets were as expensive as that and entered the hall to BLISS!! Recliner chairs, caramel pop corn and Sex and the City 2 .. Yes it is a shallow movie, very obvious, extremely american and all that but would die for three things

1.  To be as anorexic as Carrie Bradshaw
2   ability to walk with heels that size
3.  the walk in closet with those clothes tat actually fit

Anyway.. movie over, came home to make piping hot Khichdi, while L made delicious pumpkin soup.. what a combo till the domestic bliss of serenity was invaded by creatures that should never be seen... A HUGE FLYING COCKROACH === i realize i run the risk of sounding super stupid and Blonde - BUT

. i am relatively ok with cockroaches.. have one that comes and visits the kitchen - we have an agreement he does not come out in the morning and i dont kill him in the night.... so its all good. non violent peaceful co habitation and all that.

Dont like it when they decide to fly. Because then they can loop and soar and land on my head or arm or food or anywhere and i am resorted to bundling myself in a sheet and flinching at the slightest movement.. DEFINITELY not fun.

Seeing the devil.. i yelled and locked the room. L, the brave one corned the Flying thing and placed a bucket over it.. and that is where it stayed for the night.... while the soup and the meal were devoured to FIRE the movie.

Surprisingly had not seen it till now and really thought Deepa Mehta, had managed to invade the personal space of a regular indian delhi house and the subtle power play in a manner that was not contrived for a moment. The fact that FIRE raised a storm when it did...... was probably a reflection of how mismatched the women and man roles remain in the inner domains of huge portions of india..

Anyway.. house wife 2 is off to a good start.  Nailpolish is on the table and dinner menu ready to be printed!..hoping like hell this is just a phase!

Thursday, June 17, 2010


I am loving the sllllllllloooooooooow pace of my life these days. am almost like a house wife in how i am spending my time and i know that is an appalling thing to say but i am liking it.. lord someone spank me..

for instance yesterday was about working, cooking lunch, a short nap.... a quick dash to the RTO and then some more work and then dinner sitting on a bike in a dress with heated conversation about the role that parents played in choosing education.

on one side of the fence was british man, a result of the very uppity london education and knighted parents, who was sent to boarding school... think of Dead Poet Society kind of a school where conformity, seniority and unfirmority were valued above individuality, curiousity and rationality.

on the other hand was person from Europe, with the free thinkers parents who even believed in experimenting with home school and hence crafting solutions which were in tune with the nature of the child.

2 diff sets of parents, 2 diff educations, 2 diff kids and the same result. The essential free thinking nature of both the kids survived to date, despite, inspite or aided by the education system. Both had had to have conversations with their parents, expressing their unhappiness and the misery that they faced as teenagers for not fitting in and expressed a wish about how maybe a diff approach may have worked

Neither doubted that the parents did what they thought was the best, or that there was any iota of not wanting the best for their children... yet both wanted to do things differently for their own kids

Poor parents, am convinced that no matter whatever a parent may do, however conventional or liberated they may there is always something they could have done that should have been different, better or more sensitive.
Parenting is a blackjack table that you cant leave and the losses and the gains compete in equal force keeping you riveted till you die

To my parents. I know you did the best, may or maynot have worked but the heart was in the right place.. and that is all that matters now..

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

scratching head

Am sitting here scratching my head wondering what todays post shall be dedicated to. A part of me wants to write something relevant, larger than me and the little comfort world that i am calling my life; another part of me wants to reminiscence and dwell not on global worries but teeny tiny concerns that effect no one and are really not tangible.

Given how i feel shall go with the latter and not worry for the now about the moral deaths and honour killings in UP.

The family shocks are like the after shocks of the earthquake tumbling into mild waves and not more. Mom is adorable, she jumped into action time within 24 hours and decided to do the one thing that gives mothers refuge, she called the little astrologer fellow sitting in some corner of Bengal and gave him a stringent half hour deadline to come back with a gut based reading of what lay in store.

Well thankfully, the guy was gushing and enthusiastic and told mom to lay off and not interfere... hahhaa and she obliged.. think its adorably cute and semi retarded both at the same time.

There is such a duality about this entire concept. On one hand there is a belief in the world of tarots, the science of astrology and planetary positions, on the other there is the strong conviction about making what you want out of life and that shall happen as well. You create and are the SOLE person responsible for your TODAY and tomorrow.

The interplay between what then is written as destined to be and that what i created to be -- is a mesh of a line that cant be segregated.

Sri Sri Ravi Shankar in a talk once said. ----- Think of a cow tethered to a pole with a long rope. The circle that he can make with the length of the rope is the field of play that destiny permits him to make, but how far he explores the length of that circle is his free will. He may move only 4 feet and never extend this limit... or push it to the extreme length of the rope................only you never know the reason why he is moving, is he destined to move or did he will it.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

shocked tremors

For a Monday morning, yesterday was turbulent in a quiet way. Started the day with mother dear on the line wanting to know what was on in life, how was i doing, what was keeping me buzy etc etc.. the sweet mother updates.

Now here are a few facts about me; I soon turn 29 and being Indian and a female this is causing immense anxiety amongst the parents regarding the marriage. Like all Indian parents the astrologers have been contacted and smooth sayings extracted.

So dear mom is convinced (and secretly) so am I that there is a wedding looming up soon in the horizon. Which begs the question to be answered ... but to whom and when.. This then becomes the crux of all conversations my mother wants to have.. Darling have you found someone? Is there anyone that you like?

Twist in the tale is this.. Me being me is particularly unfit for an arranged marriage. Forget being finicky the term being the "bahu" and listening to others ridiculous notions, or being docile and saying "may i go out now:" are just plain impossible.. So either i find someone or my parents remain worried....

Balancing the 2 evils of telling her i have someone and shocking her or not telling her and leaving her suspended in mid air was an interesting tight rope walk. In the end after a few months of mature behaviour; Blondie became well a Blondie and she spilled the beans..
Mom went into a mode i best describe as the above..........followed by and spent the rest of the day walking like a little Penguin.. holding herself close together... ;-)

To her credit it is a lot for her to deal with, have not given her a lot to work with and she has managed to take it in her stride. So far one parent down and one sibling cajoled. A few relatives in the know how and the rest of the family shall get the trickle down effect...

Net result on me.. Dunno yet. was a lot quieter than usual yesterday and yet dont have a clear reason why that was it.. time shall tell what is to happen for now.. working is a great idea!

Monday, June 14, 2010


When is the last time that you planned a surprise for someone? Did something that they did not expect and watched with immense amusement as their faces lit up and eyes shined as they could not believe that this was actually happening...

On a spur, a casual conversation with a friend triggered off an idea and the weekend plan was set. Was dragging M to a surprise trip to a resort, a bachelors party that he thought he was not going to make it for and then a round on the super cool dirt track where the bikes permitted men to be boys

The joy of planning and seeing the boy eyes was worth it all.. ;-) ;-)

closed the weekend with a short dash to the art of living ashram. Being a sunday it was a Satsang day and Guruji's presence ensured the crowds where there in humengous numbers. As we walked through the enormity of devotion and worship that was in the air hit us. 

it made me question a few things. What does it take for a man to worship another man? when does respect end and following begin. I love the Kriya and truly believe that the AOL movement is doing wonders, i also believe that Guuji is a wise knowing soul, but call it ego or discretion something prevents me from bowing down and surrendering completely

yet i know, that when u find someone u think is ur guru. this reluctance dissolves in no time...... to getting that simple knowing sometime. ;-)

in my pajamas

Its monday morning ... no afternoon actually and am sitting in my Pajamas with an ever increasing list of things to do on the diary that I am finding tough to keep ticking off. But below all this is a feeling of non budging rich contentment that is warm and glowing

So here is explaining the silence over the past few days....was in a workshop that involved a software company after years making a connect with their customers to understand what is it that they needed and wanted .. this simple excercise of connecting with the outside world proved to be path breaking for them. Was interesting to see the way how team members play the safe game between wanting to grow and yet run when the allocation of responsibilities comes to them..

the interesting thing of all this was the desire to reinstall myself as one within the corporate world and see what comes as a result of it. Shall give myself till the end of the year for this to happen..... but with awareness of an escape plan when one plays the game the desire set is different all together

unrelated but interesting

There was a guy called Carl Jung, who said that there is an definitive personality set that people have. One of these attributes was how they make decisions and tell people about it..

So there is a "F" personality- someone who wants to ensure that there is harmony at all times and a "T" personality, who belives in getting on with it without mincing words.  A colleague of mine is a clear F and the other a clear T.

hahaaaa causing much amusement. Dinner at the hotel was crap, lady from hotel came and asked us how it was... and B said.. it was very nice, thank u very much. (he is the F, not wanting to ruffle feathers) and S the other personality simply said.. it sucked, it was a rehash of lunch am sure u guys can do better.

These simple ways of observing the differences in human personalities at various times makes the work i do very fascinating. To deepdive into this world and find a place that lets me do this is the desire. Amen to that happening.

Friday, June 11, 2010

meet j

The post has been removed for the now. till such time that it can be rewritten in a manner that expresses intent factually without personal examples needed.

Suffice to say, it is a thought based on Jhumpa Lahris book, where the thought that illegal immigrants while viewed as parasites globally, were running the wheels of global machinery.

this post is not accusatory but a reflection of some realities that are just unqueal ... and that is how life is!

where am i gng?

I am sitting in a workshop and the winds of flux seem to be fluttering again. Change is such a constant in my life that no-change for a week seems like a change. Hmmmmmmmm. that is not the best statement to make specially when the change is not necessarily fun in what it brings.

So here is the reason for the silence for the past few days. The work role is changing again, making me relived and yet anxious.

Need to sort out my own head so am going to do it here.......

1.  What do i want to do? 

dont know. largely what i know remains generic. (i) work with pscyometric based analysis to create tangible learnings, on an international scale. or even more macro would be to be part of a team, to actually create success stories of some change/movement/sale something attained.

2.  everyday things i want to do

    have a routine, colleagues and an environment which is charged and comprises people who like the work
    travel internationally for work - projects, conferences, etc for atleast a year or 2
    have a success story i can call mine from inside. stop floating
    earn more than 1,25,000/mnth
    have clear deliverables. responsibility and know the impact i am making.- clarity and ability to do the work having fun

3. Things i have with me

law degree, understanding of team dynamics, sharp mind to sort data to create learnings. Self confidence and ability to faff and connect with people.

opportunity to work and gain corporate innovation consulting experience and deliver real projects in a team where i can self empower myself
Cons- remain a small fish in a small pond and can merely act as a diving board. the trick is in placing the board over the correct swimming pool.

Added to these dilemas, is the desire to relocate outside india. to marry this year, to live a life where my freedom is not crucified and u are allowed to balance work and private life. Believe that internationally this is easier to get, and that my scattered- history makes it easier for me get someone to trust me with a high profile position here than not

the past 6 mnths have taught me that i am not routine hating and need to leave the house, get an office, and work better with people around.. so maybe it is best to relook at how best to leverage the corporate consulting approach to get the above, till have some depth to become an entrepreneur...........

am not gng into the revulsion i feel for cororates, shall let myself believe that this is limited to non travelling day jobs and not the actual job itself.

Deeper than all this is the belief that the Pundit said July shall be the month of change n prosperity; am just keeping my faith and not stressing abt it.........having a stable personal life makes riding the waves so much simpler!!!!!!.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

breathing easier

Started the day annoyed and ended up as peaceful. Good journey.

Woke up to not knowing what and where I was doing, was technically working for a lot of ppl had a lot of work to do but was not really adding value to anyone and least of all to myself. The prevalent feeling was one of not having achieved enough.

So yesterday.. clear conversations with the multiple bosses happened. And without anger or grievance management there was a resolution that seems to have emerged. How this shall pan out, I do now know

1.    The realization that the developmental world and me shall always have a passing flirtation and not a deep love. Meaning; the work that I am to do with P is on its last month. Feel more relief than fear of what next, because it lets me focus my energy on the area of 1 thing. the corporate consultancy that wide spanning everywhere

Deeper learning 1 and 2

  • working for 2 ppl never ever works; for one. and I do not have the patience requisite for the NGO pace of work. 
  • I am adamant about my financial targets. Not because I am greedy, but there is a lust to travel. need to earn well; in a high currency and this is a non negotiable as this is the only way left to travel....!!!!!!!!
2.  I need a systematic office to work with. Am getting one come July 1st and that is a great feeling to have colleagues, regular office hours and am prepping myself up for a bigger corporate job.

So the clear action plan that has emerged is this. After the 6 months of experimenting that defined this year, the next steps are

1. Deep dive into the Corporate strategic and innovation consulting - focus on one
2. use the flexible work life to learn and sharpen skills of - bike lessons, german, fitness and photography
3. Long term- get ready for a corporate job - international clients and cultural needs that shall give be (i) the travel lust i seek (ii) get me the nest egg- for the yoga studio and self development and (iii) provide a platform for moving out of India in the next year or so.
4. Before I take on this job, use the savings of this year to do a long trip... as a free backpacker

Whew!!!! Now that there is a semblance of a plan and a goal.. i get the one thing that i wanted . Clarity of what and where am i heading 

My mantra remains the same, to do consulting work using behavioural matrices for different entities, permitting me to travel and experience the world. The routes keep changing the goal remains...... the same- de-cluttering for the now has made making these choices a lot easier than not.... 

Blondie grows up. 

Monday, June 7, 2010

something is annoying me

Can feel it in my bones, there is crankiness and irritation that seems to be stepping in again. its a combination of things that is causing it.. (i) no clear routine (ii) no excercise and three (iii) not been the wild traveller in a long time

it is monday.... am already cranky., i need a trip its summer when everyone should get a month off kind of a trip. So the idea is to get up and do the three things that are going to make me happy

1. get a grip on work
2. get a grip on excercise
3. go out of town this weekend, alone or withsomeone it does not matter

just pick up u bags, get a bus ticket and get out.. it is as simple as that.


Saturday, June 5, 2010

moment of quiet

The blog has been getting more and more difficult to write in the past few days. Reason.- the one thing that is consuming me all the time, is something that I have decided to keep to me for the now and not write about.

As a result, every morning when i sit in front of this window. there is a hush, a pause and I wonder what is it in the past 24 hours that has captured my imagination enough for me to write about and make meaningful. and I smile. The images and memories that surface are the ones that I want to hold snuggled next to me and not discuss...

Enough of this melodrama, lets keep it simple. Let me just write about what happened yesterday..for starters started the day early a great move that lets so much more get done its shocking, realised that I am swamped with lots of little peices of work and then had a leisurely chat on the phone

Went to a clients office, a place that is trying hard to find a path to grow and solutions that keep everyone happy, i was happily getting them to think while not doing too much, boss came in and created a whole new solution that made everyones eyes google out.. love her and the structure she can get into situations.. 

yet the lessons of NGO world were the dedication and patience need to be coupled with risk taking. 

In the middle of all this M sent me a poem and i read it and re read it and then re read it some 500 times because it was the cutest darnest thing that i had ever read.. ;-) ;-) dropped a friend mid way, made a hurried plan to head to Bheemeshwari and ran to catch a play

Shabana Azmi and Alique Padmanese, a monologue and a hinglish creation. Had seen the hindi version which had me riveted. Dinner of stakes and shared jokes, late night wine and book discussions, with plans of vacations and togetherness being discussed... the days and nights are flowing like the flooded ganges, peaceful, strong with a promise of a larger occean to meet soon.

Friday, June 4, 2010

iddhar uddhar ki baat

Dressed in salwar kameez
the rain came with the breeze
drenched us all to the bone
even as strangers gave us chatris to ward off the cold

the dripping windsheild and the traffic jam
did nothing to dampen the evening plan
candles and dinner came together
as charades were player
hither thither

love and imagination
went hand in hand
to create moments- not made by a sane man

the after effects still abound
in lingering thoughts and fantazies
more of this is what i seek
hugging myself and holding it all close
cant believe its here, its real and its mine to hold

this is a shit poem,
complete crap
matters not, its a secret trap
to share something i cant share
and tell u these things, i would not dare
suffice to say .... somethings are best left unshared!

nonsense is fun

The past few days have been three worlds, that i live in.. one my work world, the other the house where i pretend i live and the actual world where i do live in......

the first world takes me everywhere, this one takes me to understanding industries, hotels and industries to plunging into the deeper recesses of the backward areas of bangalore. Where the things that i have had the luxury to take for granted for the longest time of my life are questioned..

funds for college, being able to say no to marriage, being entitled to education, speaking a language all of it... remember when i was on my first trek a long time back, must have been 15 years ago and I was walking admist hill villages and small shacks, where girls with ribbons in their hair were gawking at the city kids, walking as a sport and i remembered thinking...

The only difference between her life and mine, is the sheer chance of where we happened to be born, and that one thing has made everything change.............always made me wonder are your thoughts ours from the start of things or only a reflection of the people we have around us..

nature or nuturer... both make us who we are.. thats y cultural exchanges become such interesting activities to be a part of.. wonder how this post got so serious.. yikes help...

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Around the world

a long time ago i had mentioned a Mr. Cool Cucumber, a friend who had managed to slip off the cliff and head tumbling down into a black hole that had consumed his living realities.

In a week, he had lost his gf, his job, his ability to stay in India and the most favourite thing of all time.. ie his bike that had to be left here before he could move back to UK. This morning I got a mail from him that reeked of a new surge of hope and optimism.

He sent off an email to every friend that he knows about.. with an ambitious plan to take his bike across the world travel. to see the continents on a bike and raise sponsorships for this plan as well...... that plan may or may not fortify but once u have clarity of what and where u need to be a few years from now.... the immense pulling power of that plan is enough to let u sail through the immediate short term issues that come up in the middle of it all

Travellling is an experience that u hate and love at the same time. It tires you, humbles you and leaves u wondering what is happening ... yet at the same time it makes ur world expand so enormously that you are moved and changed in manners that you have no idea about till the deed is already done

The time for me to be a backpaper may be running out.. to travel unhindered. but the time to travel is never ever far away.

June - You are the month of discipline, fitness and work. Time to get money saved, and move out to travel, a weekend trip and planning  2 international trips this year. You can do it Blondie. u have the time, the dedication time to stand strong, stand tall take pride in yourself and your plans and execute each morsel of work coming ur way with immense precision. It is possible and is the only way to feel good about yourself.. actioning it all

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

freedom cant be assumed

The area is called Rajender Nagar, no not the Punjabi version that I am aware of but a little hamlet that I had zoomed by countless times on my way to work. a tiny left turn and an entirely new world was there to witness and be a part of. 

Rajender Nagar is not a slum, but lets say a more tucked away part of the city. The roads are littered with livestock, with the chicken moving un interrupted between dogs legs, the cats sneaking behind the alley as young girls sweep the courtyard and the kid goat is bleating to be untied from the leash she is on

The families here were a delight to interact with, warm and welcoming the kids giggled as we sat in drawing rooms that would give interior decorators a run for their money, TV's jostled with wahsing machines for space as the mothers spoke about their concerns and fears. 

Saw the prettiest girls, with inner reserve and free spirit that wanted to move out....but alas they could not. Because daddy dear was not keen on her stepping out of the house.. Daddy dear was not a monster, he despite having studied only a bit did actually have a desire to make her educated, bt the reality was that the area she stayed in was a breeding ground for young boys who had discarded their studies..

Gang men, little punks got kicks in the eve teasing, power struggles were about who could be more obnoxious. Results- The girls stayed home or were sent to the garment factory to trim and sew clothes for Rs 1800/month and then married off

Made me value the freedom that I enjoy much much more. The freedom to say no to not be subjected to parental authority, the power of being a women and still being able to make my choices , is so basic yet so untraceable as an every day reality that it makes u wonder if things have actually changed at all... 

Friends made it happen

27th and 29th May were spent by the family getting the cars ready to go and pick up friends of the groom, arriving at different times from across the globe. Hong Kong, Australia, America, Germany, Britain, people flew in from different places, sat on a plane for hours just to be in India for 3-4 days to attend the wedding.

For some this was the very first trip to India, for some the 3-4th, but for each there was a spirit of living it up, being as non obtrusive as possible and instead focusing only on ensuring that they had as good a time. All of them got into the Kurta Payamas, had turbans on their heads, the girls managed sarees better than I ever could have ... and danced with gay abandon

As the bus packed with them moved towards the wedding procession, I saw my brother relax. The presence of each of them was a validation of the fact that he was loved, that they were there. As we struggled to find some common songs that strung the group together, the booze and the atmosphere did the magic of stringing each one together.

Made me think, as much as i wanted to.. do i have the bandwith to fly to say Ivory Coast for a friends engagement for 4 days and come back.. I would love to.... but i dont have the depth right now. Got back the gory reminders about (i) the power of currency conversion and (ii) the traveller spirit........ all combined..

But how does this sound as a wedding.... and this is my last post on the matter..

A lovely open air place, by the sea maybe...... a set of friends and family u and he call home, a breeze a solemn ceremony... a lovely sit down dinner with toasts and speeches, photos and memories, live music and dancing, lots of drinks and food. everyone exhausted sitting around a fire and songs being strung on the guitar and when the night is cast and the sun peeps through u head out with the sun to start life anew....

Tuesday, June 1, 2010


Am sitting in M's house, and its starting to feel more and more like home. Cant get over the relief that I am feeling at being back and being here in Bangalore again.

I loved the wedding and looked forward to it for a long long time, there was an eager anticipation for it for months, and every conversation was basis that. Now its over and in my view the happier moments start now. The getting to know the new person, having them around, the sinking in of the enormity of what has happened etc.

The days immediately following the wedding are the strangest. For the first time I was in the car that took the bride home, and the conversation was simple. Not earth shattering emotive... that is what I think I cant seem to digest, in my head the whole wedding/marriage etc etc is one of the largest hugest things that r to happen to a person

and yet when it does make an appearance it throws u off by behaving like any other day. the rest of the world twirls as it was and the world spins on..

Not making much sense of this post am i.. shall try again a bit later think am going to narrow it down to smaller sections .. of the wedding that made me giddy with joy n apprehensive to the core. to smaller more focused posts. and making up for the lost days of not writing