Tuesday, June 22, 2010

spread thin

I have been sitting on something and not been doing it for a long time; a feeling of inertia that i cant shake off. i need to do something different is also what i realize and seem to feel like a dog chasing its tail..

saw images of a girl .. someone i knew a long time back roaming and seeing venice. the traveler in me was morose in seconds and all i could say is i want.. no not to be in venice or in rome for 10 days but the life style that it implies.......... the constant permutation and combination that seems to be defining my life is leaving me so exhausted that i end up doing half of what i am capable of and this in the long term leaves me feeling more dead mentally than had i just done that what i needed to do

my house seems to bite; feel caged n trapped there .. a reflection of how i seem to be stuck in a cage of my own creation. the next option or the only option that seems to be opening up now is one that is so flimsy that it does not fill me with joy.. but with a vague sense of maybe being the stepping stone. .... some rational/pragmatisim but not inspirational.. this is making me deeply uneasy because i need to seek inspiration in what i do.........

someone told me today that i seem to be a contradiction. still floating and not really expressing that what i am.. what i am is .... is.. another topic itself. aware and lost together

on a whim decided to find out and begin the process of looking for international jobs ... But then am faced with a choice.. one that is being increasingly tough to make.

on one hand is the chance of being a drop out, dawning a half baked silly or maybe even a proper job in an NZ or an australia ... heck maybe bum it out as a yoga person there or try to enter the space as a consultant there and then get the EXPERIENCE or fail/ try/attempt whatever.. but make the move to move instead of talking about it

and on the other hand is this wise old man voice which is saying.... Enough! u have had the time to experiment. now is the time to consolidate, take stock of what u have acquired, give it some meaning some depth and bite into one thing than remain a floating protoplasm for the rest of your life.

this pragmatic voice has also got inter twined with the love and life and shared dreams and wants to be here, close by with the man to feel the warmth that has come after so long. Sitting on the fence. seems to have become a profession.......

am sounding whiny but am not coming from that space.
its more a dilema of trying to have a plan that balances the desire to explore and the stability of life
guess that this is a contradiction in itself

hmmmmmmmm hoping July is a saviour