Sunday, February 21, 2010

exhausted

Its been a roller coaster weekend, the lightness of being seems illusive and yet so near. Yuck, hate sounding this soppy all the time.

Was a busy weekend, de-cluttered and removed excess stuff from the wardrobe. The cupboard broke and now have heaps and heaps of clothes in the room.. ;-( the night was then punctuated by a visit to the vet, dinner with an old friend and fireflies. Each comes with its own emotional whirlpool.

The cupboard cleaning was the only task left on my list of things to do this week. Its here, the freelance panic zone. The work is now dwindling, optimism getting a sheen of rust that I cant seem to scrape off, and new options becoming narrow. Result- am worried, with each meal I buy, the anxiety meter eggs itself a notch higher..........

That was work. Wobbly at best

 Then came dinner. Ms. Body Shop and i met after a terribly long time... yes the same ms body shop who is shifting to mumbai. Male monica was there for the dinner too.. and then came the big news. She was getting married, the date was set and she could not believe it herself. Am ashamed to type the next line, instead of the immediate reaction being jump up from the chair and whoop for joy... I was quiet, then capable of half hearted excited squeaks, before a wine toast was deemed appropriate.

Male Monica, caught on in seconds, and sent me a sms..... R u sad?

Am I? dont know if it is sadness or horribly evil case of "me too" sometimes feel that way even when the big family wedding is looming.,. Restrained excitement, a feeling so fake that I have no clue how to deal with it.

In both cases am genuinely happy for the other person. They are signing up for their marriages, that have lots of elements that I refuse to budge from. Hypocritical bitch i am becoming. Want the moon, not the spacesuit.

Nut Shell --- Love life in a wobble

MM and me is also making me very anxious. I weep for us. Its unfair, the situation, the circumstances, and the depth of emotion each side. Such love and such a wide gulf. Dont know what to do here, but clearly something needs to be done, else we shall each drag the other into an abyss, hurting everyone in the process.

Firflies was crap. Crowded, half hearted singers, and the entire city trying to cram an entire year of partying in 1 night. Yea well it does not work that way.

The sweetest thing however is that SMS- Stupid Machku Singh, the puppy dear did NOT DID NOT get adopted!!! We went to the adoption camp and she was the most hyper dog, biting the little kids fingers, wrestling with the leash, refusing to sit in the basket, and licking/biting/nibbling on the tinnier puppies noses.

Needless to say, biting the hand of the person, who may adopt you gets you only one place. Back Home ;-)

So that was that, the weekend is over
A empty week begins
to get the essays out to go to INSEAD- which suddenly seems like a good way to run. run like never before. run like there is nothing holding me back, and there is nothing holding me back

SHUT UP!! SOME ONE SLAP ME