Thursday, April 15, 2010

Resounding Slap

Its been 6 minutes, and the verdict is in. Its a NO.
Insead, the school yea the only school that i applied to has said no.

This was my exit plan, to leave the nation, be an international hippie, be rich
this was what the last 4 months were all about
this is what the next 40 years were to be about
this is what i am left with, a letter and a blank canvas to stare at.

now what, where, who, how?
to resume and restart, reapply and re work is outside my realm of doing

how then do i get where i want to be? to have the house with the turtles and the dog and the picket fences?
to work as an international consultant?
to leave and not be gravitationally pulled back sucked into it

the room, the house was a confinement that was bearable because next year i was in Europe
this uncertain life was bearable because it was the last few months of it
the house was semi unfurnished because i was leaving......
every single thing was centered around putting on my Spacemad shoes and leaving, flying off

they say following ur heart pays
they say being a nice person is all that matters
that living the moment is a good way to live

they never tell you how lonely it is
how tough to find acceptance, the explanations that you need
the perceptions that seem to be created around you, about you

they dont talk about the broke moments, of the countless times when u feel inadequate
of feeling that u stand at a perpetual cross road
weaving a web of faith and uncertainity
of doubt that lingers like a shadow
of frustration that seeps into ur bones
jealously that u cant seem to keep away

i dont know what next, what now
all i know is that i had a palace built
that i dont want to dismantle
the next route needs to be found

Fuck u universe.. Really fuck u!$#^$&%
Give me a break will u.. like really
the joke is freaking overdone