water crystals

A movie! In a yoga ashram, are you are not kidding us? All right then, bring it on. Bright smiles lit everyone’s faces; as coke was replaced with herbal water, pop corn with oranges and we all sat down to see the movie.

What the bleep do we know was what followed. Not quite a Meg Ryan flick, but was a movie like no other. Mixing Meta physics, quantum mechanics all told through the eyes of a deaf and dumb heroine whose life literally unravels to reveal the little beeping parts below… a must watch (http://www.whatthebleep.com/synopsis/)

There was one scene in the movie that was particularly fascinating. The main actress is about to catch the metro, and is on the platform.  She stops and is drawn to an exhibition. It’s an exhibition of water molecules that have been exposed to different thoughts and each of them have crystallized in a different manner.

Masaru Emoto, a Japanese author claims to have photographed, images of water droplets that are frozen and then photographed. This is what his research over several millions of water droplets frozen claim, “there is a connection between what we think, our thoughts and our body at a molecular level” 

To me it makes simple sense. Our bodies are 70% water, held in cells, of various tissues, muscles, blood vessels etc. We think from our mind, the mind is connected to the body, and to have a bodily reaction to our thoughts makes perfect sense. Some of his images, and findings were spell binding.

He found that simple things like prayers, words of gratitude, even taping a note saying thank you changed the shape of water. In the complete opposite end of the word, or classical music changed the crystal formation of the water droplet….

The images that these water crystals had were vivid and clear. The message simple, how we think impacts our very being.(http://www.spiritofmaat.com/archive/aug1/consciouswater.html)

But is so tough to be happy, carefree and light when things are out of thwack, there is no way you can tell the cells to say, hey guys listen up. This is rough, and we are going to make it. There shall be moments when we shall be low but please can that silly mutation thing you keep getting yourselves to do. It’s just a bleep allright, so stick to a basic shape and shall warn you when it is all over”

The worst part of “knowing” and “believing” all this is that you have to also then know that You are pretty much responsible for your life. Humbling thought that one. No one is left to blame then.

Water crystals. hrrmmpphh

Wonder what shape the cells are taking now.

exhausted

Its been a roller coaster weekend, the lightness of being seems illusive and yet so near. Yuck, hate sounding this soppy all the time.

Was a busy weekend, de-cluttered and removed excess stuff from the wardrobe. The cupboard broke and now have heaps and heaps of clothes in the room.. ;-( the night was then punctuated by a visit to the vet, dinner with an old friend and fireflies. Each comes with its own emotional whirlpool.

The cupboard cleaning was the only task left on my list of things to do this week. Its here, the freelance panic zone. The work is now dwindling, optimism getting a sheen of rust that I cant seem to scrape off, and new options becoming narrow. Result- am worried, with each meal I buy, the anxiety meter eggs itself a notch higher..........

That was work. Wobbly at best

 Then came dinner. Ms. Body Shop and i met after a terribly long time... yes the same ms body shop who is shifting to mumbai. Male monica was there for the dinner too.. and then came the big news. She was getting married, the date was set and she could not believe it herself. Am ashamed to type the next line, instead of the immediate reaction being jump up from the chair and whoop for joy... I was quiet, then capable of half hearted excited squeaks, before a wine toast was deemed appropriate.

Male Monica, caught on in seconds, and sent me a sms..... R u sad?

Am I? dont know if it is sadness or horribly evil case of "me too" sometimes feel that way even when the big family wedding is looming.,. Restrained excitement, a feeling so fake that I have no clue how to deal with it.

In both cases am genuinely happy for the other person. They are signing up for their marriages, that have lots of elements that I refuse to budge from. Hypocritical bitch i am becoming. Want the moon, not the spacesuit.

Nut Shell --- Love life in a wobble

MM and me is also making me very anxious. I weep for us. Its unfair, the situation, the circumstances, and the depth of emotion each side. Such love and such a wide gulf. Dont know what to do here, but clearly something needs to be done, else we shall each drag the other into an abyss, hurting everyone in the process.

Firflies was crap. Crowded, half hearted singers, and the entire city trying to cram an entire year of partying in 1 night. Yea well it does not work that way.

The sweetest thing however is that SMS- Stupid Machku Singh, the puppy dear did NOT DID NOT get adopted!!! We went to the adoption camp and she was the most hyper dog, biting the little kids fingers, wrestling with the leash, refusing to sit in the basket, and licking/biting/nibbling on the tinnier puppies noses.

Needless to say, biting the hand of the person, who may adopt you gets you only one place. Back Home ;-)

So that was that, the weekend is over
A empty week begins
to get the essays out to go to INSEAD- which suddenly seems like a good way to run. run like never before. run like there is nothing holding me back, and there is nothing holding me back

SHUT UP!! SOME ONE SLAP ME

de cluttering

I am the center of my universe.

Full STOP!


This may not be a full blown blog post. but that has been the realization of the day. That I am the center of my world. What i feel I feel. What I dont feel I dont feel. If I cry, i cry and if not then  not.

Life is in transition. some days are happy days, some days are not.
some days i dont want to meet anyone and some days where no company is enough
somedays where i want to flirt like a whore,and some days where i want to pray like the saint
i light a diya every day. and smoke a ciggie too
i say a mantra, every day, and swear almost daily too.
I care and am selfish
I love and am detached.
I feel trapped and liberated
I hate my life, and would not have it any other way
I love my life, and praise myself everyday
This is me
Simply happy at cleaning the cupboard
buying a photo frame
a vets visit and seeing images from never land
that is me.
homely gypsy

meltdown

Been quiet. Been an hour. Coldplay is in the background. GR on the bean bag. Yet silence prevails. In a room normally punctuated by shrill laughter. its quiet. warm quiet, but silent.

Been weeping. On and off through the day.

Ms. Bodyshop, my only historical friend is shifting to Mumbai. Her transfer came through yesterday, she goes in 10 days. Poooff.... just like that my friend, my neighbor, my college laughter bag, shall up and disappear. She needed to go, her boy friend is there, a better job ....promotion etc etc. It is the right thing to have happened.

She told me this morning, and I almost hung up.

Sent her one sms. Dont go ;-(

Throughout the day, each time I think of it my eyes well up. They are welling up right now.  Its not like we met everyday, but she is my rock., the one who holds my hand and understands, the one who gets more angry when others treat me badly than I do.. the one who lounges on sunday afternoons and trashes men, the one who comes and smiles for the camera, at HRC.. she is the one who demands i get her aam papad from delhi, makes cake and shares her home.

The one I went to when I broke up. Opened her doors for me and made sure she heard me cry, no matter how long.

The one who does not censure but cares. who carries her Mango bag, neatly matched with her Janpath shoes, and cooks Biryani with elan. The pink T shirt sleeper, the innocent eyes when she secretly asks me where Denmark is... the mad one, who poses with flowers in her hair on a hillside trip.

Happy she is, A women she is, strong and tender.....the one who u can call for handy tips on everything from diet bread to the sauciest lingerie. She is getting married too this year.... as well. It is possible for someone to be happy for someone at be utterly miserable at the same time? I dont know but that is how I feel.

My Blore world has been shrinking, Yet she was one of the pillars, resolute and strong.
Now there is left, one, just one
Reminds me of the song,
There were 10 green bottles, hanging on the wall.
one broke and then there were 9 green bottles hanging on the wall...
Seems like I am winning the race to be the last green bottle hanging on the wall
Not sure if this race, has a prize or a penalty at the end..........

Time shall tell.  Time the ultimate mystery

I feel fevicoled to this room. this house. Trapped and closed.
I feel unsure and confident
grounded and flightless
yet, optimistic of the change around the corner
hope am on the right road

But for now all I know is that I am saying, please dont go. I need you here. need you get angry and cry when I do silly things, to have dinner with me, to tell me about ur tales. Dont go............

I did it, one more 1st

I did I did I did I did

I taught a yoga class! I did

I did it. After 3.5 years of stating, thinking and talking about it, I finally managed to up myself and take a class. And that too a tough yoga class, where the person being taught was someone whose limbs were weak from multiple surgeries. Meaning, that half the asanas that I would have wanted him to do, I could not manage. But I did it.

Time for self praise and a pat on the back! Well done, it is a new beginning that shall take me one day to operating creating a place where it is all done.  From the physical to the mental, asanas, to meditation and maybe levitation, get everything to happen over one roof!!

And the person I was being supervised by said that I looked like Deepika Padukone.. hehee ;-) now that is funny but makes me want to get super reed thin now and super fast as well. … listening to karthik calling karthik calling as I type this.

Feel  a sense of competition with my roommate already. On the weight loss game

Shall write a more inspired blog soon! For now this trivia is what I got

walk

had forgotten how pleasurable a simple walk in  the park can be. Met Mr. Post It today, after almost 3 months. Mr. Post it and me met completely by chance at a coffee shop, where he was exhibiting his latest design, a 4 feet tall and large montage on the coffee shop wall and I was freaking out totally over a cover letter to be written to Accenture. 

A few chance meetings here and there, random conversations and a eccentric kind of friendship was made. 

Today for a change we walked. Ambled down alleys below the canopy of trees. Shared stories and laughed. He is off or possibly off for a on road trip between London and Mongolia. 6 weeks, 1 car, 4 people, countless visas and an experience. If there is one dream that I am not giving up on it is the idea to do such a free wheeling trip, sponsored by someone somewhere, with an end result in mind, a cross nation travel for the sake of travelling trip.

But walking again with a friend, was something i did after so long. Missed Jungle 82, he and I used to swing in the park where they dont permit you to enter unless you are below 5. Well tried to squat and crawl to the swings but it did not seem to do the trick!!!!! 

Mr. Post It is also a chick magnet, in a 3 hour walk, he bumped into someone he knew at the frequency of one women per half hour, and all interesting ones too.. For a unassuming quiet sort of man that is quite an achievement

Also had my first real freelance kind of a day. Started with a yoga class, to this rich rich man with the picture perfect house, but characterlessly empty. Followed by a fun brain storming session for all sorts of finance based stuff,. and ended with a long walk...

to prepare for the class tomm and sleep. The dog has gone mad, has been banished from the house, for the 3 night in a row. Wonder if I can do the same with my kids!

home

Am restless, bored, agitated, disgusted, stressed and hopelessly deflated. In all this am also lazy.

Tomm am going to teach yoga to a stroke patient, lord help the man.
Am going to brainstorm on a course for MBA students, lord help them
interia driven, taxed, anxious me read a lot while I plotted my future
Home, by Manju Kapur

Am so ready to fall off a cliff and die.

In addition, 2 friends broke up, 2 friends resumed their status of not being in a relationship but being together, 2 friends married fought on valentines day, roomate went back to high end flirting minus emotional atyachar, princess D letters, god bless her soul how many did she write were revelaed and I got one more postcard from New Zealand

Mission 3
To get as many postcards from as many countries, starting now!

Committed

The new book by Elizabeth Gilbert, is more than worth the wait. The author of Eat, Pray and Love, I read her books I somehow get an intuitive connection of  her fears, her apprehensions, the dilema's and paradoxes she faces.

Eat, Pray and Love, ended with her sitting on the terrace in a small but well done cottage in Bali, where she and new lover, a Bazilan man residing in Bali for several years were rediscovering the art of permitting some one to enter the privately guarded world of intimacy.

Commitment, her new book starts 2 years later. Brazillian man, and her have been dating for over 2 years and have decided to make America home. They arrive, only for the man to be deported, unravelling a legal mess of immigration and papers that makes it NECESSARY for her to MARRY! Something that neither of them wanted to do for several reasons.

This is where the book gets interesting. She is so apprehensive of the looming legal wedding that she spends an entire year researching the notion of it on an emotive level. interviewing, reading, delving into the history of the institution the works.. but here are few of the parts that resonated best for me:

Liked her take on marriage, that the need for it to exist in the first place was for the state to be able to have some semblance of control over abandoned kids and property. for the remainder it was a intensely private act whose rules of existence are intensely private, only for the 2 ppl that it belongs to.

For me marriage, is simple. it is not about getting the house, or the car. It is for each person to inspire the other to do things or be the best that they can. To accept the flaws the other comes with. To be a travel or an experience junkie.

Liked the lines she used.

that while she loved her boyfriend deeply she had vowed never to marry. never to blend finances, assets, to avoid the nightmare that a potential re-division of wealth gotten together needs.

Cant seem to find the exact lines that melted my heart, but the crux was. Marriage is a strange deed to enter into. To willingly permit the state to have a say in my decision to walk away from living with someone is surreal. The manner of interference that this institute faces is immense. A spouse, is the loudest choice that you make in your life, its a DECELERATION- to the world to say that is what i choose.

Hmmm, I stand on the crossroad, where I have been muttering to myself the desire to marry. Usually, stop the reflection at that. Probing deeper into the why do I want that comes up with surprising answers.

The bitchiest of them being that I am bored. My life is currently scattered and resembles a mapless hitchhiker devoid of a destination. Am sort of supplanting the Goal with marriage.

At another level, am literally thinking of the man as the "man in shining armor" someone who may come, swoop down and vala am transported to another land. Shld realize that Wizard of Oz was a book.

Or the best answer, that i want kids. hehehe what a lie. As in I do want them, but within 15 minuted of playing with the pup. am ready to send her off to the guards below. So maternal spirit can take a walk.

What then is the compelling rush in my head to tie the knot? Why such intense desire.? Why this sadness when i hear of another friend getting married? Not that i want the person that they are with? What is this quest to be with someone?

Dont have the answers. But the closest bet that I can guess, is that there is a craving for intimacy. Not sex. but intimacy, building a shared tomm, sitting and talking on the bed, lounging together with books, shared moments, stories and fears. A naked kind of trust, that is not fleeting. If this comes with the baggage of marriage, or comes walking in through the door with no label.

the branding for this one does not matter

Purrrrrrfect

I am going to call this the perfect day, valentine being irrelevant to the larger scheme of things. It is ending with me nibbling on a blue berry cheese cake, curling into a bean bag, with the just released book from my favourite author of all time, and have 6 more books to munch on.

Woke up to SMS and her yawny smiles at a lovely 9.30, mush music on MTV, watermelon juice, hot showers, breakfast in bed and a mid morning date with the Khan, Karan and Kajol combination. There shall be several other blogs, praising or blaming them for the movie that they made. But for me it was a tale that was simple and reasonably told. Was not weeping, and am a weeper, so guess could have been made warmer. but it was a movie that did not begin with a K, had no elaborate sets, punjabi doses, preachy emotional sit down and talk heart to hearts, lots of everyday moments to tell a tale, rather than preachy speeches, and did a much better job than New York!! the John Abharhim movie.

But with due aplogies to NK, the Times of India movie critic, what is was not is a patch on Forest Gump.. not even close. But SRK manages to do alternate things with his face, that make u go awww..and Kajol is mesmerizing, with and without eye makeup. Her exuberance does u in.

Saw Valentine Day, as well the night before. Total Chic-let, that i still manage to smile at.. so seeing Julia Roberts in a short role with her smile made it come true. heehe sound like a lesbian here now dont i?

Then came the favourite part of the day, went book shopping, bought 7 new books. and the to die for book that i am reading right now. shall blog extracts from it tomm, when i have had the luxury of sinking into it a bit more, browsed, smelled and bought lots of new authors, love books.. began reading there only. what a good trade for the gmat books me says

followed by a lazy lunch at 5, vodka thrown in, a almond mocha cake, drive home

and the prettiest white chrysanthamus, with the delicate blue ting at the end of the petals. so sublte n pretty, coffee, snuggling in with the book, conversations and reading aloud to male monica, while we attempt to roll out dosas.... that is what the day was.

the best part ... all this was spontaneous, unplanned and just happened. to some connections and days being that.

Puuurrrfect ;-)

NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW

NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW NOW. I want all this and more right now! cant wait any more. Sitting and seeing Iktara video and now i know that i am going to have all this in 2010. how? dunno, dont care

• To live in Istanbul and holiday in greece, see new mexico and picnic in new zealand, drive down africa.
• marry someone like the character of brosnan in thomas crown affair
• fly a plane
• smash plates
• look the glam doll, while walking through a swimming pool, and lounge there
• sit on the deck of a ship, stare at the stars with someone special by my side
• do the flamenco and salsa
• laugh laugh and laugh
• have a baby
• do one day of shooting sepia shots
• be giggly school girlish again
• fall in love and marry 
• study, look like a geek while i scratch my head as i am fascinated by the Jung theory
• late night coffee on the roof
• friends pranks and nonsense
• bike ride at 150km 
• seduction and being seduced
• be up all night dancing on the beach
• Meet ppl in mumbai. now now now
• a wonderful March, the application is going to go off superbly, off my chest the relief is going to be huge and I am going to give myself the best  month ever. SriLanka, Gymming, 1 trek, the new lens, couch surfing, starting yoga classes, the body getting hotter, the new office and closing deals all over the place. Loooooove and friends, heading to Mumbai all shall be happening in this Month. The turnaround month is here.
• April- Getting the confirmation letter!!! Ye Ye, It shall be " we are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted to the Jan 2011 session of Insead" ;-) the passport to leave shall arrive ;-) and that too at a time, when the work I do is immense, and loving it. A week has a mix of everything, travelling, research, writing, meetings, contract making, a intense yoga session, my first pottery vase, a mad dash of a trip with friends, getting into the best clothes ever, the photo experiments with the new lens. I enfuse energy and love! the wedding shall be nearer

• I have all this and more, travel, national and international, fitness, lots of new friends, love and a relationship, a gang of friends, fulfilling work, creative expression, new furniture, new house, a mad feeling of euphoria. heady concoction of silliness, madness meeting Delicious Boy now.... meeting Jungle 82, being wafer thin... let all these things be a forgone conclusion now now now

Sadhguru

Sadhguru, hmmm am at a loss of words when it comes to describing what and who he is and what he means to me. 

Am a spiritual junkie, name it and have done it, tired it. Done Reiki, Art of Living, Pranic healing, EFT, Kaya Kalpa Yoga, Hatha Yoga from two different schools, the Kriya Yoga as espoused by Yogananda and the list shall hopefully carry on, but from all these experiments what remains with me is what I learnt from this man.

Am a believer, of the world of energy, of the limitless universe, of sidhas and saints, that there are realized souls. That the world that we live in is a superficial one, an interesting one but there is a far deeper land that awaits us, and it is totally upto us to reach into it or skip it as a  result of calling all this hocus pocus, religious crap or choosing to be an atheist or the host of other labels that you may choose to ascribe to be scientific n rational.

All I know is that when I close my eyes, breathe as prescribed, something happens. I slow down, the edge of tension that seems to shadow me daily, slips off like water and am left calmer. Everything seems all right, the world seems all right, its larger, subtler and quieter. This is yoga for me, this sense of calmness is what remains and the emptiness seeps out. 

Wish I was a better more disciplined practitioner than a talker. But the time for that shall come, in this lifetime, yoga will continue to play a critical role in my life. The gut says so.

Isha foundation is his center(http://www.ishafoundation.org/).  A regular lad, he was a rebel drove a motorbike, studied married did all the stuff that we all do. Yet in his eyes he always saw a reflection of some hills and assumed that is how everyone saw the world. Hilly. Till one day, he saw the Vellagiri hills that’s when he knew. The term “sadhguru” means the one who knows or gets realized without the painstaking process of reading all the texts. His knowledge from the past lives, where he was a disciple of a saint came to him, and he then knew that the reason he had come to earth was to consecrate the DhyanaLingam. (to read more seehttp://www.dhyanalinga.org/ )

That is the theory, pointless unless there is a personal experience. Went to the isha ashram last year, he was conducted a Satsang. 2000 people from as far as Lebanon, were there to hear him, to be in his presence. The cynic in me was sort of rolling my eyes at the “be in his presence” bit, but liking the overall feel of the place I went.

What happened next, there is no logical explanation for, everyone was fed, roomed and given the best facilities free of cost. We all flied into the large garden waiting for him to commence his discourse. He arrived to the sound of music, everyone was still and quiet, he whispered into the mike, just blew into it…..and…….pop went some people. He said Om, pop went someothers, people were yelling, hooping, flinging themselves, were senseless, their energies not within their control. 

It is not something that makes sense when you read it. The best explanation is that their kunadlini (see http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kundalini) was rising, heightened and hastened by his presence,  and they were living the brief minutes of ecstasy when nothing else matters.

The noises that they made, were uncannily similar to the ones people make during an orgasm. Tantric sadhus believe that sexual intercourse is the easiest available source for humans to get a mere glimpse of what nirvana/bliss/dhayana is about. When the self dissolves and all you can think of is nothing can only be.

I sat there, eyes closed, heard and sensed everyones whistle singing. Gender, class, race, education were not any bar to who went into a trance and who did not. I did not, but at that point of time all I wanted was to be able to yell and loop without being aware that is what I was doing. Wanted my brain to permit me to loose control, wanted the soul to be in the driving seat….. someday the ego shall not be so edgy.

Yesterday, was Mahashivratri. They say if you stay up this night, and say shiva’s name even by mistake, that which is not possible for you shall become possible. Went to the isha gathering, surrounded by hundreds we meditated on the name of Shiva, we heard the thunder of Sanskrit chants to the beat of drums, and I glimpsed a truth larger than me.

In life, whenever am low. I pull out my yoga mat, sit and breathe there. Have been doing this for 4 yrs. This simple act, lets me release my doubts and know that in the infinity of life, all is well, everything is whole and complete and this moment is perfect as is.

Acceptance and surrender, the jewels I wish I wore more often. 

Dream Date

Date Game

I have never ever gotten a chance to play this game, but have been wanting to for FOUR years. That is a long time if there ever was one.

So what is this game? Hmm it is something that I conjured up on the way to Nanda Devi four years ago. Contrary to the name, it is a game to be played by 2 people who are in a relationship. The idea: to have harmless fun and add on the memory bank.

Rules of the Game

One of the partners, has to plan and prepare a 12 hour date for the other person. It must be experiential, and last from morning to the night.  You cannot exceed a net budget of Rs 3000 for both people.  CAVEAT- You can exploit any connections that you have to make the experience more fun. The date is then rated; on a pre-developed scoring card. To make it fun, you can change the scoring card to what the hell you want each time.

Give it 2 months, 6 dates and then the person with the highest score gets to be the Supreme Lord and Master. Gets to get the other person to do anything they want, sexual favours, meet the parents,  buy them something .. you get the drift.

The cutest thing about the game is conjuring up what to do with the person. Was seeing the silly show “DARE TO DATE” and scoffed at the lame things they did. But hang on.. what the hell would I want to plan.. am clueless. So VALENTINED over by the media, at least in imagination are my dream dates ;-) 

Little things that I have always wanted to do:

Ø  I kidnap the man, this is a tough one to do in the budget but can be pulled off. Have spoken to his boss, got the long weekend set, and convince him that I need to be dropped, get him to the airport and wala, we are in another place, somewhere never been, all arranged, the cottage booked and a surprise vacation is set, just like that without him knowing any better.

Ø  This is the dream proposal setting, one of the bluest sea and beaches, where we have dinner on the beach. As we walk along the shore, I come across a strange spectacle. A huge circle of candles on the sand. Gently lit, a short walk from the room, 2 drinks and 1 rug  between the circle, music and us. The night and the sand. (Hope to be wafer thin and carriable to the room by then)

Ø  The date where the man has one rule, he has to remain in bed all day. That is the date, without letting either partner get bored, to come up with imaginative, kinky or non kinky things that are to be done. Everything is permitted, no one activity can be repeated. Choose from seduction, massages, reading to each other, talking, playing monopoly, debating what to order in, long showers, movie marathon… do things but remain confined to the bed

Ø  Always wanted to do this, get a whole bunch of PAINTS. Reds, Yellows, Orange, bright loud colours, sponges, brushes, and overalls. The mission to paint and entire wall.. loud music, grooving and just do whatever catches your fancy. The secret ending to this, is body painting. Blindfold the person, and u paint on the persons back. One tiny stroke at a time, and make them guess what has been painted. 

Ø  Photo day. Dedicate one of the days to do, the photo shoot, u know the kind that u saw in Rockon. Make funny faces, take each other snaps, close ups, sepia tones. In the house, here n there, take the car and drive out, shoot fingers toes, kisses, fall into lakes and shots of everything that you can think of.

Ø  Break the RULE DATE- MOST FUN DATE!!!!!

You think and list out all the silly rules tat you have made for yourself. And break each of them. Each person lists a set of challenges that the other person never ever ever shall do. Yell in a theater, eat from someone elses plate, stand on the bar at hard rock café, sing a karaoke song, whatever that the other person hates you can get them to do, get a haircut that is so not u, A set of challenges where the stakes get higher and there are 24 hours to complete them all ;-) Do this u get - To try this in ........

Ø  Cook a meal, with a difference-  Imaginative and sensual cooking is done, where something new is tried, then u shoo the person in the other room and get the setting set, the dinner is laid out, the aroma set, the meal eaten, and u dance, slow dance, seduce without touch, and end with a prolonged massage

UFFFFFF!!!

This is not what I am to be thinking of when there is no romance in life!! But the idea of being silly and actually planning creative things to do make the entire experience so much more fun. They no matter, how stupid add on to the memory bank so effortlessly…… and half the fun is planning the entire date, the anticipation of the persons face, the surprise, the week flies by in waiting for the next idea to pop that u know shall get u the biggest bowl of brownie points.

Blonde episode 2

Got an almost challan today.  BLONDE MOMENT OF THE DAY

As usual was lost in someother world, was driving on auto pilot, forgot to see the little flashing red lights, that the world must adhere too, was cruising at a happy pace, tapping fingers on the steering wheel, in my flashy red car, wearing a flashing pink chunni, when the daydream is broken  by the cars in the opposite direction coming STREAMING AT ME!!!

HAALLLLP! I yelled, braked and for sure caught the attention of the Cops. The bechari act, did not match the costume, the cash less wallet did not see any sympathy either, and was sent marching to the closest ATM to withdraw funds.

Remember how my dear bank around the corner, was driving my mind to go to extreme corners of anger, yea well the ATM pin they sent me seems not to like the CARD they sent me. So now the card and the pin, refuse to have anything to do with each other.  Of course, the cop was not going to believe any of that, and would have Blackberried my license to oblivion ;-(

Thankfully, ATM card 2 had some miniscule amount of money in it that saved the day. Marched back to the car, with the forehead creased against the sun, where the neighborhood cop was waiting to do his thing.

In halting English he explained to me that if he was to press the green button my license would have strike one against it. Strike 2 and 3 and I could say bye bye to license across India. I continued to crease my forehead and look spastic. He stopped talking and asked me if I understood.

I did the ONE THING I have learnt in South India, the head nod, in all directions that the neck could rotate. The morning yoga has left it nice and loose in any case. He paused, and repeated halting explanation of the horrors that foretold my license. Same nod…. With puppy face look. And sweetly interspaced lines saying “Kannada illa”. ;-)

He patted me on the head, by now he was sure I was a retard. Told me that dangerous driving, is well dangerous, that he shall not cyber stunt my license and I shall go. That’s when the spastic me, came to life, decided to try my luck and actually asked if he wanted to refund me a 100 bucks! Since was ATM stuck and cash less now….. that’s  when he did the South Indian nod to me, only I had the wisdom not to pat him on the head ……….

Rs 600 lighter, one car insurance paper missing and an afternoon adventure complete. Yea well the day is not that bad after all.

Bonus Post!

Random Observations of the day

•  Women do not eat alone at restaurants, if they do men look at them strange. Men eating alone, ignore
• Formal pants and floaters is never cool and shall never be cool. Get shoes dam it
• Belly or not, tuck your shirt, else u look like a politicians pimp.
•  Wearing sunglasses while talking to someone at the lunch table is not ok. Unless of course, u are sitting in Greece, are wearing aviators, look yummy overall and the sun happens to be dancing over the sea, then it’s another matter ;-)
• Average Indians, love to do 3 bodily acts (i) chomp on food with mouth semi/full open (ii) dig nose, fart and scratch their genitals (iii) be open and honest in how they stare at you. Open feedback on the roads always.
•   The lift guy had a better cellular than mine. A 10,000 rs Samsung, and all he does is presses buttons on the lift! WTF? My degrees were a waste of my life

CHANGE - the ultimate bitch

Change is such a bitch, you crave for it and when it comes knocking on the door you metamorphise into the best ostrich that you can imagine and wish it would leave you in peace. Change is unsettling, nerve racking, enthusing, scary as hell, makes you wonder if you are capable, confident or is this a big mistake.

Each time you stand on the cross road there are 2 choices to make, one to stick to the comfort zone, where suddenly with change knocking on the door, you realise that you are in fact allright, all the stuff that you have been bitching about is just so tolerable that you wonder why you hated it at all.

Ha haa haa life is so ironical, wrote the above two paras in the afternoon and now at 11.40 in the night am faced with choices, each with uncertain outcomes. But unlike everyone else, there is no comfort zone that currently exists for me, so a leap in any direction is just that a Leap of faith………

Awesomeness to Newness

This was the corny phrase, Jungle 82 ( my travel buddy currently languishing in some Ivorian country in wild Africa) had on his cake, right before he left everything that he considered home to leap into AFRICA.  A place that he knew little about, except that a girl sent him a mail ending with XXXX, his introduction to kisses in email. Being a good Kannadiga boy, getting kisses from someone overseas in a mail, was fascinating and he lunged at the chance of leaving…

Nah am kidding. As much as he was craving a change, wanted to experience a new thing, he was scared, butterflies hatched eggs in his belly and the larve consumed his dreams. Infact we fought a lot before he left, guess we just had no clue what letting go was about.

Gorgeous boytoy of mine, my roommate, MR. Delicious in a small package, was the one who first embraced change.  Left his OHLALA, high flying corporate job, that let him get away with a TWANG, worse that a home grown britishers, to live in the Mumbai chawls and do 2 years of teach for india. His change I SALUTE!!!!!!!!

It was not only about changing a career, or trying out something new, he literally changed the inner fabric of himself. Of what he held dear  hmmmmm sounds too hallmarkish don’t i?

Ok let me try n create a visual. Mr. Delicious is…. this..

Crisp white linen shirt, formal khakhi Armani pants, bodyshop lemon scented bodybutter, dash of bodyshop lip balm. The berry flavor does it for him, black shoes, a gigantic pair of sunglasses, the frantically lit classic milds, smoked while talking in a super animated manner with the hands carelessly flinging the hair back and the accent making the listener, scrabble for an autograph!

This man, is now not drinking, doing yoga in the morning, teaching little kiddies the value of dreaming , of believing in themselves, getting Sachin Tendulkar and Rahul Bose to meet his class.. and being a daily Santa to the kids.

He howled and wept the day he got through Teach For India. That is how scary change is. It alters your life.

Was talking to Male Monica, this morning and realized that I am sitting on the edge of what I always wanted to be. Wanted to be a freelancer, free of time constraints, no leave policy, free to head to a meditational retreat without explaining in depth to a fat paunchy corporatey boss, the value of saying OM  345 times, while standing on the tips of your toes.  Am there, almost there, yet it somehow does not feel like an attainment.

Feels more like an asthama patient scrabbling for the inhaler, the fav scene of the Saaz-Bahu serials.

Change and transformation time for me too.

The only mantra that seems to work is to know that ALL IS WELL, and in the blip of time this too shall pass.

 

To learning to feel certain in uncertainty. 

someone else is living my life

Mr. Postcard has just come home today. Is finally back from New Zealand, am IT man, working with one of the biggies, he has returned from one more of the upteen "conferences" this one just happens to be in New Zealand ;-) . Last year he landed up in Singapore, Tanzania, Australia, Tasmania and he just happens to mention that (i) he is going to Peru and (ii) that his pic is on the OUTLOOK TRAVELER

I have only one feeling to sum up this.. someone else is living my life, while I am living some second hand version of mine.. See the images on FB and the dorkiest kids of my class seem to have latched on to the not so handsome men, who just happened to live in Swizz alps, and post updates about London rain and crib.. okok am a case of sour grapes and all but that is what is happening ;-)

You ever had those annoying questions, when you were in class 9, that asked you to see what you wanted to be? Well all that I did want was to be was a traveler. That is all. The ability to travel and see the world. not the kind my brother gets to do, the kind where he moves from boardroom to boardroom, as opposed to lugging your backpack on the back, the world strapped to you and no agenda to the day. letting it flow.

The former leaves you drained, where every airplane meal looks the same, you wonder where you are, see alien signboards at the railway station, and then you can be a traveller, where the food still sucks, if you are a vegetarian, but there is so much openness to meeting people.

There was this one time when I was backpacking in Kerala, staying alone in some random off beat place, and when I bumped into this other traveler, Hugh. Together, we went food scouting, found none, but chanced upon a man lazying against a bike. He informed us that there was no food to be got for miles, but if we wanted we could share a meal with his mates, who were the crew of a luxury house boat. Off we went and lo n behold, little me, random man Hugh, and 7/8 randomer Mallu men, were all sitting around a houseboat with an inbuilt jacussi, where i had the best meal of my life. Candle light maggi and fresh pineapples, rocking on the house boat, surrounded by fireflies.

That is why i want to travel. Secretly that is the reason i want to do my MBA. to expand the world.

Best friends number 3, is currently in ivory coast, off to a trip with someone from Norway, someone from Romania, he from india, all travelling within Africa, that is for me magical.. like an enid blyton book..

To travel unhurried and easy
in a land somewhat unknown
with people, of whom atleast one is old
some one new is met, a conversation struck
a meal shared, a story discussed
time to move, comes again,
just a happy memory, remaining to be shared.

Extracts from a song i read.... to living this as a part of my own life!!!

When I was young and unafraid

And dreams were made and used and wasted
There was no ransom to be paid
No song unsung, no wine untasted
But the tigers come at night
With their voices soft as thunder
As they tear your hopes apart
As they turn your dream to shame
He slept a summer by my side
He filled my days with endless wonder
He took my childhood in his stride
But he was gone when autumn came
And still I dream he'll come to me
And we'll live our lives together
But there are dreams that cannot be!
And there are storms we cannot weather
I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed.

this is how i feel

Round, like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel.
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
Like a snowball down a mountain
Or a carnaval balloon
Like a carousell that's turning
Running rings around the moon

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Like a tunnel that you follow
To a tunnel of it's own
Down a hollow to a cavern
Where the sun has never shone
Like a door that keeps revolving
In a half forgotten dream
Or the ripples from a pebble
Someone tosses in a stream.

Like a clock whose hands are sweeping
Past the minutes on it's face
And the world is like an apple
Whirling silently in space
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Keys that jingle in your pocket
Words that jangle your head
Why did summer go so quickly
Was it something that I said
Lovers walking allong the shore,
Leave their footprints in the sand
Was the sound of distant drumming
Just the fingers of your hand

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And a fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circle that you find
In the windmills of your mind

Pictures hanging in a hallway
And the fragment of this song
Half remembered names and faces
But to whom do they belong
When you knew that it was over
Were you suddenly aware
That the autumn leaves were turning
To the color of her hair

Like a circle in a spiral
Like a wheel within a wheel
Never ending or beginning,
On an ever spinning wheel
As the images unwind
Like the circles that you find
In the windmills of your mind

contentment

Sms, Stupid machku singh, as the pup has been named, is sitting on the bed chewing her new toy. Male Monica and Mad Mallu are siting and smoking, talking about inane drunk stories, the kind that always makes them smile. There is something about the jest that a mallu man has, show him a drink and no matter where, it seems to be a party. ;-) having lived around these guys for a while there seems to be a unmistakable trend!

Something happened last night, panicked and woke up even more stressed, prayed, chanted, and light the lamp. nothing was helping kill the distress. As tight as a spring my insides were, used my last option and called my latest pal. Who she is and what she is, is another story.

Don't know how or why but i am a believer, in the occult, energy work, healing, intution, taort, sensing all those so called unscientific things that people scoff at. She calmed me down, in moments, and felt better.

The rest of the day was a dream in comparison. ... bought new clothes, ended with a lovely dinner with the 2 men. There is something magical about open air resteraunts, no matter, where and when, on a breezy night eating below the stars makes one happy automatically.

Saw Revolutionary Road. had it forever, never got down to seeing it. Its a fabulous movie. understood the anguish of kate Winslet so well......

Without taking away from the movie it etches the story, of a couple who start their lives knowing that they are special, that they will lives that shall not be stuck in routine, but slowly they become just that... married, man works in the city, the 2 kids arrive, and the hollowness monotony of her life, drives her MAD. She wants to FEEL LIFE, experience it, and KNOWS that it is not to be found in more money or bettering their lives there. She wants to OUT, wants to move, to Paris, to wherever, with the agenda of feeling that tingling in the bone marrow.

Think that inherent ` `` (pup typed ;-) that) restlessness is me, that discontentment with routine, that is allowed to consume you, where the WHY you are doing stuff is less important than the what you are doing.

Guess its me, just not knowing quite y i am simmering with restlessness with this place. know its stemming from inside, may the answers to this come soon, may change come soon, may soon come soon!

To a new week! doing makes me happy, realization of the week.

Grrrrrrrrrrrr grrrrrrrrrrr grrrrrrrrrr

Its Saturday night and I am seeing Freaking TV! My like sucks, of all people I could only complain to MOM ;-( Think am the queen of pathetic, and that too am seeing the Karan Johar and the SRK preach about My name is Khan.. lord!

This getting fit business is a social life killer. You dont want to go out because u are not supposed to drink, the dinner is to be an amalgamation of leaves with variations of vinegar and oil, and there are very few people who want anything to do with that.

GAWD will something give in this silly life of mine.

Am still to get done with the MBA process, so have loads of work that is yet to be attacked, am experimenting with freelance work for the first time, which is a bit of a double edged sword, love the do what you want all day, hate the being at home all day.

highlights of the sorry last day

After puffing it out in the gym, the buggers gave me a buy one get one free coffee offer. What a laddoo gym. So trooped to the nicest Barista in the city, where (i) they did not accept the coupon (ii) they did not have a plug point and (iii) i was the only one sitting alone ... grr grr grr grr but did get free wifi

The mobile phone guy! The BASTARD!!! thought he was this nice nice guy, who genuinely wanted to return the phone, but INSTEAD he drove the bill up to Rs. 55000!!!!! The entire night he made international calls costing Rs. 45/minute!WTF... i still am trying to believe in the inherent goodness of men

Got dragged into one more couple spat.. YUCK

Looked gorgeous, as I met Male Monica at TGIF. ;-) ;-)

Am sure the pup was a sadhu in his past life, she seems to be loving SALAD! never seen a dog that eats salad.

But never mind all those miniscule thing, The bottom line is that I am restless and bored. Want something to change. Want NEW. a Kick, There are a bunch of people that I could call, but dont feel like it. No same old same old. or at least let it be a same old, new person. or same person, new place, something new,, shall die of stagnation at this rate.. can feel the noose closing in now........arrrgghhh

think being a female sucks
grouchy
me

think head think heart

Did really want to write a cheerful post this morning, am feeling all peppy in any case. But sadly, the events of the past 24 hours are of not all orangey!

Was all set for the gym in a flaming pink t shirt, when a friend of mine called, his wife is a dog addict, and wanted to see the puppy, now named Machku Singh. Dont even get there.

Anyway, couple in question were on their way back from a counsellor. I am a closer friends of the man, than the wife, but sort of intuitively understand the core nature of the wife. She is a corporate gyspsy, one of those, who needs to be doing something different, needs to be surrounded with electic people, yearns for an intellectual connection, conversation, freedom to express and above all this, needs passion.

She flies down "cats" across cities to get them a home, wakes up a 4.30 am to join a hug a tree campaign, restlessly moves from countries to countries, wears a bracelet from Ghana, while she is texting a close friend from Korea. Her, conversations are global, multi cultural exchanges, openness in dealing, dissolved boundaries. You get the picture. 

Her biggest grouse is that there is no passion in the man, or in the relationship. Junoon is not there. 

tricky word, this ... PASSION ;-)  This is not the passion of the romantic kind. Replace the mental image of the Kamastura ad, with that of say, Boman Irani, who took to acting when he was 40+. She wishes he had a cause, something higher than the mundane realities that consume their lives, and Y is this important for her? Coz, she needs to Look UP to her man, and its only then that it shall happen. When he is a JOSH MACHINE!

The Man: One of the nicest man that I know of. I deliberately use the word Nice, because that is genuinely what he is. NICE. He is a corporate guy, works well, works hard. Is successful, a pedigree of the best colleges of India, he is a doer, content with doing the regular, and willing to try the novel. What he is not is, electic, but on the flip side is exactly the person a hippie needs.

He grounds her, provides her with the stability needed in their life, and yet is perfectly ok with her doing whatever she needs to do to be happy, non intrusive non interfering. Sounds like a perfect blend

Yet there is something missing. Its not working for the now.

The amazing thing for me as an observer was how factual their conversations were. Tough questions like do u even want to be together, is there love etc were all treated like a business negotation. Fights were polite agruments the kind that you have with business colleagues. SO THANDA, truly no josh

They asked me if I thought they had a chance to make it work.

Hmmmmm.... the truth be told. Yea they can make it work. A few conversations, some middle path list of things to do and they can sustain this for a longish time.

BUT, will they be happy with each other, during this or continue to live half lived lives is another question all together. Sometimes people just grow up to be different with time, and the new selves that they are want different lives. You cant get a regular corporate guy to become someone who loves to hug trees, save animals and do all this with passion unless he wants to from within, and you cant get someone who is forever in the space o limitless possibilites to remain in the straight and narrow.

Yes. it can work,  but at what cost?

The reason they remain married, is more out of FEAR, fear of hurting each other, fear of being alone, fear that they are 30 and now too set to find someone new, lower tolerance of others idiosyncrasies.

Lacking the courage to face the bitter truth, that as our worlds expand they shrink even faster. Its getting tougher to make new friends, tougher to find people within your city you can call your security blankets.

My best friend gave me a letter last month, an ode to the old form of freindship, the non facebook kind, where you just sat and talked, and knew exactly what was happening without using ";-)' or "brb" or "lol' . I am a g-chat addict, and that is how retain most friendships, but when asked to count, have very few REAL people in the city i call home.

Am digressing. The point was, that in a marriage, is the fear of being alone, enough to keep you in the relationship? Should the reason to remain married not be... BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO GROW OLD WITH YOU?

Have always maintained. The toughest question that life throws at you is not what career, what job, what college..but

Is this relationship dead? or just going through a rough patch?

the line between belief and surrender can be capillary thin.

25 Random things about me

·         In class 5, the only thing that i wanted was a squeezy water bottle that i could freeze at night, a pop up pencil box and a backpack for going to school. Pretended that not having them made me cooler

·         Daddy told me he took 3 months to learn how to cycle, and taking time is perfectly fine. I took aeons to learn how to balance on a cycle. Told everyone its a genetic flaw. Later learnt daddy knew how to cycle in minutes. love daddy

·         Brotherand me wanted a dog called Sooty. he was going to be black with a wet nose. and be like scamper from famous 5. We got "chikki" instead. I am not complaining

·         Heros and Heroines, if they died during a movie they were dead. I never understood how they could come back to life and be dancing around trees again the next day... wisdom comes slowly

·         the best conversations are the ones not planned for. Remember Roon and me, at a random GK2 park, 8 pm at night, intense conversation about heartache over, 20 year old adults playing on a jungle gym and screaming "beam me up scotie" as we slid down jungle poles

·         I have brown eyes and black hair. few people know about the brown eyes bit

·         13 years old me- Playing catch and catch in a park, Roopak - (the first mallu man i knew, many more came and went) banged our heads. A bump the size of a cricket ball appeared on my forehead. I cried looking at myself in the mirror convinced no one would marry me. Some fears tend to remain ....

·         If you sit on the dome in deer park one can see a lot of parrots, preetika and me have counted them. Sunrises look very nice from the top of domes in jahapana forest

·         To date, i pray when a train i am is crossing a river. Rekha and her scarred face from Khoon Bhari Maang flash before my eyes.Well someone told me i just got my movies mixed up! Bloody hell.

·         My mother is the best. Full Stop. 

·         Bloody is an abuse. It does not mean that I am full of blood. Hence writing "bloody brother" in my autograph book as a child was not nice, Mr.

·         I loove bubble making machines, rainy days, candy floss, snuggling and falling asleep, bonfires, watching puppies play, a walk, jumping for the sheer joy of it, abhik saying goo gee baba, laughing and merry go rounds and kissing.....

·         secretly i like soft toys

·         Relationships are the best teachers. Nagu taught me more than any school put together…. ever could and would.

·         A breezy afternoon, dripping ice cream cones, a beach, my 3 year old son, my dog and “oddilicous hot me the mom” plonked on our bellies watching ants at work. Waiting for the dad in the SUV to come pick us up. Stuff my dreams are made of. Yes am very progressive

·         I have the sole copyright over “nandu the turtle”, the Australian house, the south Indian swing, the balcony with the candles set in Victorian jars, the bar and the sea, the yoga room and the masters degree 

·         Official lifelong rights to SLAP me has been awarded to Mimi and Mahesh, I sulk but I listen

·         Nomita makes the best pancakes, and lives in a doll house. and Ritvik has the biggest mirror a man ever owned.

·         Chalk fights, water fights and pillow fights are not fights. A TRUE fight is when we can smash plates. I HAVE NEVER EVER SMASHED a plate. Nor has Anjali. We plan to buy cheap plates, head to the beach and Smash plates. Disha thinks we are mad

·         The theory that the SEA throws back whatever what it gobbles on the beach is FALSE. We tried it. Sat for 3 hours waiting for our room key to be returned. Positive thinking took us back there in the morning as well. Still never got the key

·         I sucked my thumb till i was almost 12. There I said it. It does not sound that bad now.
Have you ever done the throw yourself on a crowd, like the rock stars do and let hands carry to the end. think thats super cool. am sure will be dropped .. paaachaak! but still worth a try
Going to yoga school was the best one month of life. Met a few soul mates there. It exists
Hate horror flicks. And gore. Even Rambo 5 was seen through the slits of my fingers
BEST Line - Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.