Tuesday, March 2, 2010

sourceless anger


I have woken up today with anger pouring out of my pores. There is no reason except that yesterday is no different from today, that is enough reason for me to be mad at myself, my current life and jealous of anyone everyone living their lives. 

Face book can now be re-christened killjoybook. Sorry, have no idea why I am behaving like a petulant child but am sure that as the day progresses the reasons shall emerge slowly and steadily. 

The possible reasons for angst are simple; been since November that my daily routine has remained confined to this house. Patience Patience, i keep telling myself the tide shall change, but as I pretend to be the sea coral, am witness to the tide coming in and picking up all the other sea shells off the shore but me. 

See friends getting married, and showing pictures of snow ridden cars, see holidays, latest gadgets, and trips taken from firang locations. And I am stuck with my belief. Belief that this is the year of change, with nothing to show for it.

Reality is
- money is on the ebb, last bit of savings shall go this week
- the project flow is that annoying stage, almost there the last trickle
- the only exit route that i have is the silly MBA
- following your heart and choosing to not be a corporate is a STUPID, PATHETIC DECISION
- being a sheep rocks. you get fed, clothed, coffee and someone falls in love with u at the water cooler
- My world has currently shrunk to the size of a pea. A baby pea

And yea all the solutions are there, get a job, make peace, you wanted this, you choose this etc etc. That there are good things in the offing. But am on a lament today. 

The reality also is that the past 2 years have been FUCKING UNFAIR!  Job one the guy decided to let me go because he did not have the balls to avoid a conflict that was brewing. Cancelled a trip, dealing with a breakup and now jobless, I decided to take a leap and follow my heart. invested solid money and time, doing courses that I loved doing, searched and researched the kind of place I wanted to work for, ensuring that stability was the main stay of the picture. Took a massive pay cut, worked without benefits and it was all ok because there was belief in the system in the people.

Turned out to be misplaced. Things promised did not happen. Was turned into a sales person, not even getting a glimpse of the passion that was fuelling this dream. The boss made crap statements; the landlord wanted me out for corrupting the moral fabric of the building.

Cancelled the UK trip for a 2 time. Finances wavering. Heart still not buckling down. Dug down into the last bit of reserve energy that I had and got a JOB that I LIKED! Still insisted on following my heart. Loved the people. Gave my all to the job, seamlessly integrated there, aced the induction process, was honest, pleasant and did more than what was needed. Got this one after 4 rounds of interviews, one rejection and cajoling them into how this job was for me. Persistence, and Patience were learnt, were delivered.

Result - 5 months after hiring me they decide to close shop. After 17 years into fucking operations simple apologies, we can’t do this for you. Did not even have anger left in me by then. A hatrick is not the most fun event to occur in all circumstances.

So what then? Follow the heart? be pragmatic? Be real?

Did the GMAT. WHY? Just so I can get the degree, that lets people take me seriously. If you believe that this one thing, gives me a brain., fine I shall get that too. so the next time, you got to pay me a BOMB and treat me with respect. 

Despair and disillusionment. Love life buried below the ground. Clutching at straws, I restarted conversations again. In less than 6 months, an email with the same tone was being sent. Hey there, do you know of an opening? Is there someone who you know. ME and MY DIGITAL BEGGING BOWL.... went begging. 

Recession had curtailed purse strings and charity was not to be seen.

Screw them then. Screw people who have the power and the need, and who avoid you in times of need. Screw each of the bosses, who have let others feel the knife, while tucking their salaries in. Screw them all. Why this delayed anger this morning? Am not sure, should have been felt by me ages ago, but the dam has left itself loose and am venting. This feels good too... SCREW YOU'

But each of these people are doing just fine. Are happy, content, rich and travelling. 

Am here. STUCK

Y, because I am STUPIDLY wanting to follow my heart. Want to not be a corporate rat, want to live life on my terms, want to be able to do work that I enjoy and make money while doing it. Everyone seems to be glad to talk to me..

Sure, let’s do coffee some time
I love your energy.... etc etc

Lines that get thrown all the time

When the crucial question comes.. What are we looking at as finances.. their nails. Toes and other body parts become enchanting and they cough. Clear the throat and like an Indian Court, set the date for a discussion in March? May? Let’s talk when I am back from EUROPE

Ah, no pause a moment sir; let’s talk, after I have fed ur head goo to the wolf in the zoo. 

Maybe it is time to call it a day. Tell the heart enough already please sit in a corner and suck your thumb. We are going to make money. To buy crap to feel good, to have a nest egg to do all these things.

We are going to go to INSEAD, and really pretend that we enjoy the program. We are going to go to a 5 year fancy international prison and make money. We are going to aim to enjoy the strapping’s that come with all.

Because my dear, to me is seems clear
the universe aint here
Its sense of humour has become caustically slow
And we sadly need to grow
To get on, get up, get a move
Get the essays and set the groove
March- between me and you
Can we make lots of money, honey?
Don’t care how, don’t care where
Want that phone and the prettier lens
The wait is over, the universe failed
Let’s chase success, let’s be staid
Be a sheep be a rat
Be anything but this lounging cat

In case you have not got it am pissed.