Friday, March 26, 2010

i am scared of me



Love is a complex game. 

The moment it turns us into blubbering fools. Keen to talk, to share to be validated. The same person we could have a back slapping conversation with, and sprawl on the bed with while seeing movies becomes someone we are conscious about. Every gesture gets a deeper meaning, every mail and text sent is read and re read looking for deeper meanings.  

Because somewhere in all this it becomes difficult to have a really honest conversation with ourselves and the  other person. We become scared to open up. Scared of the happiness of believing that it is here, that what we wanted for so long, the brief glimmer of hope that love may actually be knocking on the door makes us scared silly and we hide under the blankets dying to open the door and scared that if we did and let love in she would eventually up and leave.

That’s why I think we marry, its like a big lock that we can place on the door and say nopes, the flight out is available but u got to clean a lot of mess before you can choose to say the goodbye.

Why the hell am I talking in circles?
 Don’t know or maybe I do and am hiding from myself……

Someone once asked me two interesting and probing questions.
1.  Why do I seem to pick crash-burn-run relationships?
2.   Why is the attraction for those people who are taken?

As I type this out, I am taking a deep sigh and looking at them anew.  In the past year or two have seem to developed an art form of magnetizing in life some incredibility good and some useless people who are almost always stringed.  Good human beings, well then again everyone is a good human being for me but each with a story of how they had to go.  A fact that was not hidden but obvious from the moment go.

Hmmmm the problem then is obviously me and what I am choosing to attract towards me.  A cocktail of commitment phobia,  not having a ready made exit route ready or maybe the simpler scarier truth of the matter is that if there was someone who was there, really there then I would actually have to consider marrying that person.

The wisps of smoke, the illusion would solidify.
The dreams or the mental checklist I carry about who and what the person should be would become solidified to represent him.
Whoever that him is

Even scarier is that there may be a self esteem issue. Maybe and I think this is truer than I would care to acknowledge at some core cellular level, since I am prone to immense restlessness and get bored easily, I assume that is how every one else also thinks and feels. And so the fear is that when someone marries me, we shall get bored… eventually and that shall be just terrible. For him and for me.

What an absolutely silly way to think na……. that the institution of marriage then shall have to be re-crafted to allow the individual to shake themselves awake.. much like a dog post a shower and to reassess life post marriage. To get up and say, allright then this is sailing as is, but is not a kicker, so what else am I to do to get there… and this then gets the fuel going for more money, sailing, golf scores, some travel, chase and new conquests.

Am digressing into generic bullshit because talking about me is painful
So here is the bitter admission

I am not only blonde but also a woos. Trust easily and then look for love and reassurance in the wrong parameters. Get hurt and swear not to repeat this. I care and get invested, like meddle in your life invested super fast and then get confused when others are not like that.

But this is a sham. With the departure of each person, I re affirm my own limiting belief of how no one would want to spend a life with me, because somewhere am petrified of spending a faithful life time with someone.

Scary.