Monday, March 8, 2010

from me to me

This one is for me. 

It is Monday morning, almost 12 am and am at home. Just typed in my todo list and aside from a few administrative stuff to close the application, the only other things left are closing loops on meeting people and securing some work, any work.

The MBA deal is almost over. feel empty now that it has been filed. scared and tensed. not so much for the admission itself but for what looms beyond that. the path i may be willingly putting myself on. The essay writing was a reflection page. Was humbled by how little in terms of external achievements I had to list, had a story that made sense to me from my heart space, but not more beyond that. 

made me feel a bit like flatulence, but that I know is not me. See me searching for a job, a course, or even at work am the quintessential excel sheet worker. Am not a work shirker nor lazy at getting stuff done. just stubborn about working at something i like in a environment i like. Will a MBA give me that? Dont know.

Was sitting in my ex office on Friday. Landed there for a lark, was waiting for some friends to complete their work and read NY Times to keep myself entertained. Writers sitting in NY, were opinionating on matters as diverse as gender divide in Yemen, getting panel discussions going, and there may be no action but the canvas of operations was wider, much much wider.

This is y i want to go. Leave India for a bit. not because i have anything against it, but just the desire to expand me, my canvas and the people i know. Yet, selfish as i am want to do all this, while securely rooted in some sense of a stable relationship that i can come home to.

The application has left me empty. Now looms the challenge of sorting out what next, filling the days with work, getting an office space to work from and enough connected dots to make me feel alive. Am crying as i type this. and really dont know y.

There is something much much deeper than this that is out of my depth. MM and I have been spending almost all our freetime together since October or even before that. He is my closest friend in the entire world. Knows me at times better than myself, my fears, my lies, my worries has more faith in me than me. is in love with me, and wants to marry. the forever n ever n ever n ever kinds. 

We are good together. We really are, in terms of trust, conversation, interest can spend time without getting on each others throats and have for years.  As for me, I love him back, for being who he is, for what we share, for the rock he is in my life. 

Yet there is only one ripple in this whole set up. We are chalk and cheese. He is utterly convinced in his DNA that this is why we work and me that is why we do not, will not work. For those who know me, this is stale news. We have been here several times. only know at 30 and 28, it is no longer funny. 

Each of us needs to be able to move on, marry, get the complete love and adoration of someone else. He so deserves that for being an super incredible human being, I do too for being a wild weird one. We cant be that for each other, or so i believe. huge huge mistake on my part or not? dont know.. 

all i know that not having the freedom to share my life with him, turns me into this. a weepy lost machine. The fact that the external world is shrinking, makes it even harder for me to let go, dont want to let go, he is my best friend and we have not even fought for the impassee to have to happen.

But he does not see me as a friend, sees me different. what do we do? how do we balance the beauty of what we share in the here and now with the different dreams we have for the tomm. Blanketing the other person seems cruel and heartless. Y, when you hardly ever get someone ever with whom you can even get an iota of this. 

The house feels silent minus machku singh. 
with the MBA application done life feels silent for the now with no real agendas to fill
painted the wall blue last night, did not realize the colour had soaked so deeply in