Starting this post for the third time. Feeling agitated today, been a slow traffic day and am missing a sense of urgency about what, where, etc. at the same time am feeling a sense of calmness about here and now. Think its the chronic need of having or missing a larger plan and feeling agitation each time someone else is making the leap.
Todays source of angst came from 2 very unexpected sources, one a family member is settling down in new york for a year and the other a even less worthy source. an ex colleague of mine someone younger from the law days has sorted and positioned himself him well enough to get the nest egg and the fancy gadgets.
So to distill it a level below
There are two fundamentals greviances that are conflicting and yet both sitting inside me pulling me in opposing directions.
1. the desire to stabalise- n grow roots in one thing, give it time learn depth and not surface, get a nest egg of money some savings some structure to it and move from there. This is a deep desire to get EXCELLENTO in one core sector.
2. The other equally strong and conflicting desire is to be YOUNG and travel. Needless to say the above feeds into the latter, and need to set a time line to be able to see the long list of places that otherwise sit in the oneday someday bucket.
Need to do more, be more see more, create more
Stressing myself too much at times i think
sometimes not. but where do i see my 5 years from now?
lets see 2015, I shall be 34 years old.
- I def want to be a mother. Full stop. If nothing else happens this is the one thing that i want.
- own a house, small/big does not matter, have it done up as a reflection of "us"
- "us" being the anchor, the man, nandu, paul, the little one, the wine cellar, the balcony and all this sitting in Australia
- I am teaching yoga, engaging in consulting with a international team located in Australia and juggling timelines
- I travel - short business trips and longer ones of self discovery, with Kabir my son.
- Have completed vipasana, spent time with the Aborogines and nourished my soul with some healing
This is where i want to be, may sound too boring and not challenging for the now. but i think it reflects the deep core of what i want, Stable explorations. Contradictory statements or possible life choices can be whatever u want it to be.
But the one thing is clear, for me relationships becomes a core. For today no matter how much the restlessness exists, or does not. Am going to stretch and learn, grow within the Indian space, to quench it than change the countries. Because am not un- anchoring the one thing that makes me feel like - home. everything else is a wave i ride.