I am sitting on the bed, oil in my hair, a huge crink in my neck and droopy eyes. My packing is yet to commence, am nowhere near home, am grumpy and have no clue why. The neck does not move and have work to do. All i feel like doing though is taking a nap
Shake up, wake up. wish someone would slap me.
If memory serves me right was non excited before UK as well, but turned out to be a trip worth taking ;-0
What do i write about. Feels like the last moments before a cliff jump. Blankness
People have asked me if i am nervous, excited, worried, how am i feeling
and i dont have an answer
yet again i find myself standing in the space of being a spectator to my own life
where i am in it, living it
but feel like i am witnessing it from outside of me
in the past few hours have met friends, 2 of whom are getting married. In the indian context they have attained the impossible by restricting the number of ppl to only 70 or so. that is truly special to have only those people around you who are people whom you connect with and no brain space is wasted in determining who the other is
i have to get a healthier life on my return. non negotiable and get on the bike
and maybe get the silly brain to open up a bit and see how to learn a language
too sleepy to write more and it is only 11 am
someone slap me
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Friday, September 3, 2010
dee daa daaa dum
Come on someone pour the enthusiasm on me. I am flying and for once am not going to be heading into the domestic terminal but the international one
this means
1. there is duty free
2. there is alcohol
3. there is one more visa stamp on the passport race
4. there is newness
5. there are blankets on the flight and TV ;-)
6. there is a loooooong immigration line when u land
7. everyone is silent and quiet
8. I am almost always wondering if I am doing something non acceptable
9. I smile a lot and wonder why everyone is so grim, remind me that it is me on a holiday not them!
10. I walk a lot more, think a lot more and become a trigger maniac
11. life in India seems very very far away and I wonder what it would take for me to be there
12. Become silent, since no one understands what i say in any case
13. can see stars and the air smells nice- its nice
14. miss some spice. like hot khana ;-)
but more than all this .......... there are new people to me met, new places to see, new rivers to walk into
Its a HOLIDAY!!!!!!!
And i need to get into the groove now to get all happy happy about it
i like europe
makes me feel part of a loong historic journey, like a tiny pebble in the historic occean
to that land here i come!
amen
Thursday, September 2, 2010
bird in office
a bird fell off from her nest, and on the car of my boss. It is a little thing fits in my palm. Its not a sparrow or a pigeon but a pretty mayna that has been chirping in a corner, she think the little thing is a soaring one and has been flitting from one corner of the room to the other very happily!
Been a semi scattered day. Met an artist yesterday at the first ambassador workshop. for gifts she painted images of peoples families, one such was a women was a painter- she painted emotive stories about peoples lives. For example - she had an assignment to paint a farewell gift for a sardar family who was off to canada after 2 years here
Been a semi scattered day. Met an artist yesterday at the first ambassador workshop. for gifts she painted images of peoples families, one such was a women was a painter- she painted emotive stories about peoples lives. For example - she had an assignment to paint a farewell gift for a sardar family who was off to canada after 2 years here
So a trunk emerged. On the trunk the families stories went in animated visual form
The nanis, the couple and the kid took the top
the man was always cajoled to eat butter chicken by his mother in law as she said khaayoo beta khayoo and each time he ate .. so the artist made a animation of a man, a sqauking chicken...and a pot ...where the chicken kept saying khaaoo khaoo
or the man was called some Singh and he kept fighting with the auto drivers
so that became 2 cows with horns (hindi for singhs) and they were fighting .. heheee
like artists there is such aliveness in them and such slowness to it as well.
they have a sense of life
and corporate men/ppl dont have it as much, they just dont
Have not been doing enough of the three things i do well. Write, Photography and Yoga. Need to do some more of these three and i shall be fine. I am fine
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
Sluggish
Am fat again! uuff this weight keeps catching up with me.
Been feeling sluggish and rolly polly and unfit and despite this am not getting the drive to head to the gym. I am feeling done with gyms too, want something more creative to be the fitness creator.
There is something missing, its in me its internal
a link of some sort that i am missing
a knot that i need to release.
need to get into a rhythm that is balanced
for the now it is not
need a little calm
a little sweat
a fitter me
and a secure blanket
its ok to be here and sense the gap
because only then can one close it
action plan
Been feeling sluggish and rolly polly and unfit and despite this am not getting the drive to head to the gym. I am feeling done with gyms too, want something more creative to be the fitness creator.
There is something missing, its in me its internal
a link of some sort that i am missing
a knot that i need to release.
need to get into a rhythm that is balanced
for the now it is not
need a little calm
a little sweat
a fitter me
and a secure blanket
its ok to be here and sense the gap
because only then can one close it
action plan
September is here
It is already here. September that is. The favourite month in the calender ;-) Y? because it is the birthday month!!
But more than that it is sort of like a mid point of the year for me. I am slow, it takes 8 months and not 6 for a mid point to be reached in my head.
Like reflecting on that which has happened and there can then be a sense of urgency for the 3 months that are left to complete the to dos for the year that never happened till now. Like a masterji's stick that is prodding one along. September for me is a check... done, not done? what remains to be done?? etc etc
August was a good month. A really good month compared to the ones before. Biggest reason was the restoration of an office and a routine, a semblance of structure, of getting out of the house, of getting work to bite into. Of project getting in, of quiet desperation and hope mingled with relief. a roller coaster little month
it was a month of holidays... Kerala and Coorg, Chennai. Parties at home, alchohol cake, blog fights, and trip planning. A month of meeting new friends, saying bye, watching a little furry thing, bind people together by playing ball.
Tension about money, laughter about silly things. There was a lot of good that this month got in! and September better live up to its promise of being a good good one ;-)
But more than that it is sort of like a mid point of the year for me. I am slow, it takes 8 months and not 6 for a mid point to be reached in my head.
Like reflecting on that which has happened and there can then be a sense of urgency for the 3 months that are left to complete the to dos for the year that never happened till now. Like a masterji's stick that is prodding one along. September for me is a check... done, not done? what remains to be done?? etc etc
August was a good month. A really good month compared to the ones before. Biggest reason was the restoration of an office and a routine, a semblance of structure, of getting out of the house, of getting work to bite into. Of project getting in, of quiet desperation and hope mingled with relief. a roller coaster little month
it was a month of holidays... Kerala and Coorg, Chennai. Parties at home, alchohol cake, blog fights, and trip planning. A month of meeting new friends, saying bye, watching a little furry thing, bind people together by playing ball.
Tension about money, laughter about silly things. There was a lot of good that this month got in! and September better live up to its promise of being a good good one ;-)
sounds of silence
There are events and then there are a lot of events. For the now the latter is on. Here is a snapshot of what life has been in the past few days and wondering as to why i am feeling slow and breathless at the same time.
Friday
Started with a long drive in to work, trying to get big mans attention to close certain decisions, did not happen, worked latish, drove a jittery ride home, got back, packed, prepared for the party for the next day, felt blah, picked food, went to friends place, sat there, slept early, and felt un-centered. did not know why, ignored the feeling and let sleep take over
Saturday
Girl time. Went shopping all day, Cooked in the afternoon (sound like a cow - but nopes) decided to orchestrate a party with a difference, was bored of the lets sit around and drink nights, so here is what we did. 2 girls were the prize of the evening, about 14 men the competition and each of these very grown up men very given roadie type of challenges to be won and scored...
was immense fun. Saw grown boys cuddle and dance on paper, sashay down a candle lit lamp, get excited and rush around in a frenzy to make drinks to impress the girls etc etc.
Everyone had a good time. Me included.
Though have a nugget of 'i wish" left over as a residue. Wish for the creative mantle to be handled by someone else sometimes. its not a lament or a protest, but i like the land of make believe where you step in like alice in wonderland and everything is possible. It is still you but in that moment it is not you.
When the men were dancing and frolicking - for that fraction of time, it was them unhindered and loose. Liberating.
Sunday
Drove out to Chennai after a mini hangover was taken care of. Sat in the car and was quiet. Felt like i was quiet after a long time. Enjoyed the silence. But interestingly there were no large lurking thoughts. Nothing huge was absorbing my attention. More like a savoring of the moment
Yet, there was something there, a blip that came and went of......dont have a word for it. more a visual. It was one of me grasping for something and constantly eluding it. Sound like I have smoked up. Have not.
Anyway, drive done Chennai had arrived
Monday
Tourism day. No matter what and how I tried to communicate to the auto drivers in Chennai they refused to understand a word of what i said. Three autos same reactions. Was taken to the other corner of the city before being deposited.
There is something about that city I cant get myself to reconcile to. The men, the letching, the complete inability to understand what u are saying, rudeness and the deep desire to slap them is irresistible. If there is one city i do not wish to live in- Chennai shall have to be it.
Hmmmmmmm that takes care of the days.
Note - there are events and more events, the feelings of what really is happening is something even i have not sat and asked of me. Need to talk to me, just no reason except that it has been a while.
Friday
Started with a long drive in to work, trying to get big mans attention to close certain decisions, did not happen, worked latish, drove a jittery ride home, got back, packed, prepared for the party for the next day, felt blah, picked food, went to friends place, sat there, slept early, and felt un-centered. did not know why, ignored the feeling and let sleep take over
Saturday
Girl time. Went shopping all day, Cooked in the afternoon (sound like a cow - but nopes) decided to orchestrate a party with a difference, was bored of the lets sit around and drink nights, so here is what we did. 2 girls were the prize of the evening, about 14 men the competition and each of these very grown up men very given roadie type of challenges to be won and scored...
was immense fun. Saw grown boys cuddle and dance on paper, sashay down a candle lit lamp, get excited and rush around in a frenzy to make drinks to impress the girls etc etc.
Everyone had a good time. Me included.
Though have a nugget of 'i wish" left over as a residue. Wish for the creative mantle to be handled by someone else sometimes. its not a lament or a protest, but i like the land of make believe where you step in like alice in wonderland and everything is possible. It is still you but in that moment it is not you.
When the men were dancing and frolicking - for that fraction of time, it was them unhindered and loose. Liberating.
Sunday
Drove out to Chennai after a mini hangover was taken care of. Sat in the car and was quiet. Felt like i was quiet after a long time. Enjoyed the silence. But interestingly there were no large lurking thoughts. Nothing huge was absorbing my attention. More like a savoring of the moment
Yet, there was something there, a blip that came and went of......dont have a word for it. more a visual. It was one of me grasping for something and constantly eluding it. Sound like I have smoked up. Have not.
Anyway, drive done Chennai had arrived
Monday
Tourism day. No matter what and how I tried to communicate to the auto drivers in Chennai they refused to understand a word of what i said. Three autos same reactions. Was taken to the other corner of the city before being deposited.
There is something about that city I cant get myself to reconcile to. The men, the letching, the complete inability to understand what u are saying, rudeness and the deep desire to slap them is irresistible. If there is one city i do not wish to live in- Chennai shall have to be it.
Hmmmmmmm that takes care of the days.
Note - there are events and more events, the feelings of what really is happening is something even i have not sat and asked of me. Need to talk to me, just no reason except that it has been a while.
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