Monday, August 7, 2006

Saturday puke

Quick profile of me to help make sense of this vomit session.

Me - Human with boobs, Indian, Restless, currently assigned the role of being a corporate lawyer in India, Role = character one plays at different moments of life. Previous star performances included dabbling with being a serious student, a wannabe rat in the rat race (was young and decided to study for the CAT/MBA entrance.. thankfully flunked) a 23 yr old taking people on training camps, watching them get wet in the river while rafting and them using their dip to preach management -- yes was a TRAINER, and recently became a yoga instructor, that gave me more clarity that one needs to handle an existence in the city.

Full stop.

So now life sees me working a six day week. Technically have it good, as in I am to get in to work at a 9 30 and can afford to leave at say a 7ish. Not bad,... the boss is not that demanding, but there is something missing and that is that the inner me is not quite feeling alive.

When I look back at the three months that I have cut here so far there are no stand out days. They are all slowly melting into a mush category, time spent, but not remembered, nothing added to the memory bank, unless only tries really hard to think... and then the only memories that lazily disentangle themselves from the subconscious are the ones wherein I did something silly, meals eaten at the work place or conversations with colleagues.

WE all underestimate the value of being Silly, just plain silly,. simple things like, going up n down in your chair, laughing out aloud, cackling with glee, dumping salt in someone coffee, ( ok that’s lame) they are not professional things to do but they create bonds and memories, to differentiate that ONE moment form the countless ones lived so far!!

I am going to quote Bollywood here, and that too a typical over the top sentimental scene from the flick which had Abhishek Bachchan n Priyanka Chopra. called Bluffmaster.. Snigger all you want... but there was this one time when Bomi Irani while walking with him at the Marine Drive asks of the about to die hero, so if I make you do a flashback of the time that you have already lived ... what are the memories, the moments that you feel that you have lived that stand out??

Chances are... for me atleast, its the simple moments that stand out, when i got my fist pup home, it was raining and the family watched this little thing, sitting in our empty fruit basket sleep while we gazed with wonder, the time when i drove back from work with my running shoes dangling from my car window, I am not even talking abt the OH MY GOD moments of life, but the simple moments that one remembers.

This is my state now. I know I am on the path to something better, a change that will occur and transpire. This is a hope an illusion or a belief I don’t know, but it is the only exit strategy that I have so far to be able to survive my current routine. An affirmation and welcome for the wonder the next minute will get and gratitude for what I am learning now.

So, what is the point that I am trying to make here?

Each time I crib about not liking my work too much or feeling bored .. Someone somewhere tells me to shutup/grow up/ get responsible/ behave like a professional (which somehow means work long hours and not have a personal life) or throw economics.. you have no choice. You need the money, shut up and stop cribbing etc.

One can get used to just about anything in life, from a Taliban regime, to the American Guatemala prison existing, to the heat in Europe to bombs blasting through your trains, to a tyrannical boss, to working a lot or none at all, to.. You name it.

Probably the only creature that beats us at resilience out cockroaches and that another story!

I refuse to GET USED to it, or to live only for MY RESUME. I am alive and choose to feel that at all times. even it that implies I am labeled a drifter or a fickle person or better still the sponge,, I will know when I am 68 and rocking on the rocking chair watching the sea, my life would have been so LIVED that I may not need TV.