Monday, December 2, 2013

bucketing it

We sat down in the middle of a fancy club house. The agenda of the night was to make our bucket list. To ape the concept promoted by Hollywood and list down that which we thought we really wanted to achieve in life.

There were only two rules.

Rule 1 - That we would out down on the list things we really really really deep down wanted to do
&
Rule 2 -  Every year we must aim to attain at least one thing from this list. If we were not getting down to crossing one thing off the list then either the list was bullshit or the life was bullshit.

The intention set. We started out.

Fight 1- Excel or Word.
Person one could think best when an excel sheet was spread out before him. coloums, filters ability to set timelines, numbers made sense. Person 2 looked at the boxiness of an excel sheet and the brain froze in the maze of structure unable to think freely.

A compromise was reached. First step of free thinking would be done in excel and step two of detailing in excel.

Cool.

Word document opened. The pair proceeded to vomit out the deep desires that had been stored for so long and needed no thinking. Cliches poured out - Travel to 1,2, 3, 4... 10 different places. Learn the guitar, be a part of a band. Buy a house, see the making of a beer factory, do this, learn that, experience this.

The pauses soon became longer than the comments. The list felt rudderless. Anchorless. We sat back and asked ourselves - is this it? is this really what we want to do? sky diving and walking through the Amazon.

I feel a little small in my own eyes. The bubble gum philosophy of Paul Cohelo and the Alchemist came back to haunt. What did I truly want? What was the impact that I could make? Was life to be lived only for the sake of my gain and my experiences?

Yes Indeed. Person 2 retorted. Carpe Diem. Seize the day. Do what you want to do. Be what you want to be. Legacy, Impact. Power, Making a difference - is all good and fine but eventually they too fade. Maybe they are remembered for the next 20 yrs, maybe 50 but then its gone, discarded and disappeared. Even is its remembered forever and ever what is the point of being heralded in the long run. You become mis qouted and mis understood. From the Tipus to the Jesus the real person remains lost and unknown.

There was a point to that. Besides he rationalised. If there is no great passion or a cause that beckons one from the insides of your soul, its best to acknowledge that and do what you can to live a true happy life. This isnt to be mistaken for becoming a boring person but instead living in a way that you keep learning, experiencing, living it up.

The other side were voices that I heard from others. What is the purpose of life if there is no difference made to others? You are not remembered for doing things that you were expected to do. Ask yourself the legacy question. Create a ripple of change. Help. Live a life of passion, all of this came up

At a recent job interview, the interviewer threw up the ; what are you willing to take the pain of life up for question. The most important question to ask question.... and I truly have no honest answer. At some level this annoys me, at some level this is what I have come to expect to be ok.

Deep down I dont know. I remain a seeker. There is no point to the post really. There are only questions that I can ask myself. What do I really seek, what do i really need. The candid admission is that I dont at this moment in life need much, what I seek is what remains a mystery.

to having the courage to ask myself some important questions soon