Friday, November 29, 2013

Love and Fear

Love and fear are two sides of the same coin.

This is a line that I had heard often and never really understood.

Now I am beginning to get a sense of it. A few years ago, life was lived fearlessly to a large extent. Living it on your own terms, doing things that you wanted to because you wanted to do it. Fear was scoffed at. If it existed it was minute in scope. it was the fear of reaching office late, fear that maybe the traffic cop would catch you or fear that your mom would find out exactly where you were. 

Living took over fear completely. Everything was an adventure. Walking down a high mountain pass in sheets of rain without a torch - ooh brave. Insisting on travelling alone, joining groups of people you may not know well before to explore the mountains and hills, letting conversations become longer friendships was increasing your life space. Fearing a new place, a new city, a new experience were not emotions that existed.

Letting the present moment dictate the next is something that I got, appreciated and revelled in. 

I dont know when that changed. I have a lurking suspicion that motherhood has got something to do with it. As a mother things are just different. In the past months I am gripped by an irrational fear that something can happen to me, my child or my spouse. The fear comes in the smallest fraction of time and like a mini typhoon keeps picking up momentum till its like a helicopter churning all thoughts in the same direction. 

Something has happened to him Something has happened to him.

The fear comes from being scared. From a deep rooted fear of life; of living without someone who you depend on, fear of how you shall carry on once your core goes. 

Its gets even more detailed, this typhoon induced fear. I fear being a single parent, I fear how my little one will be, I fear how I shall manage, I fear my life.. alone. 

Recently, a close family friend lost her husband just like that on a sunny afternoon. One minute he was assisting in installing a home theatre system and the next he was gone. Life changed. Fundamentally. Permanently. The other person was left there, wondering how to cope, what to do. 

She was left grappling with empty evenings. A desire for a conversation those rambling simple agenda-less ones. You crave a presence in the house. A breath linked to yours as you breathe..deeply asleep. A hand to hold as gears are shifted in a car, a random hug as you scramble eggs. A person who dreams your dreams, understands your fears and is something so much much more than a lover or a friend can ever be.

Your immediate family is your mirror. Someone you stand vulnerably in front of every single day with all your faults and with all your perfections and hope that they still shall shower you with love in return. 

The typhoon grows stronger. Relentless. I call his cell phone relentlessly. Feeling with every call the fear that must have gripped my mother and my father as they did the same exact thing - calling and calling me, when I as a teen ager and young adult would simply forget to answer my calls, leave the cell in the car, leave it on silent in the bag and then roll my eyes in horror when the screen would show 10 missed calls from them

I now understand the apprehensions a lot more. 

Hearing the voice on the other side brings a tidal wave of relief. He's ok. We are ok. I am ok. Thank you. Gratitude flows from each part of your being and you cherish the small moment of holding him tight when he comes home a little more. You know that you are being irrational, a mini stalker, a total fool. It does not matter. All that does matter is that is that everyone is safe and ok.

love comes with fear. Only now it makes sense. 

Only it makes no sense. As a single woman at some level I think I was far stronger. I relied on myself for everything. Financially, emotionally, physically I was my own comfort blanket. Others came and went but the comings and goings did not leave crater sized voids in your soul. Only as a single woman I felt one void deeply, the void of a lover, a mate, a partner. 

Depending on someone has been a tough lesson to learn. In my 20's learning to not depend was the core lesson. To be independent. Strong. Alone. Sole. To make it on your own terms, all of it a lofty goal.

Today these same values have taught me how to depend, how to be strong while not being alone, how to be who you are while pushing the other become all that they set out to be. To allow yourself to be taken care of and know that its allright, to let go of the deep need to earn for your keep and still feel valued. To change how I define myself and cherish the change. 

Having a family has changed me. 
It has wrapped me in love
and layered me in fear. 

I can only pray that this does not change. Ever.