Wednesday, June 8, 2011

kal aaj aur kal.

The Past, the Present and the Future.
Being Stuck in All Three.

the past

I was carefree, happy and alive. Believed in a simple life. Walking to school, on the eve of a maths exam I waited breathlessly for the time that I would be grown up. I made a plan for myself, hmm given that there was a lot to do in life, I would marry a little late. In the teenaged 13 year old mind, 27-28 was very very late. At 28 I was to be glamourous, very popular, a globe trotter, creative and having a spell binding collection of art, music and literature.

The teenager grew from a somewhat ugly duck to a presentable swan. Life became the mayhem of the 20's. Convent college coupled with inadequate girlie skills made me the last one to get a guy, the elusive boy friend remained a mystery.

Remember walking in the local park in the colony and asking the 1 year older and bf wiser girlpal., what a kiss felt like, and praying everynight for love to come knocking on my door.

Time swept on. Casting the illusions of love to a corner, one made oneself interesting, endearing, the guy between the girls, the easy to hang out with person and with it came friendships, some with strings and some without strings. The teenager witnessed this silently. Approving and Disapproving in the same breath. Approving that there was living happening, risk happening, disapproving the loss of a dream that was slowing vaporising into thin air.

Love happened one day, at the wedding of this same colony walking girl. It came from nowhere, spread everywhere and something happened. Happiness became a fellow friend, dreams cocooned themselves around me and life seemed perfect in the present.

Aaj/the present

The moment that happens, the present becomes happy, the little me wanted to capture it. Store it, hold it to ransom - till it promised that it wasnt an illusion, that she wasnt a guest but a resident. Sign the contract, I wanted to yell at her, that you will stay not only for today but also for tomorrow, and the many morrows after that..

She threw a tantrum
We negotiated
and finally she, stifled by the demands that the future cast on her

the present that was happy, alive began reeking of uncertainty, frustration and desperation as the straws to weave a future life from begun to crumble.

But then again, as one looked back at the moment that had just become the past one wondered. Isnt a future purpose a necessity for a sustainability of a relationship? or is looking for a future killing the present? is it even meant to be that complex, cant one just flow from one to the other???

The Future

a house with picket fences, a giant veranda, the teraccota animals dotting the wall, the speakers mounted there the south indian swing, the man the me, the news of the pregnancy, the slow silent dance, the candles in their trapped glass casings, the dog pawing our legs, nandu the turtle snoring in a corner, the french windowed glass, the wine cooling in the jar, the gentle breeze....

somehow this is what i have been fixated on since i can remember

just the fixation seems to be an illusion
time to change - frames? myself? or ...........