an everyday day

I am waking up, the last few minutes before the eyes are waking up and the body realizing who it is. My body is stretching a little bit, seeking a familiar smell, curled like a ball the arms unravel from myself and reach out on the sheets. eyes shut, brain fuzzy it reaches out for you -- like a baby kitten seeking warmth 

Waking up, shutting off the dreaded snooze post the mandatory 5 minutes which was repeated three times. My arms hurl the blanket off and head off in search of my kitten

There she is, lying on her bed, face down on the pillow, legs sprayed in her favourite frog position that she loves. She senses me before she hears me and lifts her head up, crawling on her belly to come closer.. I cover her back with the blanket and she snuggles into my legs. Reaching out like a baby kitten seeking warmth

Smiling, I kiss the top of her head, waiting for the dog to come and join the pretend kitten morning that we are having. 

Images from yesterday flash in my head as I stroke her back, while she crawls up on me and rests her head on my shoulder. One of the two ponytails that she is sporting tickles my nose and I laugh. She chuckles and snuggles back in. Still. Inert. Wanting nothing more than being held warm and close.

EEAAIIOO

I whisper. 

No response

Old mac donald had a farm, and on the farm he had a ...

I pause

Nestled against my chest the tiny kitten mews -- cow. 

Another day has begun. 

Yesterday I saw my baby grow up. Coming home post a spinning class I headed to the shower. Mumma, Mumma, a voice peeped outside the door. Parked and lathered behind the shower curtain I heard the door open and a little face peeped at me - through the curtain - giggling in her adventure

There i stood.

Wet, lathered - laughing. As she and her pig tails stood at the end playing with the water drops

Hehehee Maaamaa she said, looking- questioningly at my bare body. 

Tara face dirty she declared. 

Attempting to join me in the bath with that deceleration. 

Standing there wet, I admired how much motherhood teaches you. Ten years ago being caught in the shower would have made me cringe. Here I stood, laughing, lathering her face, blowing bubbles in her direction - as natural as can be. We  toweled ourself dry and ventured back to the world

Lena came. From office. - Tara knew that. 

She knew that Lena needed to relax and let go,

So T came to me and said mamma put put, Dance Dance put put

and we did. Had the radio on, wine in hand and danced up and danced down

Sitting on the sofa later in the night, I knew life was allrgiht

The ball was rolling on the newness.

the home was warm, cozy, filled with love and laughter

Thinking of the new job, country, friends, places filled me with butterflies, I have not had that level of butterflies in very very long. The good nervous. The OH MY GOSH - fear and joy intermingled together

Feeling that feeling itself made me happy and joyus

Gratitude is pausing and acknowledging that which is good

Get up. Get going

With the dawn of the new years, often there is a feeling that life seems to pass by with us wanting more, dreaming more but achieving not that much more.

As in I look back and the things that we had wanted for ourselves – were largely what we will put down even now. Money, travel, love and purpose. Fitness and adventure.

Yet somehow we have not moved beyond this desire. If I was to look critically back at how we have changed over the past 5 yrs, there isn’t that much that I can say that I committed to and achieved. I waivered, I dreamt and I never took the chances. I didn’t work hard hard or feel the dream connect to something that large. I let life take over more than me take control

20-15 was to be a year of charge, of doing things, of success. Yet, I stand here again at Flipkart, with little work, feeling underused and not biting into the apple of achievement. Is it the wrong place, or the wrong team – that is not important. Its about me. Its my pattern at some level and its about me taking charge and saying challenge me more.

These emotions arising from a few random events of the past few days… A line from someone yesterday on Facebook comes and sits inside me. 

Your dreams are not dreams if they don’t leave you scared and trembling

What are my dreams?

Travel the world– yet when I do think of a year long travel there is a sense of deariness, sense of exhaustion that it gets laced with

Move abroad- Yet I do nothing about that either…

And that’s it. I cant even pretend that the other are real dreams – get fitter, get stronger, get more work, raise an awesome child, these are not dreams. This is not a consuming vision.

Safety has dulled my power of imagination.  I dream not.. so I do less. I allow my routine to consume my time off

……………….

It’s the year to reinvent

Dreams come when there is more that we plug do, more that we plug ourselves into. Having multiple channels of expression allows the multiple layers of us to emerge. Its time to dare to dream about the cross country travel across Africa, time to make real the vision of speaking at a conference in China, time to start doing and not only think of it

Small things that I promise to do this year for me.

·         I will get out and do more –  join the fitness group, run those stupid 10kms,  do the headstand and teach yoga in a class

·         Writing workshop – Hone it do the writing class and write a screen play, work more on expressing myself

·         Work more – Allow learning on work to happen, within office and outside. Do the dear imagination, dare to do a stand up comedy show. Do do do – try and fail – be stupid, bbut do

Somehow- this is not the pulse of it. Have written the above but need the boost, the drive the motivation to move

Need to be answerable to get this done. For now – need to get things closed and moved.

Till then this seems to be true

You start dying slowly - By Pablo Neruda

You start dying slowly
if you do not travel,
if you do not read,
If you do not listen to the sounds of life,
If you do not appreciate yourself.

You start dying slowly
When you kill your self-esteem;
When you do not let others help you.

You start dying slowly
If you become a slave of your habits,
Walking everyday on the same paths…
If you do not change your routine,
If you do not wear different colours

Or you do not speak to those you don’t know.

You start dying slowly
If you avoid to feel passion
And their turbulent emotions;
Those which make your eyes glisten
And your heart beat fast.

You start dying slowly
If you do not change your life when you are not satisfied with your job, or with your love,
If you do not risk what is safe for the uncertain,
If you do not go after a dream,
If you do not allow yourself,
At least once in your lifetime,
To run away from sensible advice…

To living more