Resounding Slap

Its been 6 minutes, and the verdict is in. Its a NO.
Insead, the school yea the only school that i applied to has said no.

This was my exit plan, to leave the nation, be an international hippie, be rich
this was what the last 4 months were all about
this is what the next 40 years were to be about
this is what i am left with, a letter and a blank canvas to stare at.

now what, where, who, how?
to resume and restart, reapply and re work is outside my realm of doing

how then do i get where i want to be? to have the house with the turtles and the dog and the picket fences?
to work as an international consultant?
to leave and not be gravitationally pulled back sucked into it

the room, the house was a confinement that was bearable because next year i was in Europe
this uncertain life was bearable because it was the last few months of it
the house was semi unfurnished because i was leaving......
every single thing was centered around putting on my Spacemad shoes and leaving, flying off

they say following ur heart pays
they say being a nice person is all that matters
that living the moment is a good way to live

they never tell you how lonely it is
how tough to find acceptance, the explanations that you need
the perceptions that seem to be created around you, about you

they dont talk about the broke moments, of the countless times when u feel inadequate
of feeling that u stand at a perpetual cross road
weaving a web of faith and uncertainity
of doubt that lingers like a shadow
of frustration that seeps into ur bones
jealously that u cant seem to keep away

i dont know what next, what now
all i know is that i had a palace built
that i dont want to dismantle
the next route needs to be found

Fuck u universe.. Really fuck u!$#^$&%
Give me a break will u.. like really
the joke is freaking overdone
FUCK OFF

fresh blondie moment of the day

Quick one!

Did a workshop in March. First half of March, and had to send them an invoice.
Took us 3 weeks to agree to a contract
1 week to agree to an inovice
3 days for Blondie to remember to get a print out
3 days for her to coordinate between an envelope, a courier guy, the right time to send it and the address
1 day to send an email confirmation

and no time to be satisfied that the administrative hassle of one more paper invoice was over.

ONLY.........

For the client to tell me that the invoice has not been signed!!

LORD - I need to a secretary to manage my life. non existent life

helicoptering again

Male Monica had devised a term for my ability to spin an intricate web of confusion and chaos in my mind, based on a 100000 permutations and combinations of "but what", "if then" "if not" " i want:" " should live like this" ...."what if" and the "disillusionment with the present"

When these moments would strike, it would be accompanied with a strong dose of apathy. Apathy towards the present as it was, and failure to accept that this present was my life too. So caught up would one be in imagination a better future and living there, that the immediate present would be sent packing to the oldest trunk in the storage room. 

Would see the wisdom in "embracing the present" and letting go of the future, but have a tough time in maintaining a balance between a visualise what you want, live in harmony with it and then let the present be. If i began visualizing the future the present was almost always seen scrambling to catch up. 

Shall stop going round the mulberry tree of my life and face facts today of reality as is. Accept that as is and from there proceed to where one wants to be. 

Taking stock it is called. 

Work-wise.---- Need to get my act together, there is lots of promise in the air of this and that. but in the every day not enough to do. I need to get 

• more work hence more money
• use the law degree
• get an office space
• close open loops

Dead line - End of April. By then have initiated 5 new conversations. Got 1 retainer and 1 legal source of income. Net Bankable income to increase from current by at least 50% more. 

Fitness:  Hmm this is looking up and the body seems to be reacting well to the demands being made of it.

Spiritual -- ZERO ... Pathetic but there is no yoga, no meditation no blanket of the mind being created and time is not an excuse, come Monday i am going to join the early morning classes and stop looking for reasons not to go for them. .. the Kriya the wonderful escasty of Sadhguru is to be felt again and letting the vibration sail me towards that which i want rather than pushing furiously against the tide. 

Its the inbetween stage of not being able to give up half of what i have-- and not being content without attaining the half that is missing!

MBA---Please dear lord, please let one big penny of luck fall into my lap. There have been enough rocks thrown in the path and enough picking up that has happened at a constant rate for 2 years. For once, even if it may be not the best fit, can you throw me an easter gift and get this one to come through. What i shall do with it is secondary but for me being me, can this one please please please please be a positive!

Think i deserve some slack.. would u agree? 

Today is dedicated to getting the pace of the uncertain career to gather momentum. Time to narrow focus. Take some decisions and get the Indian timelines to adhere to mine. 

Wish me luck. 

Addictive Maddness

Its not my fault. Rains make me behave in very strange ways. It unleashes something in me and then the rest is usually history.

Yesterday was one of those mad-glad days full of blondie moments ;-)

I visited a law firm. After 3 years of swearing that I shall stay away from them. Dressed all formally and having full faith in Bangalore traffic arrived at the interview destination about an hour early. Sat very stressed in the car, making SOS calls to anyone willing to listen to me at 9 am in the morning.

Blondie rule - When I am awake I assume everyone else is awake too, irrespective of the hour of the day, hence shall call you with a cheerful "hello" at 1 am without thinking twice...

Anyway, Blondie sat waiting for the Partner to arrive. For the uninitiated, a Partner is the KING of KINGDOM come in all firms. They are stoic, authoritative and can make or break your life. In short its your school principal revisited, the day you wore the wrong shoes to school.

Which meant ----- Blondie saw him and immediately engaged in a conversation about the wall paintings, the little horse on his table, the musical notes that his window had. The "Ssssshhneess" that law firms have as an environment makes me jabber even more. If i was the interviewer I would have slapped me a long time back ;-)

But he was a nice kind of a patient bloke and we are trying to get a working format that makes sense for us. It seems possible. You see the need of the hour is to be RICH! and for that am going to open new and diverse windows. The last option of becoming a ARM CANDY wife seems faaaaaaaaaaar away... Sigh ;-(

So Blondie moment one of the day. Meeting over, Partner escorts Blondie to car. For once Blondie manages to find car keys without fumbling for 15 frantic minutes in her Gigantic bag, marches towards the car, inserts key in the door and is upset that it seems to not fit.

The "I charge zillions of rupees/hour Partner"  is hovering, looking at his watch, while i fumble, thrust the key in deeper, crouching near the keyhole.... (y is this sounding erotic) and scratch head at my ever so often mis-behaving car...... that is when wisdom struck and I realized that I HAD BEEN OPENING THE WRONG CAR!!!!!

What a Fool! The sweet man enquirers if something is wrong, and Foot in mouth diseased me happily says..
- No no, nothing, just trying to open the wrong car.. take care, its fine.. happens all the time,  and GRINNED


Who does things like that!!!!

To make it worse got in the car, and promptly drove it over some huge rock and caused a mini 4 minute jam. Now u know why I looooove Tata cars!

Blondie moment achieved, i crunched into apples as i drove the cross country back and looking like the Bimbo, crossed the heaviest trafficked road of Blore, looking like modern eve,  with the bumble bee sun glasses, the salwar kameez and a juicy apple being orgasimically bitten into...

Returned home to a 3 hour afternoon siesta, bought home the luxuries of a freelance setup where the bed can be reached in moments rather than reading blogs like these to combat afternoon fatigue.. ;-) hey guys at least follow this blog if it gives u respite from the tedious monotony of life...

A gym session later, where sweat drenched T shrits revealed MANLY y nipples.. yuck! and little me groaned over crunches, i headed for a coffee in the rain the best combo ever to sort out my life.. Not much of that happened as bumping into acquaintance, smoking the sexiset black ciggie and chasing teeeeeeeeeeenyyyy tiiiiiiiiiiny frogs as they leaped in fear of monster blondie chasing them took care of any soul searching!!!

Winding down the day at 11 .. the wild rain god spirit surged in Blondie yet again, the wave was hard to resist and lo n behold i ended up driving across town for something that has me grinning like a rabid monkey.. not sure if monkeys grin but i am still grinning.. ;-) ;-)

Attribute it purely to speed, music and rain. Not one thing more!

Yo-Yo -YO-YOOOO

The pendulam swings, and then returns to the center.
Over and over again.

The center is what the Zens refer to as the place where everything emanates from.
Its peaceful, quiet and calming, fills one up with expanding sense of peace
but is not very helpful in getting me pointers on what next to do to get money.

Yesterday was a topsy turvy day.
April had been ...................

and it raining .. and i loooove it... and i cant stop laughing and i am super good with that...........

Star Power

He imagines

But more critically, once he has imagined he makes it happen.

The last week of March when i was visiting him the concept of this Art Show, was a hazy illusion that hovered over some late night conversations. It was one of those things that he should get a hang of and do..... etc etc. 

Cut to less than 2 weeks later

At an Art imagine event, AB has pulled it off once again.. 

He sold 3,00,000 worth of art stuff in less than 25 minutes

where people donated with an open heart

all this for the Teach for India place where he gives up and gives things

All this at 24! 

at 24 we were crbbing about the non availability of drinks at all hours of the day

to him!

standing ovation!!!!!!

snippets

The weekend was an one with lots of flavours, much like a baskin and robbins display case with lots of spice and all things nice.

but here are the things that stick out for me.

The Japanese Wife


Aparna Sen is one of the most gifted directors to grace Indian cinema. No matter what the subject matter or the backdrop she manages to get a camera to sneak into the daily lives in such an unobtrusive manner that you never feel that there is a charade being played.

The silence is used to convey more than words, and her movies get the backdrops, the movement of a boat on the river a shrug of the shoulders to state the depth of the moment more than any dialogue writer can state with words.

Rahul Bose and surprise package yesteryear Mosami, astound one with utter conviction that they have been living the sunderban life for years, the pace of the river the anguish of the accent all come to life with the articulation of the Bengali twang as the school master tries hard to get his hand around the peculiar situation that he finds himself in.....

Its def yet one more sticky movie from her cadre, much like the other movies she has been associated with.

______________________________________________________________

The movie end and the commencement of the night, got movement to happen in my life, that i am still not sure what to do with. Its huge, its enormous in the history and impact it creates, its here and the ostrich me is not doing anything more than dunking my head and ignoring the fact that it is here...

more on that later, if at all.. for the now it is in the let it be to sort itself out..
________________________________________________________________

Hurt Locker


Its won the Oscar, so there is not need of any sale pitch on the movie, the tale or the rest of it.

Ironically, it is the fact that there is nothing about Hurt Locker that is fiction, nothing that is removed from unreality, nothing that is not happening/has happened that makes it chilling yet gripping. Leaving the movie hall as one moves towards the air conditioned car, one is left with the feeling that we just like one of the cereal boxes that line the American super market

isolated bubbles.

MJ  (not the rockstar, but my personal rock star) once commented, the men who face death on an everyday basis are the men who live life on a daily basis. This was inspired by Shantaram.... and his mafia death friendly life.

Hurt locker, the man faces a gory death face to face daily. makes him value things in his life more dearly. but then again there is not much he is left with to value at all.

what do we value ? our relationships? careers? what?

The cycle of hate seems to have found a fertile breeding ground. It seems inevitable that the children of war torn Iraq and Afghanistan shall have deep seeded rage and anger against America or the white man. Excellent then, the Bin Laden camps may not have to work too hard to bring back to life the memories of people burning, or exploding. Ripe the world seems to be to swirl in its own mess...

Solutions ............. ask the miss worlds. they seem to believe in world peace still.

Taliban Bikinis

The Taliban have a whole new customer base. Post the Afhgan war and the entire depleting economic situation, they had to do the inevitable and recreate their destinies. 

Learning a lesson or two from the thrifty "once upon a time we were refugees now we are millionaires" Indians, they decided to leave the comfort of the hills and get down to the passive land of sweet idli- dosa where there would have been little or no resistance to the Taliban coming in..

ok i am being a bit too mean but todays swim was an eye opener or more aptly eye shutter in many ways!

In short we went swimming. PAUSE. what are the images that came to ur mind? the beach? Baywatch, hot girls in one piece swimming costumes.. even if u are an indian reader, and unfortunately have been swimming in the Indian clubs and have been made to witness Indian Middle aged aunties with several layers of body fat oozing out of them


But today i need to salute them for being brave, brave enough to wear a single piece and still swim, brave enough not to be talibanised


Bangalore women have not been as brave! Shameful


So here are the ranges of swimming costumes that grace the pools of this city


1- The salwar kameez swim suit


   Its a latex contraption that looks like a tight kurti and tights, and is full sleeved. I thought that they had forgotten to take off their clothes before realizing that this is what they had hunted for and purchased with much thought and consideration.


2.   The cycling shorts/skirt kind


All can be shown to the world but the upper legs read as thighs have a strange allure and if men were to see them then they shall positively be compelled to rape the women, this is hence needing for everyone to make sure that the swimming costume is annexed with some form of leg protection otherwise their entire social life is at stake.


3.  Shoulders Sheen


this one is where u can do all that you want but you cant expose the shoulders at all!! that is not allowed to happen, so they are covered with shoulder patches and long sleeves, short sleeves and looks much like a saree blouse string to a costume!!!!!!


4.  Boxers and Noodle Strap


Our enterprising northeastern friends did not see the sense in investing in a costume in the first place and decided to slide in their nice boxer shorts and a spaghetti, the men were not complaining and we with our Speedo gear were wondering who had read the swimming manual wrong!!!


The men are the same across. They mostly stand at the rim of the pool and watch event these daintily clad swans  frolic in the chlorine pool. The only symptom of being alive is darting eyes and like crocs, seem to dive into the water at the exact moment any women is doing a lap to fake a direct bang and then they look content with a weekend well spent!!


MEN.... these are TALIBAN women,.. get a grip

zombied out

time is whirring silently
in a lazy sort of way
the day is making it shadow,
shorter as i lay
half awake, half not
half dreamy, half not
i grin a sleepy smile
sheepishly, ruefully, shamelessly, recalling
memories instantly made
some of this and a lot of that
....... maybe it shall all catch up
but that day is still to far away

i marvel as i watch
the clock going tick -tock, unmindful of little me
living her own surreal dream

dates and days seem to have melted
like the last tunes of a melody
into wisps of smoke
casted seconds before into a memory

each day is a flow
the present remains just that a "present", wonderfully aglow
tomorrow is sulking grudgingly
as she manages the promised future
contained in several balls
currently suspended in air
each dancing in their own lair

people off late seem to be waltz in,
unsuspecting and anew
to do a slow dance
as i watch;
chance prance across my little room
observing myself, from a distance
amused at this woman i barely knew

the rebel is gone
gawkiness bid adieu
leaving behind a subtle charm
to reveal me,
a tigress, a sheep, i am my own mary bo beep
she lives this moment
unperturbed
there is no haste to build a tomorrow
only a lingering fragrance of today

this feeling is fleeting
am sure anxieties are on their way
but for now i cant be bothered
you see, i think i am living for today

Running ....................

His legs moved in a steady rhythm pulsating with each step. He stepped up the speed and oblivious to his surroundings remained focused.

His legs were flying, a steady blur interrupted with the motion of the shoe hitting the rubber.

His head held high, he looked neither left nor right dead straight

As his arms kept the beat and moved like pistons

Orange running shorts, accentuated his muscular legs. The dripdry T shirt proved unable to cope with the heat he was generated.

11 kms and counting, 12kms and counting, 13kms and counting… he mercilessly pushed himself harder and faster. The speed increased dizzying proportions……. While he remained the only thing moving, the only one defying gravity, fatigue, defying motion itself..

The speedometer moved towards the 20 km mark. He had done it, the only sign of victory over his mind was the slightest pump of the fist as he slowed himself down.

Orange streaks reformed themselves as shorts, the legs became organs. The entire gym floor heaved a sign of relief as he slowed himself, slowed down the assault he made on everyone else’s inadequacy to run and be one.

Silently he departed, leaving a trace of aldernine hanging in the air.

For a good 10 minutes the tread mill remained empty a mute testimony to the achievement that was

Person 2 on the treadmill next, staggered as he ran and limply dismissed himself in 15 minutes.

The rules had been changed. And the players did not want to play the new game.

Between mind, body and action the person with the fittest body is also one with an agile mind. A tenacity, a blankness of the mind and a relentless aggression to go on and on and on without stopping without breaking without pausing...not once…

Running – meditation in motion. An ability to empty your soul till all you are left with is the heavy breath, the awareness of movement and the rhythm of your mind. Murakami wrote in what I talk about when I think about running..

‘If you don’t keep repeating a mantra of some sort to yourself, you will never survive”

In long distance running the only person you have to beat is yourself …

And I have been very callous in letting the mind excuses rule over the steady pace of a victorious run..

To a marathon. This year.

Ready mind?

AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH.

Enough I have had more than freaking enough!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

For today I have been pushed enough to want to give all this freaking freedom up and become the most powerful rat in the rat place. I want it all..from the most basic things to the most luxurious things.

To start with this is my wish list. The irony is that in most places this should be a given and wishes should be things like a 500 hour spa not the ones that are going to show face here.

I want….

-           power back up and with this beautiful thing, ‘internet’, a fan and maybe an airconditioned place to work

-           laptop backup for 600 hours and a mobile battery that never dies

-           a secretary who never leaves and handles everything from my cheque books (that have already been misplaced) arranging for cars and paying bills and handling everything from tickets to print outs

-           MONEY tons of it to throw around and be able to get an invertor, buy a hill house so that I can escape the heat       

-           the ability to block the SUN!! stop the freaking heat now………

India or more appropriately Bangalore and me are on a war path today. Wake up to NO POWER sleep with NO POWER.

he STUPID Chief minister, grins from the news paper in an advertisement and tells me happily that OOOPSIE MOMENT is here.. please sulpa (means “little” in native speech here) adjust marri (native for u loser, shove this up ur ass too) there is no change for ur laptop obsessed urban geeks because we sent all ur power to the farmers.

Everyone speaks this silly language and no one seems inclined to make a move and take some action. The landlord does not know power back up, the tattoos that he has are KINGS of mumble when facing an angry women and hope she goes away.

You get out to see some office spaces where u can hopefully get some power back up , there are 8 people lined up to show u three houses, none of which have the keys and all of whom have mobiles that they use to keep yelling at other unknown ugly faces and getting nowhere……….

Compound this with a hot sun. Men who refuse to look a women in the eye when conducting a commercial dealing, the noisy drone of generators and the passive attitude of the middle men. The one category of people that effortlessly manage to get my goat every single time, are the deadpan logic deprived security guards, agents, brokers, bank tellers, who seem to know one and only one language…..

No madam cant do madam

Yes yes seri serri, one moment madam, you sit madam. ……… only to hear 23 excruciating minutes later… sorry madam… Gotila madam….. tomm u come, yes yes promise madam…. Think ur nostrils are going to burst madam… etc etc etc

Feel like taking their necks and twisting it; so bad that it contorts into shapes made by the balloon guys who sell inflated giraffes and monkeys….

For a city that is supposed to be the software and IT hotbed, the government is struggling to get power, water and roadways right. Call me an escapist but it is the desire not to structure my life around the time the water shall be supplied, or the electricity scheduled cut to send mails, to dealing with elastic time and taking 24353456695700 years to make a freaking decision that is not life threatening….

Get on with it will you. Say yes say no, make a decision and move with it. ARRGGHH@#%#@%

AND IF U MAKE A DECISION THEN STICK TO IT!!! THE DATES FOR THIS ONE EVENT HAVE CHANGED TRIPILE ZILLION TIMES!!!! 

Anyway, that’s it I want the trappings of money and luxury. Want power suits and music changing switches on the steering wheel. Want a place where I can take things for granted. Things like printers, power, coffee maybe or chilled water. Am done setting up offices and negotiating with vendors for supplying UPS systems.

Want to breeze into work and feel AIR CONDITIONING. AND FOR THOSE WHO BELIEVE BLORE WEATHER DOES NOT NEED ONE..  COME AND LIVE HERE!! Go and get a coffee from the jar, have some colleagues get internet at laser speeds, take 3456 print outs of Dilbert for no reason, play with the plant in the corner and have power meetings on the leather couch in the room that has a sink in feel, not to mention the table lamp that is elegant, the slide out bar, the TV cum GPS system, the fancy ink pen embossed with some funky saying and the personal foot massager below the desk.

YES of course I shall hate all that within 3 weeks of getting it and feel like a boxed panther in a circus ring. But I want AIR CON and a buzzer for the secy and lunch meetings at the Golf resort and Blackberry things and International business class tickets sitting on my desk when I return from the power yoga class taken with the CEO of SantaRicher.com who has agreed to sponsor our flagship school ;-)

Like I said today is just not the day to be a freelancer……

In all this there is one glimmer of gratitude, that keeps me rooted in this city. No it is not the weather, the traitor has fallen in love with the Delhi summer. It is the work that we are getting to do. That is incredible. Slow moving but interesting. Did I say slow moving? Make that inert. Like stoned crocodiles.

Tonight as my face hits the bed – I shall thank 2 people. The person who made ac’s and the one who made electricity… in homage I bow to ur greatness. Ok maybe the inverter fellow also..  no one else! 

before its too late

The ripples of Mr. vivacious death are expanding ever so gently. 

I did not know Mr. Vivacious very well. Met him 2-3 times, but in Bangalore, he was someone who almost everyone had known, met, spoken to had a memory associated with. You know there are some people who just have a knack for being ALIVE, mad alive, uninhibitedly alive and he was one of them....

remember at a costume party years back, where he turned up in Swimming shorts, with underwater glasses in hideous green and flippers from diving and strutted around displaying the increasing and decreasing erection with aplomb! in your face ALIVE! this is what i remember of him.

and now he is gone. 

and gone how? sitting by a creek enjoying the water flow and then just slipping, thats it. Nothing life altering was being tried, one of those inexplainable moments that come and change everything. 

Was talking to someone about how sudden deaths are so much harder to accept. You feel cheated, because there was so much that you needed to state, to share, to tell, to treasure, how you never got the chance to tell them how much and how deeply you truly loved them. How you were busy, answering the call, getting the presentation ready and managing to keep the blackberry up and running and assumed that the other person, absorbed that it was somehow all connected to how much you loved them. 

Mr. vivacious was not even in India when he died. Was sitting in another country..........

his best friend took it upon himself to fly him and get him back. 

must have been the longest flight to ever be on

and can only imagine the memories that would have marched by him, assaulting him with treasured moments .. precious fleeting moments of being alive. Memories that you were not even aware you were creating when you were making them....

Did I take enough chances? Live a lived life?.......hmm there is more to do lots and lots more, but I have loved … fully loved, and lost and loved foolishly again… have been fired, hired, laid off and resigned, have changed myself, and retained relationships… sluggish maybe, but there has been some living done….

Cant get over the sitting by the creek and falling in --------- to die bit

its too simple to be true

it scary because it could be me or worse, you

Of all people, Ronan Keating pops into my mind with the line

" if tommorrow never comes, will she know how much i loved her?"

No I am not dying, not that I know of atleast. Nor am I suicidal. But it seems completely unnecessary for me to wait for either of the two events to occur before reaching out to tell the people that matter to me that they matter to me.

Its is important for them to know how often, I just sit and they pop in my head, making me smile with some antic some story

How often, I fill my diary thanking them for being there, for the fact that we chatted yesterday

For the friendship they offer, the slaps they give

For being who each of them are.

If you have got this mail and wanted to KILL me for being  A SAPPIER VERSION of even BOYZONE! If that is possible

Then you matter to me

Kill me now…

But remember Jesus loves u!

the 24 yr old saint

This is precious.
Came in the mail, a poem written by a wicked poet

pour everything i experience in a well
and let me drink from the source
take me afterwards to the place
where it all started between us

transform this timeless world
into one in which you appear again

because my quest for the nowhere, the nothing and the no one
suddenly was answered by a somewhere, a something and a someone


Am not stenciling the last chapter of this relationship just yet..........

not nice

Had an encounter with the past yesterday.

From nowhere my very own phone flusher called to enquire (*wen does one use inquire and when enquire? Do you know) if I had his passport. Huh? What the fuck? Why would I have his passport, when I have not seen the man in ages. I mumbled something and hung up fast. The only reason that I took the call in the first place was because, having deleted all his numbers, it flashed as an unknown number.

To make any sense about my reaction and the disgust at receiving this call, need to borrow snatches of memories from last year.

Had lost my marbles, plain and simple and hence permitted this guy to become a part of my life for a short while. His actions and inactions, were however bewildering to state the least and he remains the only person at some level to have invoked fear in me. Why? Because he became border line violent, barged into the house, flushed my cellular device and rather than apologize informed me how more would soon follow.

Its been a while and I had assumed that it was one of those horrific things that happen in life, that you block from your memory bank and dump forever in the recycle bin. Turns out however, that there is still a bit of residue simmering somewhere in my intestines.

Ugly memories came rushing back for me yesterday morning when I got a call from female 2, someone he had been dating last year.

Female 2 went through the well defined stages of love from – moonstruck love--- to he is ‘fine’ the world just does not understand him---- to my friends do not know him like I do---- to wait a minute, maybe everyone has a point ---- to oh my god I cant believe he did that ----- to this is insane and absurd, what was I thinking and ---- slowly, grudgingly and painfully decide to cut loose and escape.

Interestingly in this entire cycle the deeper question remains— HOW DID I END UP DOING THIS TO ME?

It takes me ages to label someone as being a non trust worthy person, the belief that everyone is good is so ingrained that sometimes even a molester is given a second chance. But this man has proven himself to be psychotic

Incidents determining the above wrt to female 2

• ·         Dated her for months and serial dated several other women alongside
• ·         Got into a legal and sexual harassment case, almost lost his job, had gangsters after his life and became a fugitive within his own city
• ·         Bombarded into her friends house at 2 am and threw her phone down 5 floors.
• ·         When she stopped interacting with him he circulated her house 45 (no exaggeration) times, tipped the local guard to tell him when she returned home, hoodwinked strange people on the road to ring her doorbell, and created cock and bull reasons to attempt entry
• ·         Was violent towards her, including verbal and physical abuse
• ·         Called her office land line, spoke to her colleagues asking for her
• ·         Made her pay for his rent, his telephone bill, his car servicing charges, all entertainment expenses and what not
• ·         To top it all, he abuses and bitches about everyone, including yours truly, and yet moments later can pretend to be their best friend

All this along with leading a filthy lifestyle where orange juice is stored in the bathroom sink! and served from there to guests and gulped down while shaving…...yuck!@%$#

All-right, think the point has been made that there was/is something abnormal about the person in question. The rant may cease and I shall desist from getting into more mudslinging.

Would ordinarily have not gotten involved in this kind of petty writing, but last night I woke up screaming, shivering and jerking. Had been dreaming and in the nightmare felt vulnerable in my own house. Felt fear and goose bumps, felt like the actress in a horror movie and so real was the emotion that I yelled or there remained a vivid scream that emitted from my throat.

It was not funny, I ended up calling Male Monica at 1.30 am, quacking with fear just so my subconscious voice heard something reassuring. Made him tell me that I was safe, made him whisper that there was no one who was lurking outside my room and only then did I release my grip on the phone and fall asleep.

Something somewhere is a reason for our paths crossing. There is a lesson I guess in this, a learning about getting the instinct guide your perception of people, of letting them earn the merit of being a part of your life before osmosing them into mine.

Have to learn to shutup and not permit photosynthesis sharing with strangers, merely because the vibe is good.

Glad it is morning!

Sania- a little girl after all

She is making headlines yet again, and once more the term tennis/winning/tournament is not the reason behind it. This time its her marriage, earlier it was the national flag, Shahid Kapoor, injuries and a persistent ability to attract speed breakers in the course of life each of which is treated like National Entertainment.

There is no way of determining at this stage if the Groom is a virgin at this marriage thing or a tried and tested machine. But this writing is not about him at all.

My world and the tennis stars were on a similar orbit, ablit for a short while, and managed some of the legal hassles connected with her media frenzies. Even then 2 years ago, my heart went out to her. At 21 or something that she was, her every move was labelled, critiqued and ridiculed by the media

Support was mostly non available, but speculation on her downfall pre meditated. Within her core circle of friends and family as well, it was clear that she did not have the luxury of being a TEENAGER or pandering to the whims of being a girl in love, and doing some of the silly things that we all do.. sneaking out, getting drunk, maybe dancing the night away were not for her to enjoy unless they were done in a sterile environment and she got up at 5 am to practice. .............To top it all her actions were to represent the actions of MUSLIM women across India. Now that is a heavy mantle to carry! ;-(

Getting married by itself is an act to give someone goose bumps.

Irrespective of the guilt/innocence of the boy, at the end of the day she is just a women wanting to marry the man she wants to be with. As Julia Roberts said in that infamous scene in Notting Hill " I am just a girl, standing in front of a boy"

May she find her prince charming and be happy. Gleefully fairytale kind of happy .

imagine that

Hmm there are the good surprises and the not so good surprises. Had a mixture of both taking place today.

Good surprises were:

• my company may get to make a presentation at a world bank summit super soon!! and that means that africa may be closer than i think it is
• got an article on the Manza literally sitting on the table, where it was rated higher than the linea, the desire, and the verna
• the relationship with some of the freelancers got a notch better and am happy for the same
• managed to get a lot of paper work done, make pending payments, and not be pissed at the world
• Ran!! without my knee going ooohh eeeewww aaaaah and such obnoxious noises

Really bad news came in as well

• opened the paper to see that probably one of the maddest, wildest most vivacious man that i interacted with once in a while in Bangalore, died while rock climbing in Thailand. it made no sense, his death or the sudden ness of it. For each of us who at 30 are so very cocky that we are here for a long long long time and end up procrastinating so many of our life choices it comes as a rude reminder that life is fragile. Know i sound disgustingly like the next door Blonde Barbie Doll, but it is true, life is fragile and despite that somehow does not come with a "handle with care" sticker
•  Was sans electricity for the ENTIRE day. That was so annoying and painful that every resident voice got shriller as the sun rose higher. It was only later in the night, that we got to know that a labourer got electrocuted while digging the trenches for wire repair. 

One life shall be celebrated, a funeral touching for the number of memories associated with it shared and grief that is palpable be felt. The other shall be a funeral too, smaller, shorter, maybe as much grieved but have a presumption (can be misplaced as hell) that the overall feeling shall be one of mute acceptance and moving on. shrinks, medicines and grief counsellors shall not be the route the second mans family gets. 

hmmm what a way to end the day. 

ashamed to state that all i did think of was.. uff but when does the power come back. 

Cynicism you have a new name 

tata -ite!

Tata Manza

I think I am the only person in the world who actually vouches for Tata cars. Facing ridicule for driving a taxi, the bad engineering or sniggers from friends as they sit behind the wheel and commence driving my truck each of them are dutifully ignored by me as they are made to notice the immense head space, the powerful engine and the manner in which it pushes off almost all other small cars off the road.

As a tataite – I am the only one rooting for the Tata Manza to be added to the family for its next addition.

Friends have been groaning at my choice, the brother rolling his eyes and in general the south Indian nod has been following me.  Without fail each friend or acquaintance when asked to pick a favorite car, stuck to the Maruti’s, Hyundai, and the Fords. 

The dear Tata remained Cinderella that no one wanted to dance with.

Armed with this information, I test drove everything.

Started with the Hyundai  1-20 –

Decent interiors, limited power, and lots of jazz, heavier and more sluggish than the 1-10

Hyundai i-10

Hate where the gear is, though it is a zippy drive

The Ritz and Beat are ugly, the Figo did not come under my scanner and the Estillo looks like a child grew the dinky size to a whole new proportion. So that is that and then we came to the Tata cars

Punto

Zippy and how, Cozy and powerful it vroomed on the road like a cat purring after a good scratching session. The wipers and indicators were set the wrong way, but it felt smooth. Hmm only drawback it is a fiat! Who drives those things?

Vista

Yuck is what I yelled out at that one and wanted to step out immediately

Manza

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm… I loved it!!!

The power, the price, the steering, the space, the gears, the indicators worked, the everything made me feel rich and powerful. Like a man on the roads!! And then to add to it was the looks that were not crafted like a truck.

Almost everyone sniggers about the Tata cars. I feel protective about them like one would for an underdog. This emotional thinking for a car is the stupidest idea ever, but hey it seems to let me atleast consider a manufacturer that everyone else ignores.

So on my recent trip, I catapulted from the car the moment i saw a Manza on  the roads, charged towards the back and took a snap of the car, rapped my knuckles on the window of the not so amused Tamil driver, and gushed animatedly about how he was driving a MANZA!! a fact that he was yea.. well aware off. 

Such was my excitement, that i remained rooted to the spot with gibberish English foaming at my mouth at the Tamilian, and ultimately Excel Macroman had to come to the spot, stand a few inches behind me and indicate to the driver that i was insane. Retarded really, before gently leading me back to the oh so not a Manza zen!!

Sigh- Dad wants to buy an i-10. pity pity pity

hippie or newbie

If you set foot on two boats chances are that you shall not move too much from the shore. At some point of time you shall have to choose, which boat is the one you shall set sail on.

For me I am confused about which ship to set sail on. One seems immediately alluring the other the grown up choice of moving on it life. Where are all these ambiguous statements stemming from? From 2 intense yet diverse experiences that came back to back and have left me soaked in bewilderment. Of these which one is more a reflection of me and which one is just a passing whimsical fancy

Experience 1

The cohabitation with Belgian boy has somewhere become larger than the individual and the moments shared. In a sense it represents a definitive lifestyle one where u TRULY live the present and ensure that as much life is squeezed out of it today without waiting for a more secure tomorrow.

To borrow from the ant and the grasshopper these are the happy grasshoppers that are gathering life experiences that are varied, vivid, real and have a horribly long sticky value.  These experiences are acquired through travelling, the kind of travelling where one really meets people and plugs into the community, leaving you exposed to trying out whatsoever may come your way.

Hmm this implies that everyday has a sense of new and wonder. They become the people with the most chilling stories shared over a bonfire or a dinner table, not always the most intense ones but def the most intriguging ones. The sheer depository of experiences that they can dip into to engage in a conversation is HUGE!.

So during a week with BB (Belgian boy) we spoke about everything from Mac Donalds, to dreams and aspirations, to death and what it means, the influence of languages, how people react to whites in India some extremely nonsencial conversation about hippos and winning the world peace prize.

Point being- there was a constant dribble of REAL conversation that did not have to borrow from the clichéd of favorite actors, work politics or the routines of life. I concede that any meeting with a stranger has immense fodder for conversation, the newness drives it.

But more than that at a subtle layer is what my friend calls the difference between a “Social Science” person and a “Science” person, where the former looks and is challenged by things like art, culture, shall want to learn the sitar while in a new place and explore the mindsets of children in the rural set while the “Science” gang is more concerned with the POINT of all this and if that cannot be answered are keen to brush these pursuits in the bucket called hobbies and live a real more meaningful life.

I ramble, think because these are still thoughts that are forming in my head. All I know is that in my experience there is a something called a “Explorer mindset” where one is an experience/conversation/newness junkie and this is motivation to get them to do anything, from planting seeds in a farm to milking a cow for no reason except that it has not been done before.

Experience 2

The night BB left, the long weekend arrived and we trooped off to the coolness of Coonoor, Ooty and Kothgiri, little places that have been charmed into producing tea for the colonial Saahibs. 

Male monica, excel marcoman and me sat in the car and trooped off.

Now Male Monica and Excel Macroman are the “science” types in several ways. Excel macroman the extreme version of it, to the extent that he had a statistical average computed regarding the average number of times that he shaved in a month and could not see car number plated without multiplying all the digits.

Male Monica, is definitely a few shades better, he is interested in opinions and has a point of view, well read and a robust interest in performing arts means that he is a storehouse of knowledge on several aspects.

The one thing that they however lack is the zeal to experience anything new, unless there is a real hardcore rational and compelling need for them to do so. They are willing to be cajoled into doing several things and more than comfortable being lead into situations rather than being initiating wild things themselves.

Result- I ruled during the trip. Became the cool bee; whatever I wanted we did. Lets boat sure lets boat. Lets shop? Eat dinner here? Not go to the room just yet etc etc I initiated and was surprised to see instant acceptance.

The one time that these two men had to enter into a conversation they started to speak about work, culture, what each of them did. The moment I woke up though, nonsense banter stirred from her sleep as well and a lasy time was spent chattering about B grade movies.

As excel macro dropped me home, we discussed the differences between us. The “lets do” vs the “let us let them do” gang. He was pissed that the “lets do” gang assumed that the “lets not do” gang did not want to take part in stuff we planned. He said that they enjoy it and infact like to be called for those events. However, they are not great at planning these and so are better at executing. Why he wondered did we not get that and just live with optimum utilization of capabilities?

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm

Maybe it is a valid grouse. But all I know is that for me I connect more with the “lets explore” mentality. The lifestyle and life purpose is easier and takes much less energy to convince someone who wants to do these activities than cajoling a reluctant person to enjoy the silliness of sitting on the top of a car.

Either you like sitting on the top of a moving car and sit.

OR

You sit in the other car and wonder what tomfoolery are the jokers upto on the top of the car.

Both exist, both are valid. Which one am i?